Non Fertility Related...

So alot has happened since my last post! The most important being that I rededicated my life to my Lord and Savior and will be getting baptized again!!! I can not describe the joy and peace I feel! My life has changed so much and I'm so thankful for my growing relationship with my Savior! I know some of you may think Baptized again? So let me explain... The first time I was baptized I was 4 yrs old ( and this is not to say that a child can not really have a life changing acceptance of salvation at that age.) Being so young I was more intrigued with getting in that big bath tub rather than what it is really all about. Growing up in church I had this sense of how I was suppose to act and what I was suppose to say but until now did not realize that I did not really have that change within. Now that I have truly accepted salvation I can not explain the change. I see things different, hear things different, just all around feel different! It is miraculous and wonderful! The Lord is working in my life all around me! But satan is also attacking me the most! Trying to break me down, wanting me to doubt my self and my Lord! The path of the lost is wide, inviting, fun, and easily traveled. The life of a child of God is narrow, at times hard, and sometimes your just not considered the "cool" kid on the block! Lol! But the reward of eternal life with our Father out weighs any "fun" you could ever have on this earth. And to be honest with you all this business of saying being a christian means you cant have any fun any more... I don't get it because I'm having a blast! I love my church family and have the most fun with them fellow shipping and worshiping. I rock out with the best of them to christian music and laugh and talk and have fun with all of my friends. So don't think you have to give up all the fun by being a christian.. you just have a different kind of fun. :)

Our church class is growing and we are planning lots of fun things! Get with me if you would like to come! You will truly be blessed! We are having a meet and greet bon fire Oct 6th at 6pm. The goal is to let us all meet in a laid back setting. I know first hand it can be intimidating walking in a class where you do not know anyone, so this will give us all a chance to get to know each other before hand. We will have a hayride for the kids so bring them too!! :) Let me know if you would like to come we would love to have you! :)

John 6:37
“All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.” (ESV)
John 1:12
“But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name.” (NASB)
Romans 15:7 “Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.” (NASB)
Genesis 4:7
“If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” (NIV)


We may also be having a new christian artist coming to put on a concert for us soon ;) here is a sneak peek

check him out show him some love and if you want get his stuff off itunes!!
http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fitunes.apple.com%2Fus%2Fartist%2Fkyle-thurman%2Fid436770585%3Fign-mpt%3Duo%253D4&h=IAQEwA7OR

God is good..

All the time!!!!!!!!

God has done amazing work in our lives in the past few weeks! We are still at a stand still on making it to our appointment for our HSG. We had thrown around ideas of doing a fund raiser and things like that but after much prayer and a few long talks decided that was not the route we were going to pursue. So our goal of making an appointment was pushed back.

A few days ago I called my nurse with some question I wanted her to refresh me on and we came back to the subject of the HSG. I know that this is something we need to have done and the number one reason we have not made the appointment is the cost and the number two reason (that Im not proud of) is pure fear. So she went over the cost with me again. I asked her if we could make payments and to my disappointment we can not! We have to pay the doctors fee upfront and half the hospital cost at the time of the appointment and pay the other half within the next six months of the appointment. After I hung up I fought off the urge to cry almost  successfully. I then went to the Lord in prayer knowing that ONLY HE can lead me. Literally within hours I started receiving orders through my page on facebook. I was a little shocked at how fast God answered my call. I had not received any orders since July and all of a sudden the orders were rolling in!!! By the second day I made enough money to cover our doctor fee in full! If the orders continue to come in it looks like we may be able to make this appointment next month!!! I can not explain how amazing God is when you open your heart and have complete faith in Him. I truly feel that this is confirmation from the Lord that the HSG is what we need to have done. Although I am fearful of the procedure I know that God will be right there with me.

That's not all though! I have also been praying for our small Sunday school class to grow and for the Lord to lead other young adults to Him through us. And once again the Lord answered my call. Last Sunday we did not even have enough chairs hardly for our class. It is amazing! Im just so excited to feel Gods presence in my life. Its indescribable. I cant wait to see all the wonderful works the Lord has in store for our class!

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

4:16 Be conscientious about how you live and what you teach. ²¹ Persevere in this, because by doing so you will save both yourself and those who listen to you. !1Timothy 4:16

Just another rollar coaster ride of infertility..

Whoever said what you dont know dont hurt you has never been through infertility! So if you follow this blog you know that we have been on a "break" for the summer. When AF arrived in June it was no surprise. And although we were on a "break" it did not mean that we stopped trying so then July came around and I started getting dizzy spells and nausea we started to get excited... really excited! I would get so nauseous I would run to the bathroom giggling at the idea that I just may be having morning sickness! But we still had our guard up not letting ourselves get our hopes too high BUT when AF did not arrive as usual we were in a little bit of shock! I had this feeling of "nah it cant be" then when day 2 passed then day 3 the excitement was bubbling over! Not only did we let our protective walls down but we smashed them down with pleasure and let ourselves be overcome with excitement! Telling ourselves that it has really happened. So on night 3 I took a pregnancy test that came back negative, but we pushed that aside... I mean Im pushing 4 days late and having every early pregnancy symptom there is. So that night we planned for me to get up and make an appointment first thing in the morning. The husband left out early for work before I was up and we were both happier then we have been in a very long time. But when I woke up this happy day we had planned turned to devastation in an instant! I had the worst pains Ive had in my life (as far as AF goes) I had cramps, back cramps, vomiting, (TMI Alert) and heavy bleeding!! I called the hubby who was half way to Texas and I could barely get the words out! I was torn apart that day! I had just thought that I had cried tears over infertility these past two years!! Nothing compared the hurt I felt that day! I called the doctor and explained all the details and this was her answer Option 1- I am having a whacked out abnormal period. But that it is just that- a late abnormal period. Or Option 2- I had what is called a chemical pregnancy (which is where you become pregnant but the blastocyst aka baby does not attach correctly to the uterine wall) 50% of women experience these types of miscarriages and never know it because it occurs so early that it appears to be a period. She then told me there would be no reason to come in unless I started to run fever and continued to throw up. But that there is no way for them to tell if I was in fact pregnant or not. This leaves me at a total loss....

I am feeling much better and all the symptoms of day one of AF have left the building. It drives me crazy that I will never know. The hurt me and the hubby felt over this shook our world. This is the absolute closest we have ever felt to becoming pregnant. And it is the worst hurt I have felt through this entire two years.

I had a full day of crying, screaming, and throwing a fit! It shook me to the core! Satan hit me where it hurt and did his best to shake my faith! But he did not succeed! At the end of the day I am my Fathers child and I still cling to, He has plans for me that I can not even imagine. I know that He will bless us and knows the desires of our hearts. When Satan sees our weak spots he goes straight for them doing his best to try and make us blame God. I know that God does not take pleasure is seeing us hurt and that if we seek Him and put Him first in our lives he will pull us through the struggles we face in this life. Struggles that are all roots of our own sins. We are undeserving, and really do not deserve anything on this earth. But the Lord loves us. He loved us enough to hang on a cross and be tortured, taking on all of our sins! And I think about how bad I hurt that day. How bad I cried until i felt like my stomach had flipped upside down. How sore my eyes were and how much they burned from crying. And all that does not compare to even one ounce of the pain the Lord went through for me, for you, for all of us. Being beaten and spit on with nails drivin through His hands and feet. The agonizing pain while all those He was dying for stood there and yelled crucify Him. But He still loved us enough to stay on that cross and take our sins. He took the sins of the very ones that spit in His face and beat Him. And who are we? If someone says something ugly to us we are unforgiving....

So all in all we had a bad fertility month.. really bad! But in the end no bad month we have can compare to that day that the Lord gave His life for us. So I will rejoice and find good in this month and give God the glory! I thank Him for those 3 full days of pure joy that we had thinking we were pregnant. From the start I have wondered how we would feel and how we would act when we actually do get pregnant and we got to feel that for 3 full days! So thank you Jesus for those happy moments!

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Its been awhile...

So I have not posted in a long time because I can not access blogger from my computer for some reason...

Anyway not much has changed since my last post... We are still on a break and plan to pick up our treatments in August. That will give us the summer to relax and save the money for our next appointment.

On mothers day last month I planned to post but was not able to due to the fact that I cant get on, on my computer!!! But mothers day went well... there were no melt downs of jealousy. I did have a moment in church, when they were preaching on the duties of a Godly mother, that I teared up a little. But I really took the day to appreciate what a wonderful mother I have. Without her I would not have the wisdom of our Lord and Savior instilled in me and I love her for that. Not only did she give me the gift of life at birth but she gave me the gift of eternal life with my Father by teaching me His word. (of course ultimately the gift of eternal life come directly from our Father but my mother always made sure we were in church and learned the word. Then it was up to us to accept it and seek His guidance.)  It is the most important job of any mother to instill Gods love and salvation in that childs life.
My grandmother was handing out gifts on mothers day and placed a plant in front of me along with a card. I looked at her and said "I don't deserve this" and all she said was "read the card". It read "No worries, No hurries, Happy Mothers Day (soon). Soon being written in her hand writing. It was so touching and sweet. It only reminds me that along with faith in my Savior and a supportive family we will achieve parenthood. And not a day later or sooner than the good Lord plans.

Even though we are on a break, infertility is never far from my mind. It is still something I struggle with DAILY! I pray for strength  but that does not mean the sorrow of infertility does not win at times. Although we are "not trying" I still can not pass up the urge to take a pregnancy test. I think letting people know that we are not trying right now has added to the stress a little. Now everyones response as soon as they find out we are on a break or not trying for the summer is "oh well that's when it happens" or "your gonna get pregnant now that your not trying" and I cant lie my heart jumps a little when I hear someone say that. Like that fact that someone says it, that it is set in stone and they have to be right!! I get so hopeful and BAM big negative test result. Instant disappointment. But we will stay strong and hopeful and cast all of our cares upon the Lord. One day we will get that positive or approved adoption we are yearning for. ONE DAY!

So there may be a continued lack of blogging the remainder of the summer. I will update if there are any changes. Please continue to have us in your prayers. The Lord hears every one of them and knows the desires of our hearts. Prayers are the best gifts we can receive!

Its been awhile...

So I don't even know what my last post was but I can give you guys an update... Not much has changed. Our next appointment will be the HSG but we don't know exactly when we will be going to that. We are kind of taking a break right now...

Between co-hosting two baby showers and planning my nephews birthday party my mind has been pretty preoccupied. But the hopes of baby Brashier always creep in. Tonight is one of those nights. I can go from weeks of rushing around and being busy not really focusing on the fact that I am not a mother and then there are nights like tonight.. where I finally slow down and it hits me! I cant help but be sad. But I am determined to keep the faith! I know God will bless us with our own bundle of joy and until then I will do my best to not let the sadness take over.

So what we have decided is to put the HSG off (maybe even til fall) and take some time to enjoy the summer! Do some fun things together! Now I know that I will not be able to completely get baby fever off my mind but I will focus more on making fun and happy memories with my husband this summer. I don't want us to look back and only be able to have memories of me moping around missing out on all the blessings God has provided for us!! So with that said there will probably be even more of a lack of blogging then it has been.

Please continue to have us in your prayers. I know that God hears each and everyone and knows the desires of our hearts! Thank you so much for following our journey and keeping us in your prayers!

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Been awhile!

So I haven't blogged in awhile... Not much has changed since my last blog. We are still on hold for our next appointment. I put in my mind that we were just going to keep trying even though we cant go to this appointment and for some reason convinced myself that we were in fact going to get pregnant on our own. It is my birthday Wednesday and I had  it all planned out that I was going to find out on my birthday that I was pregnant and it was going to be the best birthday present ever. (AF was not expected until Thursday) Well this morning I found out that I'm not getting that birthday gift.

I feel numb. I feel like I want to cry (or need to) but the tears wont come. Now we are officially on month 22 of trying... only two months away from two years. I'm losing hope, the hope that I'm so desperately trying to hang on to... but I feel it pulling from my grasp! I realize that I am still asking the same question 22 months later... What is wrong? and cant seem to get the answer!

I pray every night for God to fill my womb. I know that it is not going to come a day later or a day sooner than He plans but I cant seem to stop asking "When Lord"? I know deep down that the Lord has tremendous blessings He is going to bestow upon us but the hurt that comes along with the wait I cant seem to keep at bay. I feel bad to hurt and be sad knowing that God has a plan for me. That by being hurt or sad in some way makes me seem as if I doubt His plan. I know that God does not want to see me hurt or sad and that, that is not His plan. This is just a lesson I'm learning in placing my complete trust in Him. I think my birthday is adding alot to the sadness.. it is just a reminder that I am another year older. Another year gone by without a child and that my clock is ticking. I know that at age thirty our chances drop and then again they drop at age thirty five. But I will continue to stand strong with all of my faith and hope placed at the Lords feet...

Matthew 14:31 NIV Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

Hebrews 11:1 NIV Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV We live by faith, not by sight.                

And God will always provide a way!

Just when I am feeling defeated, hopeless, and lost God does His mighty work! I had a dear friend contact me through facebook after reading my last blog that felt on her heart to donate a large sum to us towards our appointment. My first reaction is I can never take this! I found out quickly that was not an option in her plan or Gods. I am completely humbled and awestruck at her act of kindness and generosity! How silly of me to doubt Gods goodness and love. To put limits on His plan and the way He uses vessels on this earth to do His mighty works! As tears fall from my face there are no words to describe how THANKFUL I am!

I know we have a little ways to go to get where we need to be to make this appointment but I will surly not doubt Gods plan. He is always there to pick me up an show me the way when I feel all is lost!

To the person who donated this to us! I love you and am forever in debt to your kind heart! May God bless you 10xs over! His light has truly shined brightly through you! I am privilege to witness Gods work first hand through your lovely soul!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!

Matthew 5:16     
In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Philippians 2:1-30          

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, ...

Leaning not on my own understanding!

So if you read my last blog you know that we went for our latest HCG shot a couple weeks ago and if it did not work this time we would have to move on to the next treatment. The HSG! Well AF arrived today confirming what I really already knew. So now we are looking to the HSG which is expensive and out of our financial reach. So we went to get our taxes done tonight with hopes that we would get back what we needed for this appointment. Not only are we not getting anything back but we owe almost the exact amount that the procedure cost!!! I was already feeling down and fighting the saddness when we got there! After hearing this I felt a break down coming on! Because the tax place we went to is located in WalMart I did my best to fight off the tears and run for the door as soon as we could get finished up. Now I have no clue how we are going to pay what we owe in taxes much less our appointment.So for now our fertility appointments will be on hold (for quite awhile).

Its hard to decsribe my feelings right now. I dont understand why things happen the way they do. I dont understand why we are having problems having a baby. I dont understand why there is always an obstacle in our way for these appointments. I want to pull my hair out and throw myself on the floor crying! But I wont let myself. I feel actual tension in my body fighting the urge to just let it all out. In a way Im scared to actually let my feeling of despair out. That I may not ever be able to reel them all in if I actually let go. The best word I can think of at this moment to decsribe how I feel is defeated. Ive become really good at not showing how I feel. I run into alot of people who read this blog and tell me how strong I am and how I encourage them and at times I feel bad, that if you all really knew  what I fight within myself at times you wouldnt think Im so strong. And though I dont understand all these things I know that God does. I know that He has a plan and that this is all part of it. That even though we have run into this financial obsticle He has something for me to learn from this! I have faith in that. I know that God lets us go through certain things in our lives that we dont necessarily want to go through but that it is what we need. To understand His love, His power, His plan. When we become selfish and kick and scream and fight His plan because WE dont think it is whats best we will have hardships and consequences. But if we just have faith and follow His guidence He will not let us fail. I am not worthy of His goodness or His love yet He extends it to me if I only have faith and believe.

Though I may be sad and stressed about all of this until His plan prevails I will prayerfully fight those feelings. I will faithfully wait because I KNOW God will hear my cries and that He knows the hurt and desire in my heart. As His child He will answer my call.

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Another Day Another Follicle

So we went for our second fertility appointment today. We did the ultrasound again. This time I had no healthy follicles on my right ovary and a so so size follicle on my left.(which the doctor said is normal, that you usually alternate ovary each cycle) They told us that a follicle needs to measure 1.8 cm to be healthy enough to achieve pregnancy, My follicle was measuring at 1.7cm. So they scheduled for me to come in on Friday to have the HCG shot to boost follicle growth and ovulation. They sent me home with this little ultrasound picture and I have to say I walked out of that office so proud holding my little picture! LOL I told my mom "If we do get pregnant I can tell my child that I prayed for them when he/she was just a little follicle"! LOL

Anyway the doctor told us that if we do not get pregnant this time that our next step will be an HSG and that depending on how that goes she would continue with the follicle scans and put me on a low dose of clomid. At this point I have stopped trying to look ahead and plan. I am just gonna go with the flow and take it one appointment at a time.

At this point we are very hopeful! Almost too hopeful! Which scares me!! So far I have been able to deal (in some sort) with how I react to negative results, but now that the husband is so emotionally invested and I have seen the hurt it causes him it worries my heart! The last thing I want to see is his heart ache like mine has for the past 19 months. Now dont get me wrong Im not saying the hubby didnt care before, I just think before he saw it as things I was coming up with from my massive google searches and now he is actually SEEING and HEARING straight from a doctor and things are getting real for him.

Through all the ups and downs of this roller coaster ride we call infertility one thing has stayed constant and true! And thats Gods love and blessings He has placed upon us! I feel His love through all aspects of our journey! I know that we have had some down days but I can not imagine how those days would be without my savior there to comfort us! When you have a relationship with the Lord, His works in your life become more apparent. Because you are paying attention to Him. Now when I see the smallest prayers answered it is nothing short of a miracle. Jesus does not owe us anything but he gives us His love for FREE! I witnessed one of my small prayers being answered today and it humbled me so much! The thought that God loves me so much that He hears my prayers! We all tend to pray for things (most of the time selfishly) But when those prayers do get answered how often do we stop and say a prayer of thanks to Him? Sometimes we pray for things and often forget about them. Then down the road when that prayer is answered we may give a whoo hoo or something but not stop and give God the glory. I am guilty of this! I TRY to make sure and thank God for His love daily and to consciously take the time to go to Him in thanks when a prayer of mine is answered! Im so thankful for my Savior, for my family, and for all of you guys who care about us and encourage us along our journey.

"Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."
Colossians 3:17

"Always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father;"
Ephesians 5:20

"For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God."
2 Corinthians 4:15

Here we go again...

So as of my last post I left off in not so great of spirits. And to be honest I did have a long while there of being depressed and at a point of wanting to give up! But my wonderful husband would not hear of it. I let my self be sad, upset, and even a little angry. Then I got back out, did a little retail therapy and am now set up for our next round of HCG.  Please be praying for us that it works this time. I try and make sure and pray for Gods will to be done which is very hard when all I want to pray for is MY will to be done!! But one thing is for sure, Gods plan for us will not come a day later or sooner then He has planned for us. So if we do not get the results we are looking for please pray that we have the strength and understanding to handle things a little better this time around.

If the HCG process does not work this time our next step will be the HSG ( which is very expensive and we will have to do some type of fund raiser  to afford the appointment) But my hopes are high and we will see the unveiling of Gods plan in His time.

Im not as nervous this time around because I know what to expect now, which I assume is how things will go in other treatments if we have to go through them. 

The reality of infertility has hit the hubby full force. Ive always thought he was in a bit of denial about the situation, but after seeing the doctor he had the attitude of us not getting pregnant not being an option. When that negative result came he took it harder then he ever has. Im now not only nervous about a negative result but also how the hubby is going to be. My heart hurts to think that his heart hurts. Which contributed the the reasons of why I wanted to give up and stop trying. I thought if we stop trying I dont have to see that look on his face ever again. I dont have to find out something is wrong with me. And we dont have to live on such a tight budget anymore to pay for these infertility cost. But we both talked about it and none of the reasons or excuses are valid enough to stop trying to achieve our dream of parenthood.

After we are done with our treatment I will update you. And after our test results I will update you guys. Last time I felt like I needed to let you all know something but I was very short and to the point due the the feelings of hopelessness I was feeling. I cant assure you that the next one wont be the same if we get a negative result again but I will update you all.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

results of hcg round!

So I have recieved a ton of text and messages on how our results went. After a full week of negative pregnancy test I was still holding out hope for a missed period. Only for Aunt Flo to arrive today. I dont want to write a long blog because Im not in a good place right now. Im always about staying positive but since the first negative test last week I have been really negative and just plain out depressed. This round has affected the hubby the most so far. Im going to allow myself to process and be sad before we make a decision of if we are going to go through with another round of HCG. Ill post another blog when Im in better spirits. Thanks to all of you for your concerns and prayers.

My poor husband!!!

So it has been four days since my HCG shot and my hormones are running wild! Mixed with nerves of "Is this gonna work"! I have been an emotional wreck! The side effects of the shot have caused nausea and ovulation pains along with a sore tush from the site of injection!!We are playing the waiting game again! Two weeks until we can take THE TEST!! ( well technically 10 days ) The doctor put us on a "schedule", and it seems that all the "times" she gave us are the same times the hubby was called out to work. Of all times for him to get called out soooo much! Which added to my emotional break downs! On top of all this I have come down with a terrible sore throat! Yay! Just in time that I cant take ANY medication! But at this point I am determined and will endure all of the emotions and sickness with a smile on my face!! Even through the tears lol! I feel like we are soooo close! That parenthood is on my finger tips! But if we do not achieve parenthood this time Im going to stand strong in the belief that it was just not Gods plan for us. This does not mean I wont break down and fall apart! But it does mean that I will get back up again and never give up!

I have let myself go a little overboard! Youtubing pregnancy announcement videos ( which added to my bouts of crying) and filling up folders on my computer with baby room ideas! This is not the first time I have done these type things! Which scares me! I set myself up for sadness if the test comes out negative. But its like I cant help myself! Lol! The hubbys hopes are so high that I worry that it will crush him if the test comes out negative. He has not been this excited through our entire journey. I try to say things like "well lets not get our hopes up" or" it may not come out positive." And he just gives me this look like "are you crazy" and says "of course its gonna be positive". He tells me dont say that we might not be pregnant. And things like "just think your already pregnant!" Im all for "think positive" attitude but I worry! The option of not being pregnant is just not an option for him! I told him the other day if this does not work we are going to be doing the same appointment next month. His reply: "No next month we are going to be going in for your pregnancy appointment" :/ Please pray for both of us to get the results that we WANT but if its not meant to be pray that we have the understanding of Gods love and wisdom to know that it just was not our time.

Lamentations 3:25 ESV / 39 helpful votes

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.

Psalm 39:7 ESV / 24 helpful votes

“And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.

Micah 7:7 ESV / 21 helpful votes

But as for me, I will look to the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.

Psalm 27:14 ESV / 20 helpful votes

Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!

Psalm 62:5 ESV / 18 helpful votes

For God alone, O my soul, wait in silence, for my hope is from him.

The long awaited UPDATE!

So we just walked in the door from our appointment. Im not sure how I feel right this moment. Im still processing I guess.

When we first walked in the waiting room there were not that many people in there. I filled out the necessary paperwork and we waited. While waiting this cute couple came walking out talking about being 18 weeks pregnant and the dad was gleaming!! He was holding folded up ultrasound pictures and that fell open! There were so many that it almost unfolded to the floor. I felt a rush of emotions (that were unexpected) and started to tear up. Not because I was jealous but because I was thinking that just might be us here soon!

Before my ultra sound I realized I forgot my shot in the car so the hubby ran down to get in. The ultrasound tech could not wait and had to get started.The ultrasound tech did my ultra sound and was showing me all of these different things on a tv across the room (which is when I really wished I had brought my glasses) The hubby made it back right when she was finishing up! I told him he missed all the good stuff! Lol She then told me that the doctor would go over everything with us.

So we waited again. When we finally saw the doctor I pulled out a long list of questions and started rambling them off. She answered each question in detail and me and the hubby like her ALOT! After all of my questions were answered she got down to the ultrasound. She told me that my right ovary has a very large healthy follicle that is in the process of ovulation and the my left ovary has a fair follicle that may or may not develop into ovulating. She then told me that because my body is producing healthy follicles that I would not need the clomid. She gave me the HCG shot to increase ovulation in the already ovulating follicle and to try to increase the chance of the second follicle to ovulate. She sent us home with the hopes of getting pregnant and to take a pregnancy test 2 weeks from today. If I do not become pregnant we will do this cycle one more time. If it does not work the second time then they will send me for an HSG which will tell me if there are any blockages and flush my tubes.

She also told me not to take a pregnancy test for the next two week because it will come up positive due to the shot they gave me! I got a little excited thinking "oh im gonna take one for fun!! Ill finally get to see a positive test even if its not real" lol But Im not really gonna do this! I want the first time I get a positive result to be the real thing!!!!

So that is where we are as of now! I want to say !THANKYOU! so so much to all of you sending encouraging words, prayers, and love to us through facebook, texts, and emails!! Yall really do not understand how much it means to us! When I was reading all of them to the hubby on the way to the doctor he was shocked at how many people are rooting for us and showing how much they care while we are going through this!! It is just amazing! I thank God for each and everyone of you! You all helped me to be a little bit calmer and more encouraged on a day that I have been sick with nerves over for the last week and a half! God is so good! And is hearing all of our prayers! Im so thankful for the news we received today even with not knowing what is to come! I give Him ALL OF THE GLORY!! Without Him there would be no plan or purpose to this life! I can not wait to see what He has instore for us!

1 Thessalonians 5:18 ESV / 513 helpful votes

Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

 A friend shared this verse with me today and it really touched my heart!

Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Thursday will be here before I know it!

It seems like time is flying! Im so nervous about this appointment!! Part of me wants to run the other way! Which is crazy because I have been waiting on this appointment for almost 2 years! Im terrified of the results! All week I have played every scenario in my head! My worst fear is that they tell me that I can not have a child! How will I react... What will I do next? I try so hard to stay positive and SMILE even when I want to cry but this appointment is throwing me off! I have been asked twice this week what is wrong with me. I did not even realize that my true emotions are showing that much! I just cant help but feel down! I am constantly in prayer. I catch myself praying without even knowing. But I know that no matter how hard or long I pray, if it is Gods will for me to not physically have children I wont, I have to accept that and seek His guidance in His plan for us.

I stepped outside the other day to find a box at the door! It made this appointment a reality for me! I tore into the box already knowing what I would find. This huge box full of bubble paper and two small bottles of liquid. Medication that I have to bring to the doctor Thursday to boost ovulation if I am not producing healthy eggs and follicles. Looking at the two bottles made me think, these two little things could be the answer to our journey towards parenthood. But it could also never even be put to use if we receive the answers that we are hoping and praying not to receive.

Me and the hubby talk alot about the appointment. His answer is always the same, encouraging and loving. Assuring me that no matter what everything will be alright! We talk alot about adoption if we get news that biological children are not possible. We are both very open to adoption, to the point of wanting to adopt even if we can have children. But thinking of adoption with no biological children makes me sad. I know that it sounds selfish and dont get me wrong I will be ecstatic either way. But it makes me sad to think that adoption would be our only option. That means that I will never get to see if our little one would look just like me or just like the hubby! Or a perfect mix of us both. That makes me so sad to think about. I always think if we have a child I hope it has my husbands beautiful blue eyes and his straight dark hair. But the thought that always follows is will I ever get to see that?

I know that Jesus loves me and that He hurts to see me hurt. I also know that dealing with the consequences that only I have created is part of life. He gives us all free will to make our own decisions. I still struggle with "Is infertility a consequence placed in my life due to past sins" I wonder this often and do not know the answer. I do know that God uses trials in the lives of some to show His mercy and love. I just dont know yet which one of those my infertility falls under.

I still stand strong in the Lord having a special plan for me! I know that He will prevail and that its important that I turn my attention from earthly things and wants and have my full attention and focus on Him. Depending on Him fully. Having faith in His unconditional love for me, my husband, and our life.
Please pray for us this week and my next post will be updating yall on the big appointment!

The Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting …” (Psalm 100:5)

“For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him … But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him.” (Psalm 103:11,17)

Upcoming Appointment...

So the nurse called me today and my appointment for my follicle scan is set for February 9th. I don't really understand exactly all that we are doing at this appointment or why we are doing this before other testing but Ive come to realize that I need to just let go and let God! I have google stressed myself to the max on what to expect at this appointment and have exhausted myself! So here is what the nurse told me... I will come in on the 9th and they will do an ultrasound to see if I'm producing healthy follicles along with healthy eggs. The next part is where I get confused ( but I'm gonna have faith that the doctors know what they are doing and so does God) This is what I get from what she told me but am not sure exactly lol. If I'm producing healthy follicles and eggs they will schedule for an HSG or something like that. Basically they will insert a dye  along with an x-ray to see if I have any blockages in my Fallopian tubes and such. If I am not producing healthy follicles or eggs they will put me on clomid and give me this shot that they sent me in the mail to jump start ovulation. Of the two I'm hoping for the latter of the two. Mainly because I'm scared of the HSG procedure.

Infertility is truly a roller coaster ride! I feel like there are moments of good news and excitement that are immediately followed with bad news and depression. I look forward to this appointment! I feel like I have been standing still so long waiting on these appointments to get started and we have hit the ground running! Everything is happening so fast that my thought process of what is going on is in jambles! The nurse overwhelms me when she talks. After her first sentence I feel like the rest of the conversation is her talking in a barrel with me trying to decipher what she is telling me! I cant wait to get to this appointment to slow things down and get out all the questions is have.

Now because I tell every emotion I have through this blog I have to tell you what has been going on the past couple of days. Since the husband has found out all is well in his fertility he has let it go to his head a little. And with me still not knowing my verdict I have let jealousy get the best of me. The day we received his results he was strutting his stuff bragging on himself ( which I now find completely adorable ) but at the time it completely hurt my feelings. I told him to stop bragging that there was nothing wrong with him and that I was the problem. Although that was not at all what he was saying in the emotional state I was in that is how I perceived it. It caused a little bit of a fuss between us that we both had to later apologize for, but I guess those are both legitimate feelings we all have that are dealing with infertility. He now realizes that at that moment it was insensitive of him to celebrate his good news while I was dealing with my bad news. And I realize that I need to be happy for my husband and excited with him. I know he would be for me. After our little fuss he looked at me and told me "I wish it would be something wrong with me and not you, I would take if on if I could" that moment melted my heart and made me realize once again what a wonder man God placed in my life. I have no doubt that God chose us specially for each other.


I have grown so much in my Spiritual walk through this experience. I have felt Gods presence with me every step of the way. He has been there to pick me up when I could not stand on my own. He has been there to hold my hand when I am sad and scared! My love for my Savior is indescribable. He has brought us this far in our journey and I know that He will continue to guide us in all aspects of our life as long as we keep allowing Him to and seeking Him for His guidance. If you do not have a relationship with the Lord I strongly urge you to do so! Seek Him! He is waiting for you to call on Him! Even though we have to deal with the consequences of our sins God is there to make them easier, to guide you through them, so that your not wandering aimlessly blinded with darkness of sin! He can take those sins away! He has already paid the price for them He is just waiting on you to turn them over to Him!

1 Corinthians 2:3

And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling,

1 Corinthians 2:4-5 

And my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

Psalm 1:1-6 

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; ...

Isn't it Ironic

So ever since the nurse told me I have to call her on the first day of my period I have been waiting for it to come! I have spent so many months praying for it to not come and breaking down when it does and now here I sit waiting for it!! Don't get me wrong! I will be ecstatic if it does not come and I am in fact pregnant! That would be the ultimate blessing!! But I still find it ironic that the one thing I have been warding off like the plague Im now waiting for!

Im nervous! This process is an emotional up and down series of events!  Being stressed and worried waiting on the results from the hubbys test.. finally getting them and being happy right back to being worried and stressed over the next appointment. Ive come to realize that there is probably going to be alot more of these ups and downs! Right now Im excited to see the ultrasound of my follicles! With either an up or down to follow depending on those results. Im trying to mentally prepare myself. Obviously there is going to be something wrong otherwise we would not have an issue getting pregnant. But along with this I have a massive feeling of being "broken"! I feel like my body is "broken" because it is not doing what its made to do! I feel like my heart is "broken" because I can not make our family grow! I have to stand strong in my faith and Gods plan for me! The feelings of all this brokenness can cause one to become depressed. If I let go I know that this can become wreck less and cause brokenness in other areas of my life. Its exhausting! I feel like I need to exhale but cant! That if I do finally exhale I will allow myself to be at that vulnerable state that could cause me to shatter!

I know I have talked about an infertility get together several times throughout my blogs. Well the planning has started. We are looking towards late spring early summer. We are in talks of having a wonderful lady that all of us can relate to open, a small devotional, and a share your story time (if you would like to share) followed but refreshments. The one thing I look forward to the most in this event is learning Gods word on dealing with infertility and the strength and peace He provides for us and forming a sisterhood with others who know the shoes you walk in. I have met so many great girls through this process that have been there for me to lift me up while I have been down. To share with me there experiences and learn from each other. If you would like to attend please get in contact with me through facebook or text! It will be a true blessing and a great opportunity to feel love and support from others dealing with infertility!


"For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)

The official update...

The nurse called today and told me that everything is A-OK with the hubby! I was so happy! Then she started to tell me what the next steps would entail and while she was talking it hit me! If he is okay then that must mean something is wrong with me! My happiness suddenly turned into sadness and I started to get overwhelmed with all that she was saying. She started rambling off questions like when and how long is your cycle, what day do you ovulate, how long have yall been trying and I could hear myself almost roboticly answering the questions. It became so overwhelming that I started to cry when she told me she would call me back! When I got off the phone I cried like I never have before! I guess I had just been preparing myself subconsciously that it would be male factor infertility. I dont know why. After talking with my mom on the phone and letting myself cry it out I realized that this is what I wanted. ANSWERS! And for the ball to get rolling. This is part of Gods plan for us and me sitting around in self pity is not going to get me anywhere.

So the nurse called me back after talking with the doctor on what the plan is for our next step. I will have to call them on the first day of my period and they will schedule an appointment for me 12 days from that day so they can do an ultrasound to see if I am producing healthy follicles while ovulating. ( I never in a million years thought my first ultrasound would be of follicles and not a baby!!) She did not say anything about blood work but im assuming they will be doing this also. Which I am the most terrified from!! I have never had blood drawn and only one IV in which they completely numbed my hand so I didnt feel a thing. But as I have said before I will do whatever I have to do to achieve parenthood! So bring on the needles! Anyway when they take a look at my follicles they will see if they are healthy or not. If not they will put me on Clomid that will help improve the follicle quality. If I do have healthy follicles they will do an HSG (which is out of our budget and we will have to save awhile for) which is where they put a dye in my Fallopian tubes to look for any blockages and flush my tubes. And this is just our FIRST step! I would be lying if I told you that Im not scared! But Im also hopeful! I feel like we are officially on the road to parenthood.

This journey so far has been an emotion roller coaster! But even through the down days alot of great things have come out of this! The first is the strength I have found in my relationship with my Savior! My marriage has become stronger and brought us closer than I thought we ever could be! I have made some AMAZING friends through this process! And I have received so many encouraging words and so much love from each of you that read our blog! We feel your prayers working in our lives and love you guys so much!

I want to take the time to thank each and everyone of you who have been praying for the hubby and for us both while waiting on his results! I thank the Lord Jesus for answered prayers! Please pray for me as we embark on the next step in this journey!

Genesis 1:22God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth."

Genesis 12:2-3
"I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you."

I feel like the Jeopardy Song plays constanly in my head!

So last week waiting on the results was not all that bad, mainly because I had getting our car on my mind all week as a distraction. But NOW!! Its all I think about! I run through my head how I will react if the answer is this or that. I feel like the jeopardy "waiting for an answer" song is playing in my head at all times! Then I had a moment today! One Im not proud of BUT I took control of myself and did not let the emotions take over! But I had the strong urge to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream "Im tired of waiting" "I just want a baby already". "Why is this taking so long" ect! I literally allowed myself to imagine myself doing this... of course I didnt actually throw this fit and I felt guilty for even thinking these thoughts! But its just something I felt today. I know that God has a plan for me and that its not gonna come a day early or a day later than He plans. Its just hard to understand when you want something so bad! I guess I just have my bad, doubtful, and sometimes shameful days. Today was one of those! I felt hopeless today, I felt angry at our bodies for not "working", I felt impatient, and most of all sad! I try my best to stay positive and have an outlook that things can be much worse but I cant explain the sadness that creeps in. The things that most pregnant women complain of such as vomiting, back aches, swollen feet, headaches, etc etc etc!! Im so sad because I dont have those!

Not long ago I got to bring someone special to babies r us and because she was pregnant we got to park in the "pregnant parking" spots. As I sat in the car and looked at the sign ahead of me and the plain ol parking spot behind us in the rear view I thought "well that spot really isnt that much farther than this special one" But in reality for me that plain ol spot is a whole lot farther away from the special spot  then I ever expected! I mean really parking in that pregnant parking spot is not that big of a deal to someone who is pregnant. Most likely the thought that there is someone who wants to be able to claim this spot so badly but cant never crosses there mind. Its just a parking spot. Well that simple parking spot can bring sadness to someone who is dealing with infertility. Something as simple and silly as a parking spot.

Some days I feel like giving up and telling myself Im okay with not having kids. It will be so much less heart ache if I just stop trying for something I clearly cant have. But telling myself that LIE will only make things worse. I cleaned out my bathroom cabinet the other night. I threw away boxes and boxes of pregnancy and ovulation test. I dont want to even see them when I open the cabinet. Looking at one makes me sick because of how much sadness those little test have brought me for the past 18 months. Not to mention how much money I have just thrown in the trash. From now own I will only buy a test if my period is over 3 days late. No more spending $60 to $100 dollars a month on test. I literally have paid to make myself cry every month!!!

Sometimes I sit here and stare at my blog not knowing what to write... At a loss for words... I feel like Im stuck and have nothing new to tell yall. Im just a broken record saying the same thing over and over again. But my message remains the same... Im sad most of the time... My heart and body feel broken most of the time... I have spouts of jealousy alot of the time... But my faith is not broken! I trust God has a plan! I know He will prevail in my life and comfort me if things dont go as I planned them to! And I will continue to SMILE even though Im crying on the inside!

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

An update... but not really an update!

So in the past weeks with the purchase of a new car, some unexpected financial struggles, and a negative pregnancy test I have been somewhat of an emotional wreck at times! Then I get a phone call! A phone call from the DOCTOR!! I was so nervous.... 1. because I missed the call and 2. I had to check the voicemail. I was standing in the middle of a car lot with the sun beating down only adding to all of a sudden sweat that had broken out! I excused myself to my car so I could listen to the voicemail in privacy and  I thought well if I get bad news at least Im getting rid of this car so that it wouldnt be a constant reminder. After finally finding the courage to JUST LISTEN TO IT ALREADY!!  It was not news I expected. They told me that there had been a delay in the results. That it would take another week or two before they would be calling me with the results. I dont know how I feel about this.... On one hand I think maybe they just had some set backs in the office and are backed up?? Right? on the other hand I think maybe something is wrong... something that made them have to do further testing.... that she couldnt tell me over voicemail. Yet I cant bring myself to call and ask. I know its crazy! I feel like its just one to two more weeks I can wait... Im good at waiting!! But I could just call and get it over with. I guess I feel confused and stressed not only from this but other things going on. So I turn to God. To give me strength to be patient... wisdom to understand (even if its something I dont want to hear)... and peace with whatever path is set before us. The best I can do is stay focused on Jeremiah 29:11. God has a plan for us! It is already set out for us we are just blindly trusting him along this journey. This does not mean however that I dont have my moments of doubt and question God if He really does have a special plan for me.... and I question how long Ill have to wait to see this plan prevail... I know that this is Satan getting in my head, pushing doubts in my mind! These are the times that I rely on my Hevenly Father the most! Soooo..... as soon as I get official results I will let all of you know!!

The next portion I got from a website by this link http://christianpf.com/trusting-god/

I should be just as confident that things are going to work out when they look crazy as when everything looks fine and dandy. The opposite is true as well. Even though things look peaceful and calm, that is not an indication of security. Our security comes from God. It is not at all dependent on what is going on around us. Whether it is the economy, our finances, our children, our marriages, we can (and should) trust God with all of it.

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Praying for the Roth Family!

Dealing with infertility is one thing, dealing with the loss of a child is a whole nother! I know the pain of wanting a child... and at times it is unbearable. But watching a child struggle and dealing with the loss of a child is devastating to say the least. ( If you have not heard about Tripp and his story please look up the blog "EB"ing a mommy) My heart breaks for Courtney and the pain she is going through at this time. And sadly it will probably only get worse before it gets any better. For the last two years and eight months her life has consisted of all things Tripp. Loving him, caring for him, and never giving up. And now that has all changed. I know she is feeling a tremendous amount of loss and probably alot of what to do in her daily routine now. But the thing I most admire about her is her unfailing faith and trust in our all powerful God! At a time of struggle or loss is when our faith is normally most tested, but not with Courtney! Her testimony and Tripps are all in Gods plan! Tripps life did not go without purpose! God used his little life as a testimony! He has reached people all over the country and with reaching them he has also told them about God without ever even speaking! How awesome is that??? Just by hearing of him and reading his mothers blog, each person that has read her blog has heard the love of Jesus! As hard as it was to see the unbearable pain Tripp had to deal with in his little life it leaves me awestruck to think of the pain that Jesus went through on the cross for our sins. The torture and pain Jesus went through does not compare to any pain any human being has ever gone through on this earth! He did that for us! Accepting Jesus in our hearts and living in His image brings us eternal life. So that Him dying on that cross for us does not go in vain! Think of it this way. If you had a surgery to remove one of your kidneys to give to someone to save there life and they denied it you would feel as if you went through all of that pain and recovery for nothing. Well Jesus feels like that when you do not accept Him as your Savior and live your life for Him. I know without a doubt that little Tripp is in heaven with Jesus and all His glory! Free of pain and suffering! But his mommy and family are left here for the time being dealing with the pain and suffering of his loss. Please take to time to lift them in prayer. To give them strength and peace in there time of dispair.

Psalm 27:4-5
One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

A pushy car salesman pushing the wrong nerve of an infertil!

So some of you know that I bought my car a year ago with the mindset that we were buying it to fill up with kids! I jumped the gun, bought an eight passenger car, and quickly realized it was going to be a littler harder than I thought to load it down with kiddos. So I feel like its just and ugly everyday reminder to me that it is a big huge EMPTY car! To be honest it depresses me to drive it knowing that Im the only one taking up any space in this huge vehicle! I know that its all in my head and a mind thing! But I just want it gone!

So we have been looking into getting a smaller used vehicle. I started looking around and have come across several that I like! And then I found the Nissan Rouge! And its the one! The one I just HAVE to have! LOL So we went to Royal Nissan with the idea of looking at some used Rouges. A very nice salesman came out and asked us if he could help us. He immediately started pushing a BRAND NEW CAR! And not a just a Rouge he wanted us to drive every new car they had. I told him many times that we were not interested in NEW we wanted USED and that I was not even sure if I would be buying a car that day. Im the type of person that likes to sleep on a decision before I make it when it comes to finances. He said that was fine and that he had nothing to do for the rest of the day! Long story short we got there at 10 am and left at 7 pm! He almost physically did not let us leave. I came the closet I have ever been to buying something that I kept saying I did not want to buy! A brand new 2012 Nissan Rouge. He had us all the way down to the only thing we had to do was sign our name on this little line and take the key. I popped into reality at that moment and told him that I just couldn't make this large of a purchase. He asked me what else I could possibly have to purchase that would cost this much and that buying this car would not affect me. ( as if he knows me personally) He had been saying all day yall don't have anything better to spend this much money on, it might as well be a car. Well finally I told him actually we do. We have fertility cost that will be hitting us hard this year and I just cant responsibly buy this car knowing the type of financial struggle we are going to face this year. And do you know what this man (who has a ten week old baby at home along with a three year old) told me!?! And I quote "Having a baby is just not that important" He actually said those words to me! I became angry and told him he had no idea what its like to scrape yourself off the floor every month for two years with having a baby being the most important thing in your life. Now I know he is a salesman and really wanted to make this sell. But being plain out insensitive caught me off guard. I let my anger get the best of me and ended up leaving in tears. He said ugly things to us and I just left out to get in the car. He then actually put a pen in my husbands hand and told him just sign the paper she is upset now but she will be happy after you just buy it for her. Sometime you have to do things behind your wife's back to make them happy! My husband told him "you don't know my wife" lol I just could not believe this guy! If i had $25,000 cash I would not buy a car from this guy! I had to share this! Its just ridiculous how insensitive some can be when it comes to infertility. And this is why most dealing with infertility are scared to share there story! Fear of the mean, insensitive, uneducated comments others can make! After cooling off  I realize that this guy probably has no idea what type of struggle is it dealing with infertility. And with the fact that he told us he has two children we know that he does not know what its like to want a child so badly. Although I let anger get the best of me at first I pray for this guy. To give him understanding of the struggles others go through in life and the knowledge to be thankful for the blessings that came so easily to him.

Anyways! I know that from the start I have talked about starting a support group for others out there dealing with infertility. Today at church my mom was asked if some of the ladies could contact me to pray for me which gave me an idea. I think that I want to have a get together at my church. We would meet, eat, talk, pray, and have a small devotional. I would like for it to be where anyone who is dealing with infertility or has dealt with infertility to  come and meet. And not just us infertile but our mothers/mother in laws too if they would like to come. It affects them too! If you would like to share your story you could or just listen. It will be an opportunity to hear success story's and relate to those going through what you are going through. If you don't want to share of course you would not have to. I have always said that its good to talk to others about infertility and not keep it bottled up but its just something else to talk to those who are in your shoes. Its almost like a sisterhood! You just KNOW what they are feeling! It will be a great opportunity to have some great ladies praying for you and a great group of girl to become friends with, to help you through those days that are almost unbarable! I have not set a date or talk with someone to lead the bible study but if you would be interested in coming please message me on facebook or by text if you have my number or you can email me ash_potater@yahoo.com

Matthew 18:20

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

Update

So I have received several text today about our appointment and decided to do a blog to let all of you know how our appointment went today.

We woke up today and the hubby was not in the best of moods! ( to say the least ) The nerves were getting to him I guess. But we forged on! And his mood improved on the way there. I guess he figured we had to to get it done so he might as well have a good attitude about it! Which ended up in one of the MOST hilarious days of our marriage this far! I wont go into detail for his sake ;) but he seems to be able to make any situation funny! lol  After we got to the doctors office .. well you know .. and we talked over with the nurse all the details. She told us that it will take 3 to 5 days for the results to come in and that we should know by Friday! I let out a sigh of relieve and instantly felt like Im holding my breath again! Now its the waiting game. Preparing for whatever answers we receive. BUT at least there will be some answers and then we can continue with further appointments if needed. At first I started to pray that there be nothing wrong and that we just become pregnant. That we just weren't doing the timing right or something. And then I realized that I praying for the wrong thing. I need to be praying that Gods will be done. Even if that includes something being wrong and trials for us to face. Because that would be His plan not mine. Then I continued to pray that if the answers we receive are not the ones WE want then to give us the strength and understanding to bring us through. I still stand Strong in my faith. That whatever His plan is, is more masterful than we can imagine. Even if it includes some struggles and strife.

Im very thankful that this appointment is over. It feels like we are moving! Not standing still anymore! Thank you to all of you who are praying for us! Remember in your own life that when things are tuff, turn to Jesus. Let Him lead you. It may seem that everything is going wrong (believe me I know) but when you seek Jesus you will have peace that through the strife God is there leading you right out of it!

I will let you all know as soon as the results come in! Thank you for all of your prayers, comments, texts, and messages! And thank you for following our blog!!!

Isaiah 41:10

10 Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Lets try this again!

Just a short update.... Wednesday is the day! We will be going to our first appointment. We have made the decision to not let anything stand in our way of this appointment. No matter what is going on we are going to take the time to go Wednesday morning! If it means missing out on some special event or getting in trouble at work for coming in late, we are going!! Im excited! Hopefully by Friday we will have the results. Im going to take this week to mentally prepare myself for the answers we receive. It can only go one of two ways. And with no other nice way to put it, it will either be something wrong with him or me. Please pray for us this week. Even if the answer is bad news at least it is still an answer! So the famous brown paper bag will be making its appearance Wednesday morning and will no longer sit on my kitchen counter as a constant reminder that we have not even hit the tip of the iceberg yet! And it could not come at a better time. Lately the hubby and I have started to mentally drain ourselves, not that it has caused problems in our marriage but , there is a strain there. I get easily aggravated because Im frustrated all the time for not being able to "fix" the problem. And the hubby is coming to terms with the fact that there is a problem. He has had the mentality of if he doesnt think about it then theres not a problem and it will just fix its self. I think with two years of infertility coming up he has realized that plan is not going to work. So here we go! We are hitting the next leg of the race and our journey is looking all uphill from here with no finish line in sight.... YET! I know that God already knows where we are headed and what struggles we are going to face on this journey. Which helps me feel better because I know the only plans He has for us are great ones!!

I know that once we start this journey with the doctors that my mind will at times get clouded. Wanting a child so badly will over take some of my decision making skills. My goal is to remember to always love the Lord first. Not LOVE having a child or my husband or anything for that matter. It is the first commandment!

Matthew 22:37-40 - Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind

All of it, not some of it! So I will try and make sure daily He is my focus and that anything I do is only in His glory, His time, and by His plan! Please continue to pray and I will update you all on our results as soon as we get them! BYE BYE BROWN PAPER BAG THAT PLAGUES ME!! ;)

Fighting the urge of self pity!

So for the past two weeks I have stayed shut up  in my house letting myself sink into a depression! I did get out 3 of those days but it did not help relieve the feelings Im having. I wake up each morning telling myself that I may as well stay in bed because I have no reason to get up. No purpose! I thought about maybe getting a job, but that would not cure these feelings because the only job I want is to be a mother! So I continued to mope all week alternating from couch to bed. Wasting my days away. I still think about what if we dont have a child? What will I do with the rest of our lives? I know this sounds crazy but it is really how I feel. There is a positive outcome of my two weeks down! I took the two weeks to soak myself in the pages of a book! A book called 1001 BABY NAMES! Lol And as a result we have our boy and girl name now set in stone! :) I will be keeping those a secret until the wonderful day of parenthood arrives! I have to let yall have a little suspense! Lol. I found myself this week asking God "Is this your plan"? "How can this be your plan for me"? Im thankful for my infertility because it has taught me what a true relationship with the Lord really is. It has built my faith but I still falter and doubt! Asking God "Ive learned that my relationship with you was not where it needed to be" But Im here now humble and faithfully waiting. How much longer do I have to wait God?" And then I have that reminder pop into my head

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I have realized that I have let my life focus on baby baby baby again! When God should be my focus! I could be missing out on a wonderful plan he has for me by being a baby myself, by staying home and sulking. So hello world! Im back out and about! And what happens as soon as I get out and about socializing again?? I have a wonderful talk with a friend that raises and interesting proposal. To become a CASA! A court appointed special advocate!

CASA volunteers are appointed by judges to advocate for the best interests of abused and neglected children in court and other settings.

I would help with children in foster care that are going through court proceedings. Being there voice and helping to support them emotionally. I love that I will be helping children going through one of the toughest times but at the same time they will help me through one of mine. Being able to show a child love and support is what I want. Ive just been to busy focusing on that being MY child. Not thinking that I could do that very thing with children who need a special someone in there life. Even if it is just for a short time.
Im still considering this. And there are training courses that I will have to go through but Im really liking this proposal. I will pray for Gods guidance and if this is where he wants me to be. I think about meeting a child and maybe being the only person to ever mention Jesus and His love for them through a ruff time in there life.

Im also thinking that I may volunteer at an orphanage. Having worship time with them and sharing my love of crafts with them. I am in search of an orphanage in our area. Which are rare these days with so many foster homes. But we think we may have found one is Mississippi. It would be a drive but where ever He leads Ill go! :)

So moral of my two week mope? I do have a purpose! I just have to stop being narrow minded and think that my ONLY purpose is the one I think I should have.

Remedy for Shatterd Hopes

A huge bottle of super glue (a.k.a FAITH) and a broom (a.k.a GOD) to pick up the pieces!

WARNING: This blog may contain TMI for some :)

So in my last blog I talked about how I had told myself that I would be pregnant by 2012 all year and that December was my last month for that chance. As the month went on my hopes began to build! And when new years eve came I couldnt believe it!! Still no period. I tried all month to not get excited and to not get my hopes up. I made sure and not even voice my excitement in fear that I may jinx myself!! On new years eve day I started to think about how great it would be that I actually achieved pregnancy in the last month of 2011!!!! Me and the hubby stayed in on new years eve! Sitting on the couch waiting for the count down! Ten minutes til i decided to make a trip to the restroom before the new year hit and devastation occured! My period came! I hated that I let myself get so excited and that I had let my hopes build so high! It only set me up for a bigger disappointment! I had ten minutes to regain my composure and enjoy my new year with my husband which seemed impossible. But I have had lots of experience over that last year on picking myself up with Gods help! So we did not achieve parenthood in 2011 and I brought in 2012 with the reminder of not being pregnant and what I will probably experience alot more of in 2012!

Yesterday me and the hubby spent the whole day together relaxing. I have had an earache for a little while now, I randomly told him "I wish this earache would go away" and he replyed "I wish you were pregnant". It caught me off guard and reminded me that this affects him just as much as it affects me. Even though he does not show his depair in not becoming a father he feels it! That breaks my heart. On our wedding day I never thought we would be here yearning to be parents so badly.

As I read and hear everyones hopes for 2012 it makes me think of our own upcoming year. Im sure it will be filled with tons of uncomfortable doctors appointments, negative pregnancy test, tears and fears, financial struggles, depression here and there, lots of long talks with special friends, and questions each month from family on if we are pregnant yet. But my hopes for 2012 are answers to our infertility, peace in times of despair, strength in our marriage through our journey, a stronger glorifying relationship with our Savior, and by Gods grace a pregnancy!!

My favorite bible verse that I know I will think of daily is Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I wish all of you joy, peace, and happiness in 2012! But most of all I wish and pray for any of you that do not know the Lord to seek Him!