Whoever said what you dont know dont hurt you has never been through infertility! So if you follow this blog you know that we have been on a "break" for the summer. When AF arrived in June it was no surprise. And although we were on a "break" it did not mean that we stopped trying so then July came around and I started getting dizzy spells and nausea we started to get excited... really excited! I would get so nauseous I would run to the bathroom giggling at the idea that I just may be having morning sickness! But we still had our guard up not letting ourselves get our hopes too high BUT when AF did not arrive as usual we were in a little bit of shock! I had this feeling of "nah it cant be" then when day 2 passed then day 3 the excitement was bubbling over! Not only did we let our protective walls down but we smashed them down with pleasure and let ourselves be overcome with excitement! Telling ourselves that it has really happened. So on night 3 I took a pregnancy test that came back negative, but we pushed that aside... I mean Im pushing 4 days late and having every early pregnancy symptom there is. So that night we planned for me to get up and make an appointment first thing in the morning. The husband left out early for work before I was up and we were both happier then we have been in a very long time. But when I woke up this happy day we had planned turned to devastation in an instant! I had the worst pains Ive had in my life (as far as AF goes) I had cramps, back cramps, vomiting, (TMI Alert) and heavy bleeding!! I called the hubby who was half way to Texas and I could barely get the words out! I was torn apart that day! I had just thought that I had cried tears over infertility these past two years!! Nothing compared the hurt I felt that day! I called the doctor and explained all the details and this was her answer Option 1- I am having a whacked out abnormal period. But that it is just that- a late abnormal period. Or Option 2- I had what is called a chemical pregnancy (which is where you become pregnant but the blastocyst aka baby does not attach correctly to the uterine wall) 50% of women experience these types of miscarriages and never know it because it occurs so early that it appears to be a period. She then told me there would be no reason to come in unless I started to run fever and continued to throw up. But that there is no way for them to tell if I was in fact pregnant or not. This leaves me at a total loss....
I am feeling much better and all the symptoms of day one of AF have left the building. It drives me crazy that I will never know. The hurt me and the hubby felt over this shook our world. This is the absolute closest we have ever felt to becoming pregnant. And it is the worst hurt I have felt through this entire two years.
I had a full day of crying, screaming, and throwing a fit! It shook me to the core! Satan hit me where it hurt and did his best to shake my faith! But he did not succeed! At the end of the day I am my Fathers child and I still cling to, He has plans for me that I can not even imagine. I know that He will bless us and knows the desires of our hearts. When Satan sees our weak spots he goes straight for them doing his best to try and make us blame God. I know that God does not take pleasure is seeing us hurt and that if we seek Him and put Him first in our lives he will pull us through the struggles we face in this life. Struggles that are all roots of our own sins. We are undeserving, and really do not deserve anything on this earth. But the Lord loves us. He loved us enough to hang on a cross and be tortured, taking on all of our sins! And I think about how bad I hurt that day. How bad I cried until i felt like my stomach had flipped upside down. How sore my eyes were and how much they burned from crying. And all that does not compare to even one ounce of the pain the Lord went through for me, for you, for all of us. Being beaten and spit on with nails drivin through His hands and feet. The agonizing pain while all those He was dying for stood there and yelled crucify Him. But He still loved us enough to stay on that cross and take our sins. He took the sins of the very ones that spit in His face and beat Him. And who are we? If someone says something ugly to us we are unforgiving....
So all in all we had a bad fertility month.. really bad! But in the end no bad month we have can compare to that day that the Lord gave His life for us. So I will rejoice and find good in this month and give God the glory! I thank Him for those 3 full days of pure joy that we had thinking we were pregnant. From the start I have wondered how we would feel and how we would act when we actually do get pregnant and we got to feel that for 3 full days! So thank you Jesus for those happy moments!
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
