Sometimes and unexpected visit from a wonderful friend results in an all day event of drinking tea and great conversation. Which at times is all that I really need! I cannot express how thankful I am that the good Lord has placed some exceptional people in my life. To lift me up, listen to me ramble, and allow me to learn from their experiences. Lately I have felt a little confused and frustrated at where we are in our journey. Feeling like I'm standing still while everyone else is racing by. But I have learned that this is not a race to parenthood. Some are destined to reach parenthood before me. As much as I try to win this race I will not reach the finish line until the Lord is ready for me to. And thankfully I have some really great people in my life that help me through it.
I know that through this journey, at times, I have not been the easiest person to get along with. I have had my days where I have not felt like being friendly and weeks maybe months of being depressed. But those that understand do not take it personally and are there for me when I pick myself up out of self pity.
Although we have not even begun our journey with the doctors I already feel myself becoming anxious. Will there be something wrong with me? The hubby? Will it involve invasive procedures? Or the most dreaded... Will biological children just not be an option? I have been doing alot of soul searching lately about adoption. And I don't want adoption to be our plan B. I don't want it to be a well if we cant have kids then we will settle for adoption. That just does not seem right to me for some reason. Because of our journey with infertility it has opened my eyes to alot of things.I think that even if we have a biological child, I still would like to adopt. All children are children of God. Even our biological children are not really ours. They are Gods children placed with us to care for and guide them to our Heavenly Father. I see adopted children just the same, children placed with us to care for and guide to our Father. And though I blogged about fostering just not being for us, it seems that lately it has been in more of our conversations than normal. I still do not know where I stand, but I will seek the Lords guidance. Part of me sees it has the opportunity to show a child love of a family and the love our Father has for them even if it results in that child being placed back with their family and not with ours. Emotionally I still do not know if it is something I can handle but God sure is breaking down the walls in the department. We will see where He leads us but the wonderful news is HE IS LEADING!! How wonderful is that??
The closer my relationship with the Lord becomes the more I see Him working in my life! Through placing great friends in my life! Changing the mindset I have on almost EVERYTHING! The amazing peace He gives me at times that I would normally be falling apart. The relationship between myself and the hubby! He is touching every area of my life and it elates me! I cant describe exactly how wonderful it really is!! I want to share His love with everyone I meet so that they can have the same wonderful blessings in there lives!!!!!!
Psalms 119:105 - Your word is a lamp to my feet And a light to my path.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Blessed this Christmas Season
Whew!!! Just plopped down on the couch after three full days of running the road! Stuffing our faces here and there and enjoying time with family. We had a very blessed Christmas this year!! Even though I had small twinges of sadness, wishing we had a baby to take around from house to house, I enjoyed it for the most part! With all of the running about I really didn't have much time to stop and dwell on the matter, which was a blessing in its self. There were talks of our infertility at every family event we went to this weekend. Some that I brought up, some that family members brought up. But Ive come to a point where I love to talk about it. Its apart of our life. And I also find it healthy to get it out. It also is an educational subject to those who don't know much about it, which in a way is raising an awareness of infertility. Its not some disorder that is cured by "just stop trying" or "just don't think about it" which is the most common statements people dealing with infertility hear. Infertility is something that is not often talked about and most people dealing with it hide it because they are scared or ashamed. I hope that in a way I can raise awareness of infertility to those who know nothing about it and to help those that are scared to speak out know that they are not alone and its okay to talk about. I'm doing my small part just by blogging our story, but I hope in the future we may be able to organize some type of events on raising awareness and maybe even doing something to help those dealing with infertility who do not have insurance. Its just a dream right now but hopefully oneday we will see it come true.
Now that Christmas is over it means that January is fast approaching!!! Which means that our doctors appointment whirlwind will also be coming soon!!! I feel a YIKES and a YAY all at the same time!! lol First we will start off with my acupuncture appointment that I will be scheduling the second week of January and the hubbys appointment in that same week. Once these two are out of the way we will see what God has in store for us!! I know His blessings are miraculous and His plan will prevail. Until then I will faithfully wait and continue to seek His guidance on the path He leads us on. Hopefully 2012 will result in a baby but I'm not getting my hopes up to much. I remember thinking 2011 was going to result in a baby and I think subconsciously I was trying to beat the clock which aided in me losing focus on Gods plan and me trying to force my plan, or any plan for that matter to take place. I know that the closer my relationship with the Lord grows the devil will only attack me more, placing struggle and trials in my life, BUT I have God on my side so he can BRING. IT. ON.! My Savior is the King of kings and Lord of lords! He is with me always! I stand strong in His loving plan for me is more than I can ever imagine and He will prevail in my life!
Now that Christmas is over it means that January is fast approaching!!! Which means that our doctors appointment whirlwind will also be coming soon!!! I feel a YIKES and a YAY all at the same time!! lol First we will start off with my acupuncture appointment that I will be scheduling the second week of January and the hubbys appointment in that same week. Once these two are out of the way we will see what God has in store for us!! I know His blessings are miraculous and His plan will prevail. Until then I will faithfully wait and continue to seek His guidance on the path He leads us on. Hopefully 2012 will result in a baby but I'm not getting my hopes up to much. I remember thinking 2011 was going to result in a baby and I think subconsciously I was trying to beat the clock which aided in me losing focus on Gods plan and me trying to force my plan, or any plan for that matter to take place. I know that the closer my relationship with the Lord grows the devil will only attack me more, placing struggle and trials in my life, BUT I have God on my side so he can BRING. IT. ON.! My Savior is the King of kings and Lord of lords! He is with me always! I stand strong in His loving plan for me is more than I can ever imagine and He will prevail in my life!
1 Chronicles 16:11
Seek the LORD and His strength; seek His face continually.
Seek the LORD and His strength; seek His face continually.
Psalm 25:9
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them his way.
Psalm 25:12
Who is the man who fears the LORD? He will instruct him in the way he should choose.
Who is the man who fears the LORD? He will instruct him in the way he should choose.
Psalm 31:3
Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Since you are my rock and my fortress, for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Psalm 32:8
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.
And still one of my most favorites!!
Psalm 37:4,7
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass ... Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him
Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass ... Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
2012 is fast approaching!
I remember, what seems not so long ago, thinking I will be pregnant by next year for sure! Thinking that there would be no way that I would still be trying to conceive by 2012! This is the last month, the last chance to become pregnant in 2011! Which likely will not happen. I never in a million years thought I would be battling infertility, but I am. God chose us to sustain this struggle. He chose us to show His love and support to others through this struggle. And I'm okay with this. The one thing Ive learned through this process is nothing is in our time, its all in His time. It does not matter if its 2011 or 2015 its going to happen when the good Lord wants it to happen. And there is a possibility that He just does not want us to have biological children. I do not know what His plan is, and at times I struggle with trying to understand His plan. But it just reminds me that I'm not suppose to try and understand or figure out His plan. I'm suppose to trust and have faith that His wondrous plan will prevail.
I'm the type of person that when I want something or want to do something, I make it happen. I get on it right then and there to accomplish whatever plan I have come up with. With infertility I have no control. I cant make it happen. So it has been a major learning experience for me! I have learned that I am not in control God is. It has been a trying, depressing at times, faith shaking lesson. But it has also been a spiritual growing, finding happiness through God, faith building, lesson also. And I'm thankful for that! I have been strengthened in my faith through this process and that's the best gift I could receive! Even better then the gift of a child.
So I will go into 2012 hopeful and faithful. Hopeful that the Lord will provide us with a child and faithful that even if He doesn't He will be constant in our lives. Because in reality we need Him more than we need anything in this life.
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
I'm the type of person that when I want something or want to do something, I make it happen. I get on it right then and there to accomplish whatever plan I have come up with. With infertility I have no control. I cant make it happen. So it has been a major learning experience for me! I have learned that I am not in control God is. It has been a trying, depressing at times, faith shaking lesson. But it has also been a spiritual growing, finding happiness through God, faith building, lesson also. And I'm thankful for that! I have been strengthened in my faith through this process and that's the best gift I could receive! Even better then the gift of a child.
So I will go into 2012 hopeful and faithful. Hopeful that the Lord will provide us with a child and faithful that even if He doesn't He will be constant in our lives. Because in reality we need Him more than we need anything in this life.
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” (Jeremiah 29:11)
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
I have an addiction!!!
CAFFEINE!!!! It seems the more I try to lay off the cokes and chocolate the worse it gets! I know silly right? Wrong! This is serious people! lol So a couple of months back I was SOOOOO on the bandwagon of fertility rituals! I cut out all cokes, chocolate, fish, medications (Advil/cold med), and anything else that could interfere with becoming pregnant. But after I decided that I was letting infertility become my focus over my relationship with God I decided to lay off a little. Lay off is an understatement of what I have actually done. I quit all together! I drink nothing, NOTHING, but coke and I have to have at least one candy bar a night! This is ridiculous!!! In case you did not know caffeine is a big no no for someone trying to become pregnant. But it seems the more I try not to take in so much caffeine the more I do! I know how crazy this sounds but I seriously get the shakes, headaches, and nauseous if I don't have my caffeine! Any tips are welcome and any recommendations of local coca cola rehab centers are welcome too Lol!
So I still have not heard from the acupuncture office yet so we have decided to put off all appointments until the new year. We want to enjoy our holiday and not have to worry about making an appointment or even getting some results that may get us down. Not making it to these appointments are frustrating but it made sense to us to just wait til the new year. In reality if we did receive some devastating news I would spend my entire Christmas and New Years upset and depressed.
Me and the hubby decorated outside for Christmas over the past couple of days! Little late I know but better late than never I guess! :) We had so much fun coming up with ideas of where to put what lights and I have to say I'm pretty proud of all our hard work! But I couldn't help but catch myself from time to time thinking about how much more fun it would be with a little one. Seeing his/her little eyes light up when we cut all the lights on ( along with our musical lights :) that right our house plays music lol) Decorating the tree and making homemade personalized ornaments!!Taking pictures of the whole Christmas decorating event!! Sigh :( Even though I'm a little sad that we don't get to experience these things THIS YEAR, I'm thankful that I have my wonderful husband to experience the holiday season with! He truly is the most wonderful husband on earth!
I try to always stay positive. Things really could be worse for us. And I try to always remember that. So I'm gonna spend my holiday season thanking God for our many blessings. If you are going through any time of trial during this holiday season I wish you peace and understanding from our Savior. For those of you out there dealing with infertility through Christmas time I'm praying for you!! Smile and don't let infertility ruin your time of joy as hard as that may be!
Numbers 6:24-26"The LORD bless you and keep you;the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."
Deuteronomy 7:12-15
If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the LORD your God will keep his covenant of love with you, as he swore to your forefathers. He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land—your grain, new wine and oil—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks in the land that he swore to your forefathers to give you. You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless, nor any of your livestock without young. The LORD will keep you free from every disease.
So I still have not heard from the acupuncture office yet so we have decided to put off all appointments until the new year. We want to enjoy our holiday and not have to worry about making an appointment or even getting some results that may get us down. Not making it to these appointments are frustrating but it made sense to us to just wait til the new year. In reality if we did receive some devastating news I would spend my entire Christmas and New Years upset and depressed.
Me and the hubby decorated outside for Christmas over the past couple of days! Little late I know but better late than never I guess! :) We had so much fun coming up with ideas of where to put what lights and I have to say I'm pretty proud of all our hard work! But I couldn't help but catch myself from time to time thinking about how much more fun it would be with a little one. Seeing his/her little eyes light up when we cut all the lights on ( along with our musical lights :) that right our house plays music lol) Decorating the tree and making homemade personalized ornaments!!Taking pictures of the whole Christmas decorating event!! Sigh :( Even though I'm a little sad that we don't get to experience these things THIS YEAR, I'm thankful that I have my wonderful husband to experience the holiday season with! He truly is the most wonderful husband on earth!
I try to always stay positive. Things really could be worse for us. And I try to always remember that. So I'm gonna spend my holiday season thanking God for our many blessings. If you are going through any time of trial during this holiday season I wish you peace and understanding from our Savior. For those of you out there dealing with infertility through Christmas time I'm praying for you!! Smile and don't let infertility ruin your time of joy as hard as that may be!
Numbers 6:24-26"The LORD bless you and keep you;the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace."
Deuteronomy 7:12-15
If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the LORD your God will keep his covenant of love with you, as he swore to your forefathers. He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land—your grain, new wine and oil—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks in the land that he swore to your forefathers to give you. You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless, nor any of your livestock without young. The LORD will keep you free from every disease.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Just for laughs :)
This poem came from 999 reasons to laugh at infertilitys blog! I really enjoyed it! lol
‘Twas the night before your period and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even your spouse.
The tampons were waiting in the bathroom with care,
in hopes that Aunt Flow would soon NOT be there.
Your future children were nestled, like dreams in your head,
while visions of cramps start to come before bed.
You’re sure you are pregnant, your breasts are so ripe,
you examine that toilet paper each time you wipe.
But you just might be pregnant, you have all the signs,
so why does this test never show those two lines?
And you cry on the floor until you are ill,
tomorrow you’ll refuse your prenatal pill.
“Come nausea, sore breasts, and frequent urination!”
“On weight gain, fatigue and then to lactation!”
We are getting impatient, our clocks start to tick,
but each month all we do is pee on that stick.
We know more about ovulation than our family doc,
so please fill our womb before our friends newborns can talk!
We thank all of our relatives for those sympathy hugs,
but we’ve spent our whole salary on fertility drugs.
Our spouse has more sex than his full teenage years,
but this time he’s not bragging to all of his peers.
So before our next cycle, lead us the fertile way,
Happy baby-making to all and keep periods at bay!
‘Twas the night before your period and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring, not even your spouse.
The tampons were waiting in the bathroom with care,
in hopes that Aunt Flow would soon NOT be there.
Your future children were nestled, like dreams in your head,
while visions of cramps start to come before bed.
You’re sure you are pregnant, your breasts are so ripe,
you examine that toilet paper each time you wipe.
But you just might be pregnant, you have all the signs,
so why does this test never show those two lines?
And you cry on the floor until you are ill,
tomorrow you’ll refuse your prenatal pill.
“Come nausea, sore breasts, and frequent urination!”
“On weight gain, fatigue and then to lactation!”
We are getting impatient, our clocks start to tick,
but each month all we do is pee on that stick.
We know more about ovulation than our family doc,
so please fill our womb before our friends newborns can talk!
We thank all of our relatives for those sympathy hugs,
but we’ve spent our whole salary on fertility drugs.
Our spouse has more sex than his full teenage years,
but this time he’s not bragging to all of his peers.
So before our next cycle, lead us the fertile way,
Happy baby-making to all and keep periods at bay!
Sunday, December 18, 2011
An Infertil Christmas
So I can't speak for everyone dealing with infertility, but for me Christmas is one of the hardest holidays. Now don't get me wrong it's not that I don't enjoy the holidays and spend the holiday season depressed and sad. But there are those moments that sink in that I'm not going to stand in a ridiculously long line just to get a picture of my child with a very badly dressed Santa, I don't get to Christmas shop for tons of toys to fill under the tree for my child, I don't get to hear the pitter patter of little feet running to our room to wake us up and let us know Santa has come, I don't get to see a little mini me or mini hubby running to the tree on Christmas morning. And to be honest these things do make me sad. This year we are given the privilege to share alot of our Christmas with our OH SO AWESOME little nephew, but he is our nephew and my heart aches for the way it would be with a child of our own. But I'm going to be thankful for the fact that we will be sharing some of these moments with our nephew! He is what gets me through most of my down days. His little smile and his love for me and my husband melts my heart!
But above all of this the most important thing this holiday season is to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior!! Its not about Santa, the tree, the gifts, or even the pitter patter of little feet. Its about the awesome gift we all were givin by our God! The gift of His son sent here to live a life without sin and to take on all of our ugly sins so that we may have eternal life! The best gift we can EVER receive!! Without Him we were all doomed to a life of darkness that resulted in an eternal life of a torturous burning pit of fire! But instead all you have to do is truly repent of your sins and turn away from the ways of the world, ask our Savior into your heart, to guide you down the right paths in this life, and to really believe that He came, He died (for our sins), and He rose from the dead! Simple right? That's the wonderful things about being saved! Its not some hard process that you have to fill out an application and get accepted! The gift is YOURS as long as you will receive it. Now I don't mean simple as in you can so okay Ill do this and I'm saved so I can go on living like I have been. It is a serious thing! And if you are truly asking God into your heart you will feel a miraculous change in your life! You wont want to do the things you once did and when you slip (which we all do at times) you will feel a guilt on your heart!! Thats when its time to fall to those knees and ask for forgiveness. I don't like when I slip by doing, saying, or acting in a way that I shouldn't, but I love that feeling of guilt! It means that the Lord is telling me directly that Im slipping up, It is such a real presence of God in my life. It is a moment where I feel Him right there with me. Now please don't take that out of context. I don't mean that I want to, or like to run around and do something wrong just so I can feel that presence, I'm just stating what a wonderful miraculous feeling it is to feel the hand of God actively in my life guiding me in the right direction, correcting me when I'm wrong! Our Savior is amazing and just waiting on you to reach out to Him!!
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life John 3:16
"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. - John 14:6
I hope that each and everyone of you have a safe and Happy Holiday!!!!
"And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS:
for he shall save his people from their sins."
Matthew 1:21
My verse of hope for the day-
Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. - Psalm 37:4
But above all of this the most important thing this holiday season is to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior!! Its not about Santa, the tree, the gifts, or even the pitter patter of little feet. Its about the awesome gift we all were givin by our God! The gift of His son sent here to live a life without sin and to take on all of our ugly sins so that we may have eternal life! The best gift we can EVER receive!! Without Him we were all doomed to a life of darkness that resulted in an eternal life of a torturous burning pit of fire! But instead all you have to do is truly repent of your sins and turn away from the ways of the world, ask our Savior into your heart, to guide you down the right paths in this life, and to really believe that He came, He died (for our sins), and He rose from the dead! Simple right? That's the wonderful things about being saved! Its not some hard process that you have to fill out an application and get accepted! The gift is YOURS as long as you will receive it. Now I don't mean simple as in you can so okay Ill do this and I'm saved so I can go on living like I have been. It is a serious thing! And if you are truly asking God into your heart you will feel a miraculous change in your life! You wont want to do the things you once did and when you slip (which we all do at times) you will feel a guilt on your heart!! Thats when its time to fall to those knees and ask for forgiveness. I don't like when I slip by doing, saying, or acting in a way that I shouldn't, but I love that feeling of guilt! It means that the Lord is telling me directly that Im slipping up, It is such a real presence of God in my life. It is a moment where I feel Him right there with me. Now please don't take that out of context. I don't mean that I want to, or like to run around and do something wrong just so I can feel that presence, I'm just stating what a wonderful miraculous feeling it is to feel the hand of God actively in my life guiding me in the right direction, correcting me when I'm wrong! Our Savior is amazing and just waiting on you to reach out to Him!!
For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life John 3:16
"I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. - John 14:6
I hope that each and everyone of you have a safe and Happy Holiday!!!!
"And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call his name JESUS:
for he shall save his people from their sins."
Matthew 1:21
My verse of hope for the day-
Delight thyself also in the LORD: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart. - Psalm 37:4
Thursday, December 15, 2011
More ovulation confusion!
So I'm back to taking my ovulation test! But this month I opted for the test strips, not the fancy digital yes or no. And I'm confused! Lol! Ill look at one and then the other.... walk away for a few... come back and look again. Is this line darker then yesterdays??? That's the question I have asked myself all day. Then when the hubby gets home I ask him. His response.. "they all look the same". Which does not help! :) The life of an infertil!! Sometimes it seems like our BIGGEST worry is are we ovulating!!So I'm not sure exactly but lets pray we hit our "window" at just the right time!
In the beginning I was on top of all these things. Eating a special diet, taking prenatals, taking ovulation test, ect. I decided a few months back to stop "trying so hard" ( I hate that expression). So I have slacked off ALOT!! Taking in way to much caffeine and not taking any prenatals. So Ive decided to jump back in! I'm going to lay off the caffeine (as much as I can!!) and start back on my prenatals. I had this weird superstition that if I take prenatals I'm jinxing myself! Crazy I know! But after many months of not taking them and still not becoming pregnant all of my silly superstitions are proved wrong!
Sometimes I think "How is it so easy for some to get pregnant and not others?" I know that some couples are given a specific reason for there infertility, but what about those that are labeled "unknown infertility" With all of the technology today you would think that they could find the cause and find a cure! The logical part of me realizes that if it were that simple doctors would have found this cure by now, but the whiny baby side of me want to pout in the corner while profusely yelling "not fair" Lol.
I find myself getting sucked into my "baby obsession" again. Telling myself "It wouldn't hurt to go ahead and paint the room" giving myself every reason of why it makes sense! But the truth is it would only remind me that the room was empty because once I paint it, it would gain the label BABY'S ROOM! And knowing how I am I wouldn't stop there. Before you know it I would have two whole bedroom sets bought. One for a boy and one for a girl. I have become so obsessed that Ive actually told myself that if I don't buy it now they wont make that set I just have to have by the time I finally have a baby! Which is crazy! I have to stop and level head myself at times! Taking note that if I'm reasoning with myself on why something does not sound crazy, it in fact probably does! I mean what would I tell people if they came in my house and I had a full nursery set up? Sadly these are things women dealing with infertility go through. I thought the other day " what if I buy a pack of diapers every week until we get pregnant or adopt a baby" I would have enough diapers to last me until the kid was potty trained! This was a genius idea to me! But then I thought "where would I put them all and how would I explain why I have diapers coming out my ears??" LOL!
I have my nephew tonight and realized we were out of diapers and I literally got excited that I would have to run out to the store to buy some! (we ended up finding a couple in his drawer so I didn't get to go) But most moms don't get excited about having to run out at night to go and get diapers! That's appreciating the little things! Appreciating that you have a reason to have to get out even if it is an inconvenience! Remember there is always someone out there wishing they had a reason to run out for diapers!
Anyway! I'm still waiting to hear about my acupuncture appointment. I'm skeptical and nervous. I'm not big on needles. AT ALL! But when it comes to baby I'll try just about anything! I'm curious as to where she will be sticking these needles and if it will hurt or not but like I said I'll do just about anything. So if I go Monday I'll let you know all about it!
Stand still and consider the wondrous works of God.
Job 37:14
Be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead!
I Peter 1:6
I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 43:4
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go, I will counsel you and watch over you.
Psalm 32:8
In the beginning I was on top of all these things. Eating a special diet, taking prenatals, taking ovulation test, ect. I decided a few months back to stop "trying so hard" ( I hate that expression). So I have slacked off ALOT!! Taking in way to much caffeine and not taking any prenatals. So Ive decided to jump back in! I'm going to lay off the caffeine (as much as I can!!) and start back on my prenatals. I had this weird superstition that if I take prenatals I'm jinxing myself! Crazy I know! But after many months of not taking them and still not becoming pregnant all of my silly superstitions are proved wrong!
Sometimes I think "How is it so easy for some to get pregnant and not others?" I know that some couples are given a specific reason for there infertility, but what about those that are labeled "unknown infertility" With all of the technology today you would think that they could find the cause and find a cure! The logical part of me realizes that if it were that simple doctors would have found this cure by now, but the whiny baby side of me want to pout in the corner while profusely yelling "not fair" Lol.
I find myself getting sucked into my "baby obsession" again. Telling myself "It wouldn't hurt to go ahead and paint the room" giving myself every reason of why it makes sense! But the truth is it would only remind me that the room was empty because once I paint it, it would gain the label BABY'S ROOM! And knowing how I am I wouldn't stop there. Before you know it I would have two whole bedroom sets bought. One for a boy and one for a girl. I have become so obsessed that Ive actually told myself that if I don't buy it now they wont make that set I just have to have by the time I finally have a baby! Which is crazy! I have to stop and level head myself at times! Taking note that if I'm reasoning with myself on why something does not sound crazy, it in fact probably does! I mean what would I tell people if they came in my house and I had a full nursery set up? Sadly these are things women dealing with infertility go through. I thought the other day " what if I buy a pack of diapers every week until we get pregnant or adopt a baby" I would have enough diapers to last me until the kid was potty trained! This was a genius idea to me! But then I thought "where would I put them all and how would I explain why I have diapers coming out my ears??" LOL!
I have my nephew tonight and realized we were out of diapers and I literally got excited that I would have to run out to the store to buy some! (we ended up finding a couple in his drawer so I didn't get to go) But most moms don't get excited about having to run out at night to go and get diapers! That's appreciating the little things! Appreciating that you have a reason to have to get out even if it is an inconvenience! Remember there is always someone out there wishing they had a reason to run out for diapers!
Anyway! I'm still waiting to hear about my acupuncture appointment. I'm skeptical and nervous. I'm not big on needles. AT ALL! But when it comes to baby I'll try just about anything! I'm curious as to where she will be sticking these needles and if it will hurt or not but like I said I'll do just about anything. So if I go Monday I'll let you know all about it!
Stand still and consider the wondrous works of God.
Job 37:14
Be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead!
I Peter 1:6
I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.
Psalm 43:4
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go, I will counsel you and watch over you.
Psalm 32:8
A better day!
Today was much better then yesterday! Praise the Lord! Jealousy has subsided! (for now lol) I received some encouraging words from some oh so awesome girls! And got to spill to my own human diary that seems to always have just the right words!! :) I also called about my acupuncture appointment and am waiting to hear back from them! The hubby and I had some in depth convo! And are going to try with everything we have to make it to the doctor Monday! Please pray that work schedules and all obstacles are pushed out of our way so that we make this appointment!
I went grocery shopping today with every intent on cooking a wonderful meal when I got home. Half way through my back started hurting, I was getting tired, and getting home to unload all the groceries AND COOK! was not looking all that fun to me. I don't know if your like me, but every time I grocery shop I end up picking up drive thru on the way home! It made me think, okay I'm putting in all this grocery shopping and giving up half way through and giving in to the easy way out by running through a drive thru and getting something quick and easy. It would be so nice if infertility worked this way! If I could say "okay I'm tired! Where is my quick and easy way to pregnancy?" Wheres my little red easy button?? Which brings me to my wonderful Savior. What if He gave up? What if He put all the work in proving Himself through miracles and touching lives but when it came time to give His life for us He said nah I'm tired I think Ill take the easy way out and give up? Well we wouldn't have the option of eternal life. We wouldn't have all of our sins washed away. And we wouldn't have our Savior there to catch us when we fall, guiding us to our path. So I wont give up! I wont take the easy way out and say I'm tired of trying. I wont give up! Even if at times I feel like it!
A very wise friend once told me infertility is something that you can not escape. And there really is no better way to describe it. You can start a hobby and stop if you don't like it anymore. You can go to collage for one thing and change you major half way through. You can even date someone you think you want to marry and have a change of heart throughout the relationship. But you can not escape infertility. Its there EVERYDAY! You can say you don't want to think about it, but you do. You can say you want to stop trying, but you cant. But recently I have realized I never want to fully escape it! Crazy right? If I were to find out I were pregnant today I would have a different type of joy then if I had never dealt with infertility. Now my heart would weep for those Ive become close to and even those I do not know dealing with infertility. Of course I would be happy that we were pregnant but there still would be that sadness I would feel. I never want to forget the struggle. Even if we achieve pregnancy I still want to reach out to those dealing with infertility with support and any advice that I could offer. Sharing with them the love of God through there struggle. He is the only one that is carrying us through our struggle. I don't know why God has placed infertility in our lives, but I do know that there is a reason. Its my job to figure out why and show His glory through our experience.
This blog has kind of turned into a ramble! Sorry if I sound crazy at times lol but I don't write before I get on here of even plan out what I'm going to say! I just get on and gush out everything I'm feeling! Lol!
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 1Corinthians 10:31
I went grocery shopping today with every intent on cooking a wonderful meal when I got home. Half way through my back started hurting, I was getting tired, and getting home to unload all the groceries AND COOK! was not looking all that fun to me. I don't know if your like me, but every time I grocery shop I end up picking up drive thru on the way home! It made me think, okay I'm putting in all this grocery shopping and giving up half way through and giving in to the easy way out by running through a drive thru and getting something quick and easy. It would be so nice if infertility worked this way! If I could say "okay I'm tired! Where is my quick and easy way to pregnancy?" Wheres my little red easy button?? Which brings me to my wonderful Savior. What if He gave up? What if He put all the work in proving Himself through miracles and touching lives but when it came time to give His life for us He said nah I'm tired I think Ill take the easy way out and give up? Well we wouldn't have the option of eternal life. We wouldn't have all of our sins washed away. And we wouldn't have our Savior there to catch us when we fall, guiding us to our path. So I wont give up! I wont take the easy way out and say I'm tired of trying. I wont give up! Even if at times I feel like it!
A very wise friend once told me infertility is something that you can not escape. And there really is no better way to describe it. You can start a hobby and stop if you don't like it anymore. You can go to collage for one thing and change you major half way through. You can even date someone you think you want to marry and have a change of heart throughout the relationship. But you can not escape infertility. Its there EVERYDAY! You can say you don't want to think about it, but you do. You can say you want to stop trying, but you cant. But recently I have realized I never want to fully escape it! Crazy right? If I were to find out I were pregnant today I would have a different type of joy then if I had never dealt with infertility. Now my heart would weep for those Ive become close to and even those I do not know dealing with infertility. Of course I would be happy that we were pregnant but there still would be that sadness I would feel. I never want to forget the struggle. Even if we achieve pregnancy I still want to reach out to those dealing with infertility with support and any advice that I could offer. Sharing with them the love of God through there struggle. He is the only one that is carrying us through our struggle. I don't know why God has placed infertility in our lives, but I do know that there is a reason. Its my job to figure out why and show His glory through our experience.
This blog has kind of turned into a ramble! Sorry if I sound crazy at times lol but I don't write before I get on here of even plan out what I'm going to say! I just get on and gush out everything I'm feeling! Lol!
So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 1Corinthians 10:31
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Jealousy!
Oh how jealousy has reared its ugly head today! Every person dealing with infertility experiances jealousy. Not particularly geared toward any one individual, but toward the fact that some do not have a hard time getting pregnant when we do. Its nothing personal and does not mean that we are not happy for others when the joyous moment occurs that we want so bad. But how does it affect us when it is closely related? Not just a status update or a new belly bump pic. When its a close family member that we truly want to be with every step of the way. Its hard and its shameful. Dealing with this myself I try so very hard to have the attitude of being as happy for them as I would want them to be for me. Its selfish to be jealous and take away from that persons time of joy because you cant deal. But still we are human and envy always finds its way in. So what did I do? I stayed in my pjs all day, cried on and off while watching americas next top model, and ate as much chocolate as I could stuff in my face. :) Then I gave myself a stern talking to. This person did nothing to me. She did not cause my infertility. And I need to practice the golden rule! Treat others as I want to be treated. If I were the one pregnant I would want everyone to throw a party! Shout with joy even! So Ill suck it up and put on my big girl undies! Share in this time of joy instead of take away from it with my own selfishness. This does not guarentee I will not have more all day pj days ahead but I will remind myself of the golden rule each time. And for those that have not experianced infertility I know that you must think "How can this girl be jealous of someone else who has nothing to do with her situation?" The only thing I can say is, in any situation, you dont know what a person goes through until you have experianced it yourself. Which has taught me to never judge the way a person handles a situation that I have not myself experianced. Its so easy to say how we would handle it if it were us until we actually come face to face with that situation. To give a little insight of the jealousy that triggered my own ugly day is coming to terms with the fact that my family members are going to go through all the fun of pregnancy with someone else, all the while me wishing so bad that it were me. ( I know! That sentence explodes selfishness!!) The heart beats, baby showers, name picking, nursery decorating, and all that comes with pregnancy. All the while trying to wish yourself in that spot. It truly is hard. But Im determined to join in the fun! And not sit back and miss it all just because Im feeling bad for myself. My day WILL come! I hang on to that with all that I am. And who am I to take someones joy that I long for?
So I look forward to the day that I get to see the look on my parents face when we get to tell them they are going to have another grandchild. I look forward to the day to see the look on my husbands face the first time we hear the heart beat ( or see the picture in the case of adoption) for the first time. I look forward to the day that we get to watch our child running down the isle for childrens church. I look forward to the day that I get to experiance VBS with my child. There first day on the bus! One thing I know for sure! I will soak in every single moment of parenthood when we finally achieve it! Appreciating every little moment!!
I feel ashamed for letting jealousy take me over at times! I wish it were a trait I could delete from my data base! But I am human! So the only thing I can do is ask my Savior to forgive me for giving in to jealousy and to turn me away from it when im not strong enough to turn myself. My ONLY strength comes for God and God alone! Without Him I would never survive through this.
For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice James 3:16
My verse of hope for today! He is my escape and will not give me anything Im not able to endure! :)
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
So I look forward to the day that I get to see the look on my parents face when we get to tell them they are going to have another grandchild. I look forward to the day to see the look on my husbands face the first time we hear the heart beat ( or see the picture in the case of adoption) for the first time. I look forward to the day that we get to watch our child running down the isle for childrens church. I look forward to the day that I get to experiance VBS with my child. There first day on the bus! One thing I know for sure! I will soak in every single moment of parenthood when we finally achieve it! Appreciating every little moment!!
I feel ashamed for letting jealousy take me over at times! I wish it were a trait I could delete from my data base! But I am human! So the only thing I can do is ask my Savior to forgive me for giving in to jealousy and to turn me away from it when im not strong enough to turn myself. My ONLY strength comes for God and God alone! Without Him I would never survive through this.
For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice James 3:16
My verse of hope for today! He is my escape and will not give me anything Im not able to endure! :)
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13
Monday, December 12, 2011
I dream of baby!
So my blog today is inspired by the famous tv land show I dream of Jeannie! Wouldnt it be nice if we could rub a little lamp and a magic genie would pop out granting us any three wishes we want? Most dealing with infertility would tell that genie "I only have one wish! You can keep the other two!" Lol! Our wish would be to become pregnant of course! But the way I see it, We do have a lamp in the form of a bible and we do have a genie except he is the highest of high! No magic required! Our wonderous Savior!! So instead of searching for that lamp just search the pages of the word of God! And instead of wishing get on those knees and start praying! Our Savior yearns for a realtionship with us more than we can ever think we yearn for the baby we are dreaming of. I had a conversation with a friend of mine the other day. I told her that this experiance has brought me closer to God then ever and that I never want to forget this experiance. We all are guilty of praying more or having a closer relationship with the Lord in our time of need, but I never want my relationship with Him to soften. Instead I want it to grow and become stronger. Even if I do achieve parenthood I dont want to lose the slightess connection I have with Him! And if the Lord knows that my relationship with Him will fade if I become pregnant I ask that he does not give me pregnancy! My relationship with Him is way more important than becoming pregnant! I know some of you might be like WHAT this girl has lost it! But I mean that from the bottom of my heart! Nothing on this earth is more important than our relationship with Christ and where we spend eternity! I try to make sure and not ask Him for things selfishly. I only want the things that occur in my life on this earth to show His glory. I learned from a dear friend to stop and evaluate each question I ask of God before I ask and make sure Im not asking for my own selfish reasons and that Im asking as the result to glorify Him! This has been an eye opener for me! And I now intend to use this process of thinking in all areas of my life! A great example would be somthing like praying to win the lottery or win a contest. Are you praying for this to gain personal triumph? Or are you praying for this to show the triumphs of the Lord? To show His glory through you? If your answer is not the latter then its a great possibility that you shouldnt be praying for this. Which brings me to praying for pregnancy. Am I selfishly asking God to give me something that pleases me or pleases Him? One things for sure! Im learning alot through this process spiritually and I hope that all of you reading are too!
I want to take a beat the say how thankful I am that God has placed a special friend in my life that gives great advice, listens when I need it most, and radiates Gods love! Praise the Lord for our special friends!
I want to share a touching video with you guys! It reminds me that things can be worse and that even through a time of tragedy this amazing couple did not lose faith! They went through a leg shaking, knee taking, lots of praying, but completely NOT faith breaking experiance and was blessed in the end!! In this situation most would blame God and turn from Him but not this family! I hope there story touches you as much as it has me!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3eri6pgKgQ&feature=related
I want to take a beat the say how thankful I am that God has placed a special friend in my life that gives great advice, listens when I need it most, and radiates Gods love! Praise the Lord for our special friends!
I want to share a touching video with you guys! It reminds me that things can be worse and that even through a time of tragedy this amazing couple did not lose faith! They went through a leg shaking, knee taking, lots of praying, but completely NOT faith breaking experiance and was blessed in the end!! In this situation most would blame God and turn from Him but not this family! I hope there story touches you as much as it has me!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3eri6pgKgQ&feature=related
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Unexpected Blessings!
So as you all know I am open to trying just about anything to become pregnant. Recently we have recieved a blessing from a family member on the hubbys side! The opportunity to see an acupuncture specialist. Im a little skeptical and nervous but also excited. The research ive done shows positive results not just in fertility but in other areas as well. We will see! This is such a blessing! The expense is covered! Which is wonderful as we do not have insurance and are paying for all of our fertility expenses out of pocket!
This blog is also a blessing. It has reached more people than I ever thought! I feel like we have others out there taking the time to read our story and rooting us on! Its so encouraging and humbles me greatly! The pure fact that there are others out there that care! I also love the fact that others out there dealing with infertility can read our story and know that they are not alone! :) And even those that are not dealing with infertility following our blog warms my heart! The genuine concern of others touch our hearts tremendously! But most of all Im thankful that we can share the word of God through this blog.
The hubby and I had a conversation tonight about how important our faith is through this time of struggle. We talked about how easy it is for people dealing with this to place blame on God instead of thinking that this is his plan and is better than we can imagine. God does not do anything evil. His intent is not to harm us. God is good ALL THE TIME!
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow James 1:17
Though at times it is hard for me to see where any good can come from me dealing with infertility I have faith that the Lord has better plans. That just proves that I am human and that my mind is not capable of understanding the wonderful plan God has for my life! It excites me to think of the unveiling of his plan! I know that Im gonna stand in awe of how amazing it is going to be!
At the market Saturday I ran into three different people who follow my blog and had such touching words for me! Im amazed at loving hearts out there! And each experiance was so different! I talked to one who is dealing with a similar situation as mine. Im happy that she can read my blog and know that she is not alone! She has such a sweet heart and I know that the Lord has great plans for her! I talked to another that is a wonderful mother with the most beautiful children who told me that she follows our blog and I could tell the genuine care she has for us and our journey and it touches my heart! The other was one of our family members who came offering this wonderful opportunity for me to try out this acupuncture! She is awesome! She took the time out of her own busy life and thought about us! Reaching out to us with a loving helping hand! We are so thankful for all of you who follow our journey! Keep us in your prayers!
During our conversation today I told the hubby that I never imagined our blog reaching people. Touching hearts. I thought of it as a personal diary to vent and track my infertility never thinking it would touch lives, encourage others, and spread the word of God! But maybe, just maybe this is all part of Gods wonderful plan. :)
Nahum 1:7 The LORD is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him.
”A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
This last verse is one that helps me out so much! It gives me understanding in my battle with infertility! How wonderful is it that it flat out tells you straight from the bible that God already knows our desires! So on those days that I feel like screaming God do you hear me begging you for a child? I can refer to this verse and remind myself YES Ashley he knows! He has always known! But the next part of the verse is so important! Commit your way to the Lord! What do we get from the word commit? To give yourself completely! To be all in! So I get from this that my main focus should be on the Lord, not getting pregnant or anything else for that matter. Serving him and spreading His word comes first! That is my job as His daughter! Next it says to trust in Him. And I know we often say "Oh I trust God" nonchalantly but do we dig down deep and mean it? That is something I have learned through this! Im not just talking the talk anymore! Im now walking the walk! Praise the Lord! I truly completely TRUST that God has a plan for me! And then it says He shall bring it to pass!!!! Amen! I get from this that I will eventually be on the other side of infertility be it through the birth of a child, adoption, or just being at peace of not being a parent at all. So now I will do what the rest of the verse says. I will rest in the Lord and wait patiently on Him!!
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” Psalm 37: 4,7
This blog is also a blessing. It has reached more people than I ever thought! I feel like we have others out there taking the time to read our story and rooting us on! Its so encouraging and humbles me greatly! The pure fact that there are others out there that care! I also love the fact that others out there dealing with infertility can read our story and know that they are not alone! :) And even those that are not dealing with infertility following our blog warms my heart! The genuine concern of others touch our hearts tremendously! But most of all Im thankful that we can share the word of God through this blog.
The hubby and I had a conversation tonight about how important our faith is through this time of struggle. We talked about how easy it is for people dealing with this to place blame on God instead of thinking that this is his plan and is better than we can imagine. God does not do anything evil. His intent is not to harm us. God is good ALL THE TIME!
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow James 1:17
Though at times it is hard for me to see where any good can come from me dealing with infertility I have faith that the Lord has better plans. That just proves that I am human and that my mind is not capable of understanding the wonderful plan God has for my life! It excites me to think of the unveiling of his plan! I know that Im gonna stand in awe of how amazing it is going to be!
At the market Saturday I ran into three different people who follow my blog and had such touching words for me! Im amazed at loving hearts out there! And each experiance was so different! I talked to one who is dealing with a similar situation as mine. Im happy that she can read my blog and know that she is not alone! She has such a sweet heart and I know that the Lord has great plans for her! I talked to another that is a wonderful mother with the most beautiful children who told me that she follows our blog and I could tell the genuine care she has for us and our journey and it touches my heart! The other was one of our family members who came offering this wonderful opportunity for me to try out this acupuncture! She is awesome! She took the time out of her own busy life and thought about us! Reaching out to us with a loving helping hand! We are so thankful for all of you who follow our journey! Keep us in your prayers!
During our conversation today I told the hubby that I never imagined our blog reaching people. Touching hearts. I thought of it as a personal diary to vent and track my infertility never thinking it would touch lives, encourage others, and spread the word of God! But maybe, just maybe this is all part of Gods wonderful plan. :)
Nahum 1:7 The LORD is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble; and he knoweth them that trust in him.
”A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
This last verse is one that helps me out so much! It gives me understanding in my battle with infertility! How wonderful is it that it flat out tells you straight from the bible that God already knows our desires! So on those days that I feel like screaming God do you hear me begging you for a child? I can refer to this verse and remind myself YES Ashley he knows! He has always known! But the next part of the verse is so important! Commit your way to the Lord! What do we get from the word commit? To give yourself completely! To be all in! So I get from this that my main focus should be on the Lord, not getting pregnant or anything else for that matter. Serving him and spreading His word comes first! That is my job as His daughter! Next it says to trust in Him. And I know we often say "Oh I trust God" nonchalantly but do we dig down deep and mean it? That is something I have learned through this! Im not just talking the talk anymore! Im now walking the walk! Praise the Lord! I truly completely TRUST that God has a plan for me! And then it says He shall bring it to pass!!!! Amen! I get from this that I will eventually be on the other side of infertility be it through the birth of a child, adoption, or just being at peace of not being a parent at all. So now I will do what the rest of the verse says. I will rest in the Lord and wait patiently on Him!!
“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” Psalm 37: 4,7
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The emotional rollar coaster!
Lately I have found myself on a rollar coaster of emotions! Up one minute and down the next! I find myself sobbing! Like ugly cry face sobbing! But its only when Im in the car... Weird I know. I guess it is because it is a time that I am alone with myself and dont have to worry about a visitor or the hubby popping in. Its just a place that I can really let it go!! After, I actually feel better, kinna like I have released something I have been holding in for so long. So if you see my car coming down the road, watch out! My eyes may be blurred with tears! Lol! And you might just catch a glimps of my ugly cry face! Hahaha! But the thing is I can't pin point where this devastating crying is coming from! I mean I know its all about the infertility and the longing for a baby. But there has to be a specific thing that I am holding on to and not giving to the Lord to be crying like this! I just cant figure out what exactly it is. Now dont get me wrong! Im not writing this as a pity party call! I dont want anyone to think that I am writing this to get comments of " Oh you poor thing you"! I mainly write these to give you some insight as to what the infertil wanna be mother goes through daily but also to share my faith through my sorrow! It is very important that this blog comes across, to everyone who reads it, that my main focus is to give glory to God through it all. Not to bring attention to myself. He is in fact the giver of life and the plan maker! You are witnessing God working directly in my life each time you read my blog. ( even if the end result is not us becoming parents)
I have some personal things going on in my life that makes wanting to become a mother so much harder. I know that this is contributing to my rollar coaster of emotions. I am deep in prayer over this matter and hopelessly looking to the Lord to take care of this for me!
I know in my past blogs I have talked about several different options that myself and the hubby have talked about. Things we are deciding if we are open to or not. Well I have made a definate decision on one matter. Fostering. After much prayer and much thought on the matter, this is just something I can not do. Even if it bumps us up on adoption list and such. I can not take a child into this home with the risk of the parent getting them back. I know that that is the whole purpose of fostering. To take care of a child while a parent tries to get it together so they can get them back. It would literally break me as a human being to raise a child in our home and then have him/her taken from us. I just cant do that. The people who can, I praise God for you! You are truly selfless individuals with a heart so large and full of love it is amazing! God will bless you ten fold!!!!!!!!!! As much as I would love to say I am one of those people I can not lie and say that I am. I KNOW that this would cause depression in myself and could affect my marriage! So out of the stacks of decisions we are going to have to make here in one that is made! It feels nice to have a plan to really think about each option and make honest decisions about each before jumping in! It eases my worries that we may make a rash decision out of the pure longing of parenthood.
This blog is all over the place! Lol! Kinna like my emotions! I never thought I would be 26 years old sitting awake at 2 in the am writing a blog about my longing for a child and my ever growing relationship with the Lord. I remember the simpler days when I was 15 and my biggest worry was the Thursday night track meet. Talking with friends about oneday when I have kids im gonna name them Maddison and Mason. Oh I had it all planned out! Never thinking when I grow up im gonna cry my eyes out longing for A child! Lucky if I get one of the two. Ha! Like not only did I have the decision making over if I had a child and how many I would have, But I also had the ability to choose that I have a boy and a girl! LOL Boy was I wrong! But I have to remind myself even back then my Heavenly Father had a special plan for me! He probably laughed a little saying to himself I have a much better plan for her then this Maddison/Mason plan she has! And so I wait for the big reveal of the miraculous plan my Savior has for me and pray all the while that he takes hold of these emotions that I myself have no ability of controlling.
I know yall probably think this girl is starting to go a little coo-coo! But bear with me! You will all take part in the big reveal of Gods plan along with me! I will make sure and keep this blog going until his plan prevails!
"And those who have knowledge of Your Name will put their faith in You; because you, Lord, have ever given Your help to those who were waiting for you." Psalms 9:10
"I am waiting for the Lord, my soul is waiting for Him, and my hope is in His Word." Psalms 130:5
I have some personal things going on in my life that makes wanting to become a mother so much harder. I know that this is contributing to my rollar coaster of emotions. I am deep in prayer over this matter and hopelessly looking to the Lord to take care of this for me!
I know in my past blogs I have talked about several different options that myself and the hubby have talked about. Things we are deciding if we are open to or not. Well I have made a definate decision on one matter. Fostering. After much prayer and much thought on the matter, this is just something I can not do. Even if it bumps us up on adoption list and such. I can not take a child into this home with the risk of the parent getting them back. I know that that is the whole purpose of fostering. To take care of a child while a parent tries to get it together so they can get them back. It would literally break me as a human being to raise a child in our home and then have him/her taken from us. I just cant do that. The people who can, I praise God for you! You are truly selfless individuals with a heart so large and full of love it is amazing! God will bless you ten fold!!!!!!!!!! As much as I would love to say I am one of those people I can not lie and say that I am. I KNOW that this would cause depression in myself and could affect my marriage! So out of the stacks of decisions we are going to have to make here in one that is made! It feels nice to have a plan to really think about each option and make honest decisions about each before jumping in! It eases my worries that we may make a rash decision out of the pure longing of parenthood.
This blog is all over the place! Lol! Kinna like my emotions! I never thought I would be 26 years old sitting awake at 2 in the am writing a blog about my longing for a child and my ever growing relationship with the Lord. I remember the simpler days when I was 15 and my biggest worry was the Thursday night track meet. Talking with friends about oneday when I have kids im gonna name them Maddison and Mason. Oh I had it all planned out! Never thinking when I grow up im gonna cry my eyes out longing for A child! Lucky if I get one of the two. Ha! Like not only did I have the decision making over if I had a child and how many I would have, But I also had the ability to choose that I have a boy and a girl! LOL Boy was I wrong! But I have to remind myself even back then my Heavenly Father had a special plan for me! He probably laughed a little saying to himself I have a much better plan for her then this Maddison/Mason plan she has! And so I wait for the big reveal of the miraculous plan my Savior has for me and pray all the while that he takes hold of these emotions that I myself have no ability of controlling.
I know yall probably think this girl is starting to go a little coo-coo! But bear with me! You will all take part in the big reveal of Gods plan along with me! I will make sure and keep this blog going until his plan prevails!
"And those who have knowledge of Your Name will put their faith in You; because you, Lord, have ever given Your help to those who were waiting for you." Psalms 9:10
"I am waiting for the Lord, my soul is waiting for Him, and my hope is in His Word." Psalms 130:5
Congrats to some special people!
Before I start off this blog I want to apologize for all of the type-o's and horriable spelling in ALL of my blogs! LOL Its partly due to the fact that I am a little bit lazy when it comes to checking over my blog and also I have so much in this head of mine that when im typing so fast to make sure and get it out before I forget I simply just don't notice if I missed a letter here or there lol! So sorry!
Now I want to congratulate two friends of mine that have struggled with infertility and come out on top!!! Im not going to mention any names! But you both so deserve your precious little piece of heaven so much! I know both of you are going to make wonderful parents! And you also give us other "infertils" hope! God is so good!
Now im feelin a little bloggy over some tv shows! LOL So I watched the show Sister Wives the other night. I do not share in there beliefs but I also do not judge them ( or anyone for there religious beliefs). But on the show the first wife has struggled with infertility since the birth of her first daughter while the other 3 wives have popped out kids one after the other. ( reminds me of a certain woman from the bible i blogged about not so long ago) Well on the last episode the newest wife gives birth and directly after giving birth she calls in the first wife and tells her that after much prayer she is wanting to be a surrogate for her! I cried like a baby! This woman truly showed a love that is not cut out for most. On "her day" while she is still holding her new born son she is thinking of how it is affecting this woman that has become like a sister to her. Feeling empathy for her and crying with her! She is truly showing Gods love! She is also giving this woman a true gift! The ability to be a mother again! It just really touched my heart!
Now I watched another show called One Born Every Minute. On this show there was a couple that has struggled with infertility for 3 years. She has had 2 miscarriages and 1 still born and was now pregnant. I got to watch the fear on there faces in the delivery room. Not like most couples who are excited and happy they were truly scared of what may go wrong. I wonder if that could be us one day. At the end when they finally see there son breathing and crying she sobs! And so did I! I could only imagine the joy and relief she was feeling at that very moment. I wonder if that will be me oneday! Holding my little baby that I have ached for, cried for, PRAYED for! Will I be there sobbing with pure joy as I hold that child that I have wanted for so long? Or will I never get that moment? Not having the answer to that question is what plagues me each and everyday! I pride myself in the ability to stay positive and strong alot of the time. But there are times where I feel completely and totally exhausted of being strong! I just want to fall and cry! And at times I do! But my savior is always there to pick me up and wisper trust.. have faith... be strong my daughter! And so I will obey! But I will continue to long for that moment that I can let out that sob of joy that will let go of every doubt and fear I have held in for almost 2 years now!
Romans 5:3-4 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverence; perseverence, character; and character, hope.”
This verse is what reminds me to give glory to God even through my sufferings!
Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
This reminds me to pray faithfully!
Isaiah 40:30-31 “Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
This reminds me to hold hope in my Savior because he will always hold me up and be my rock!
2 Corinthians 12:8-10 “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me,”My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am week, then I am strong.”
This reminds me that being weak is not a bad thing! It only allows my wonderous God to be strong for me!
Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
And this reminds me that through all of our struggles with infertility or any burden in our life that we can give it to the Lord and He will give us rest!
Now I want to congratulate two friends of mine that have struggled with infertility and come out on top!!! Im not going to mention any names! But you both so deserve your precious little piece of heaven so much! I know both of you are going to make wonderful parents! And you also give us other "infertils" hope! God is so good!
Now im feelin a little bloggy over some tv shows! LOL So I watched the show Sister Wives the other night. I do not share in there beliefs but I also do not judge them ( or anyone for there religious beliefs). But on the show the first wife has struggled with infertility since the birth of her first daughter while the other 3 wives have popped out kids one after the other. ( reminds me of a certain woman from the bible i blogged about not so long ago) Well on the last episode the newest wife gives birth and directly after giving birth she calls in the first wife and tells her that after much prayer she is wanting to be a surrogate for her! I cried like a baby! This woman truly showed a love that is not cut out for most. On "her day" while she is still holding her new born son she is thinking of how it is affecting this woman that has become like a sister to her. Feeling empathy for her and crying with her! She is truly showing Gods love! She is also giving this woman a true gift! The ability to be a mother again! It just really touched my heart!
Now I watched another show called One Born Every Minute. On this show there was a couple that has struggled with infertility for 3 years. She has had 2 miscarriages and 1 still born and was now pregnant. I got to watch the fear on there faces in the delivery room. Not like most couples who are excited and happy they were truly scared of what may go wrong. I wonder if that could be us one day. At the end when they finally see there son breathing and crying she sobs! And so did I! I could only imagine the joy and relief she was feeling at that very moment. I wonder if that will be me oneday! Holding my little baby that I have ached for, cried for, PRAYED for! Will I be there sobbing with pure joy as I hold that child that I have wanted for so long? Or will I never get that moment? Not having the answer to that question is what plagues me each and everyday! I pride myself in the ability to stay positive and strong alot of the time. But there are times where I feel completely and totally exhausted of being strong! I just want to fall and cry! And at times I do! But my savior is always there to pick me up and wisper trust.. have faith... be strong my daughter! And so I will obey! But I will continue to long for that moment that I can let out that sob of joy that will let go of every doubt and fear I have held in for almost 2 years now!
Romans 5:3-4 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverence; perseverence, character; and character, hope.”
This verse is what reminds me to give glory to God even through my sufferings!
Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
This reminds me to pray faithfully!
Isaiah 40:30-31 “Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”
This reminds me to hold hope in my Savior because he will always hold me up and be my rock!
2 Corinthians 12:8-10 “Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me,”My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am week, then I am strong.”
This reminds me that being weak is not a bad thing! It only allows my wonderous God to be strong for me!
Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”
And this reminds me that through all of our struggles with infertility or any burden in our life that we can give it to the Lord and He will give us rest!
Monday, December 5, 2011
When I weep God weeps!
I found myself questioning again. Asking is this my punishment? Have I done so much wrong that I am this undeserving? And here is my answer.
"God himself does not tempt anyone" (James 1:13). Every action of heaven has one aim; that you know God. ( this is from the book A Love Worth Giving)
Which just confims my belief that infertility is not a punishment for my past sins. It is just a way for my Lord and Savior to use me to show His works to the world.
And on the days when I break down and just plain out sob God is right there with me sitting beside me sobbing. How do I know this? "God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times" (2 Cor. 1: 3-4) When we weep God weeps, when we rejoice God rejoices! This is what real love is! And we should also practice this type of love daily. We are to love as Christ loves. He loved us even when people spit in his face and crucified him! Can you say that you would do the same? We are to love as Christ loves. Because we are human we have a hard time showing love as Christ does. But I am taking it as a personal challenge to practice this type of love. When I hear someone is pregnant I will fight the urge of jealousy. I will rejoice with them! And when/if I receive bad news from a fellow "infertil" of a failed attempt I will weep alongside them. I want to live in Gods image and be as much like Him as I can. For those who do not like me, I will love them and pray for them. For those who put me down I will lift them up in prayer. For those who say im undeserving I will pray that they are immersed with blessings. And for the times that I fail I will ask for my Father to raise me up back on sturdy ground. " Isn't it good to know that even when we don't love with the perfect love, He does"? Gods love is so important in my life! It is more important to me then having a baby, more important then even having my breath! He is the most important! When this life is over he is all that matters so as for me on this earth He is all that matters! " And, until love is stirred, let God's love be enough for you." ... " Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you... My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods" (Ps 63:3,5) The purpose for me writing all this is to express that I want to make sure I put nothing before my savior. I don't want to put becoming pregnant before him. I know that the Lord knows the desires of my heart to have a child, but within myself I want to make sure my desire to have a relationship with Him and a love for him comes first. This goes for anything in your life. Your desire for a relationship with Him should become before any other desire.
Now as long as the Lord puts it on my heart to continue to try have a child I will. So are you wondering about our "brown paper bag"? Well... its still empty sitting on the counter! Yes we still have not made it to the doctor. But the hubby and I had a free moment alone the other day (which has been rare recently) and he spotted the bag. At this moment the last thing on my mind was actually sitting down and having a VERY serious conversation, but God had other plans. :) As far as infertility talk the hubby hasnt gone to in depth with it all. He has asked basic need to know information/questions. I think its partly because he still is in a little bit of denial and does not want to accept the fact that we have in fact been trying for almost 2 years. But thats okay, he is entitled to deal with this in his own way and in Gods time. Anyway he mentioned the bag and I told him "Yeah we really need to get to that doctors appointment so we can get some answers and explore some options" he was quiet for a moment and then asked "What if it is me?" Me thinking he wanted to know what they would make him do told him that I wasnt real sure that they would either maybe give him some medication, maybe a small surgery, or some type of crazy procedure they do. Or that they would tell him that its just not an option for him to produce children. That last one is the one he was waiting for. He told me "Well thats not fair to you" which hit me like a ton of bricks! The wonderful love my husband has for me! At a time that is suppose to be about him he is thinking of me and whats fair to me. Im not sure what he was going to say next but I let him know right then and there that if in fact the doctor tells him that it is not possible for him to produce children that that is fine with me! Its not going to make me leave him for some guy that can produce! I told him that if that happens then it just means we explore our other options. Now we have talked a little about adoption but other things we have never spoken of ( and while he was so curious I took the opportunity to educate lol). We talked about sperm donors, adoption, embryo adoption, and even not parenting at all. We talked about each subject in detail.The pros, the cons, and the way it would effect our futures. We made sure and not make a decision on any subject we talked about to allow ourselves some time to soak it in and really think about each option and if its something we could deal with. As for me im a jump without thinking kind of girl when it come to having a child. Because I have ached over it, hearing me and baby in the same sentence its an immediate YES! Thats where God placed a wonderful level headed husband in my life to slow me down and make me think! Lol! I think that all of this is why we have not made it to the doctor with our "brown paper bag". I believe that God knew we needed to have this conversation and make a decision before we get to this appointment. If we were to go to this appointment and were to get an answer that was unexpected without having a decision made on what we are open to and what we are not I would have made a rash decision completely off of my emotions. I would have baby or bust on the brains and nothing else! Its wonderful how Gods plans work out! I know now that we needed this talk before we go in and Im thankful to my Savior for showing me how to stop forcing my plans and to wait on His!
"Patience is the red carpet upon which God's grace approaches us."- Max Lucado
"God himself does not tempt anyone" (James 1:13). Every action of heaven has one aim; that you know God. ( this is from the book A Love Worth Giving)
Which just confims my belief that infertility is not a punishment for my past sins. It is just a way for my Lord and Savior to use me to show His works to the world.
And on the days when I break down and just plain out sob God is right there with me sitting beside me sobbing. How do I know this? "God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times" (2 Cor. 1: 3-4) When we weep God weeps, when we rejoice God rejoices! This is what real love is! And we should also practice this type of love daily. We are to love as Christ loves. He loved us even when people spit in his face and crucified him! Can you say that you would do the same? We are to love as Christ loves. Because we are human we have a hard time showing love as Christ does. But I am taking it as a personal challenge to practice this type of love. When I hear someone is pregnant I will fight the urge of jealousy. I will rejoice with them! And when/if I receive bad news from a fellow "infertil" of a failed attempt I will weep alongside them. I want to live in Gods image and be as much like Him as I can. For those who do not like me, I will love them and pray for them. For those who put me down I will lift them up in prayer. For those who say im undeserving I will pray that they are immersed with blessings. And for the times that I fail I will ask for my Father to raise me up back on sturdy ground. " Isn't it good to know that even when we don't love with the perfect love, He does"? Gods love is so important in my life! It is more important to me then having a baby, more important then even having my breath! He is the most important! When this life is over he is all that matters so as for me on this earth He is all that matters! " And, until love is stirred, let God's love be enough for you." ... " Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you... My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods" (Ps 63:3,5) The purpose for me writing all this is to express that I want to make sure I put nothing before my savior. I don't want to put becoming pregnant before him. I know that the Lord knows the desires of my heart to have a child, but within myself I want to make sure my desire to have a relationship with Him and a love for him comes first. This goes for anything in your life. Your desire for a relationship with Him should become before any other desire.
Now as long as the Lord puts it on my heart to continue to try have a child I will. So are you wondering about our "brown paper bag"? Well... its still empty sitting on the counter! Yes we still have not made it to the doctor. But the hubby and I had a free moment alone the other day (which has been rare recently) and he spotted the bag. At this moment the last thing on my mind was actually sitting down and having a VERY serious conversation, but God had other plans. :) As far as infertility talk the hubby hasnt gone to in depth with it all. He has asked basic need to know information/questions. I think its partly because he still is in a little bit of denial and does not want to accept the fact that we have in fact been trying for almost 2 years. But thats okay, he is entitled to deal with this in his own way and in Gods time. Anyway he mentioned the bag and I told him "Yeah we really need to get to that doctors appointment so we can get some answers and explore some options" he was quiet for a moment and then asked "What if it is me?" Me thinking he wanted to know what they would make him do told him that I wasnt real sure that they would either maybe give him some medication, maybe a small surgery, or some type of crazy procedure they do. Or that they would tell him that its just not an option for him to produce children. That last one is the one he was waiting for. He told me "Well thats not fair to you" which hit me like a ton of bricks! The wonderful love my husband has for me! At a time that is suppose to be about him he is thinking of me and whats fair to me. Im not sure what he was going to say next but I let him know right then and there that if in fact the doctor tells him that it is not possible for him to produce children that that is fine with me! Its not going to make me leave him for some guy that can produce! I told him that if that happens then it just means we explore our other options. Now we have talked a little about adoption but other things we have never spoken of ( and while he was so curious I took the opportunity to educate lol). We talked about sperm donors, adoption, embryo adoption, and even not parenting at all. We talked about each subject in detail.The pros, the cons, and the way it would effect our futures. We made sure and not make a decision on any subject we talked about to allow ourselves some time to soak it in and really think about each option and if its something we could deal with. As for me im a jump without thinking kind of girl when it come to having a child. Because I have ached over it, hearing me and baby in the same sentence its an immediate YES! Thats where God placed a wonderful level headed husband in my life to slow me down and make me think! Lol! I think that all of this is why we have not made it to the doctor with our "brown paper bag". I believe that God knew we needed to have this conversation and make a decision before we get to this appointment. If we were to go to this appointment and were to get an answer that was unexpected without having a decision made on what we are open to and what we are not I would have made a rash decision completely off of my emotions. I would have baby or bust on the brains and nothing else! Its wonderful how Gods plans work out! I know now that we needed this talk before we go in and Im thankful to my Savior for showing me how to stop forcing my plans and to wait on His!
"Patience is the red carpet upon which God's grace approaches us."- Max Lucado
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