And God will always provide a way!

Just when I am feeling defeated, hopeless, and lost God does His mighty work! I had a dear friend contact me through facebook after reading my last blog that felt on her heart to donate a large sum to us towards our appointment. My first reaction is I can never take this! I found out quickly that was not an option in her plan or Gods. I am completely humbled and awestruck at her act of kindness and generosity! How silly of me to doubt Gods goodness and love. To put limits on His plan and the way He uses vessels on this earth to do His mighty works! As tears fall from my face there are no words to describe how THANKFUL I am!

I know we have a little ways to go to get where we need to be to make this appointment but I will surly not doubt Gods plan. He is always there to pick me up an show me the way when I feel all is lost!

To the person who donated this to us! I love you and am forever in debt to your kind heart! May God bless you 10xs over! His light has truly shined brightly through you! I am privilege to witness Gods work first hand through your lovely soul!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!

Matthew 5:16     
In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.

Philippians 2:1-30          

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, ...

Leaning not on my own understanding!

So if you read my last blog you know that we went for our latest HCG shot a couple weeks ago and if it did not work this time we would have to move on to the next treatment. The HSG! Well AF arrived today confirming what I really already knew. So now we are looking to the HSG which is expensive and out of our financial reach. So we went to get our taxes done tonight with hopes that we would get back what we needed for this appointment. Not only are we not getting anything back but we owe almost the exact amount that the procedure cost!!! I was already feeling down and fighting the saddness when we got there! After hearing this I felt a break down coming on! Because the tax place we went to is located in WalMart I did my best to fight off the tears and run for the door as soon as we could get finished up. Now I have no clue how we are going to pay what we owe in taxes much less our appointment.So for now our fertility appointments will be on hold (for quite awhile).

Its hard to decsribe my feelings right now. I dont understand why things happen the way they do. I dont understand why we are having problems having a baby. I dont understand why there is always an obstacle in our way for these appointments. I want to pull my hair out and throw myself on the floor crying! But I wont let myself. I feel actual tension in my body fighting the urge to just let it all out. In a way Im scared to actually let my feeling of despair out. That I may not ever be able to reel them all in if I actually let go. The best word I can think of at this moment to decsribe how I feel is defeated. Ive become really good at not showing how I feel. I run into alot of people who read this blog and tell me how strong I am and how I encourage them and at times I feel bad, that if you all really knew  what I fight within myself at times you wouldnt think Im so strong. And though I dont understand all these things I know that God does. I know that He has a plan and that this is all part of it. That even though we have run into this financial obsticle He has something for me to learn from this! I have faith in that. I know that God lets us go through certain things in our lives that we dont necessarily want to go through but that it is what we need. To understand His love, His power, His plan. When we become selfish and kick and scream and fight His plan because WE dont think it is whats best we will have hardships and consequences. But if we just have faith and follow His guidence He will not let us fail. I am not worthy of His goodness or His love yet He extends it to me if I only have faith and believe.

Though I may be sad and stressed about all of this until His plan prevails I will prayerfully fight those feelings. I will faithfully wait because I KNOW God will hear my cries and that He knows the hurt and desire in my heart. As His child He will answer my call.

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Another Day Another Follicle

So we went for our second fertility appointment today. We did the ultrasound again. This time I had no healthy follicles on my right ovary and a so so size follicle on my left.(which the doctor said is normal, that you usually alternate ovary each cycle) They told us that a follicle needs to measure 1.8 cm to be healthy enough to achieve pregnancy, My follicle was measuring at 1.7cm. So they scheduled for me to come in on Friday to have the HCG shot to boost follicle growth and ovulation. They sent me home with this little ultrasound picture and I have to say I walked out of that office so proud holding my little picture! LOL I told my mom "If we do get pregnant I can tell my child that I prayed for them when he/she was just a little follicle"! LOL

Anyway the doctor told us that if we do not get pregnant this time that our next step will be an HSG and that depending on how that goes she would continue with the follicle scans and put me on a low dose of clomid. At this point I have stopped trying to look ahead and plan. I am just gonna go with the flow and take it one appointment at a time.

At this point we are very hopeful! Almost too hopeful! Which scares me!! So far I have been able to deal (in some sort) with how I react to negative results, but now that the husband is so emotionally invested and I have seen the hurt it causes him it worries my heart! The last thing I want to see is his heart ache like mine has for the past 19 months. Now dont get me wrong Im not saying the hubby didnt care before, I just think before he saw it as things I was coming up with from my massive google searches and now he is actually SEEING and HEARING straight from a doctor and things are getting real for him.

Through all the ups and downs of this roller coaster ride we call infertility one thing has stayed constant and true! And thats Gods love and blessings He has placed upon us! I feel His love through all aspects of our journey! I know that we have had some down days but I can not imagine how those days would be without my savior there to comfort us! When you have a relationship with the Lord, His works in your life become more apparent. Because you are paying attention to Him. Now when I see the smallest prayers answered it is nothing short of a miracle. Jesus does not owe us anything but he gives us His love for FREE! I witnessed one of my small prayers being answered today and it humbled me so much! The thought that God loves me so much that He hears my prayers! We all tend to pray for things (most of the time selfishly) But when those prayers do get answered how often do we stop and say a prayer of thanks to Him? Sometimes we pray for things and often forget about them. Then down the road when that prayer is answered we may give a whoo hoo or something but not stop and give God the glory. I am guilty of this! I TRY to make sure and thank God for His love daily and to consciously take the time to go to Him in thanks when a prayer of mine is answered! Im so thankful for my Savior, for my family, and for all of you guys who care about us and encourage us along our journey.

"Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."
Colossians 3:17

"Always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father;"
Ephesians 5:20

"For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God."
2 Corinthians 4:15

Here we go again...

So as of my last post I left off in not so great of spirits. And to be honest I did have a long while there of being depressed and at a point of wanting to give up! But my wonderful husband would not hear of it. I let my self be sad, upset, and even a little angry. Then I got back out, did a little retail therapy and am now set up for our next round of HCG.  Please be praying for us that it works this time. I try and make sure and pray for Gods will to be done which is very hard when all I want to pray for is MY will to be done!! But one thing is for sure, Gods plan for us will not come a day later or sooner then He has planned for us. So if we do not get the results we are looking for please pray that we have the strength and understanding to handle things a little better this time around.

If the HCG process does not work this time our next step will be the HSG ( which is very expensive and we will have to do some type of fund raiser  to afford the appointment) But my hopes are high and we will see the unveiling of Gods plan in His time.

Im not as nervous this time around because I know what to expect now, which I assume is how things will go in other treatments if we have to go through them. 

The reality of infertility has hit the hubby full force. Ive always thought he was in a bit of denial about the situation, but after seeing the doctor he had the attitude of us not getting pregnant not being an option. When that negative result came he took it harder then he ever has. Im now not only nervous about a negative result but also how the hubby is going to be. My heart hurts to think that his heart hurts. Which contributed the the reasons of why I wanted to give up and stop trying. I thought if we stop trying I dont have to see that look on his face ever again. I dont have to find out something is wrong with me. And we dont have to live on such a tight budget anymore to pay for these infertility cost. But we both talked about it and none of the reasons or excuses are valid enough to stop trying to achieve our dream of parenthood.

After we are done with our treatment I will update you. And after our test results I will update you guys. Last time I felt like I needed to let you all know something but I was very short and to the point due the the feelings of hopelessness I was feeling. I cant assure you that the next one wont be the same if we get a negative result again but I will update you all.

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version (NIV)

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future