So I haven't blogged in awhile... Not much has changed since my last blog. We are still on hold for our next appointment. I put in my mind that we were just going to keep trying even though we cant go to this appointment and for some reason convinced myself that we were in fact going to get pregnant on our own. It is my birthday Wednesday and I had it all planned out that I was going to find out on my birthday that I was pregnant and it was going to be the best birthday present ever. (AF was not expected until Thursday) Well this morning I found out that I'm not getting that birthday gift.
I feel numb. I feel like I want to cry (or need to) but the tears wont come. Now we are officially on month 22 of trying... only two months away from two years. I'm losing hope, the hope that I'm so desperately trying to hang on to... but I feel it pulling from my grasp! I realize that I am still asking the same question 22 months later... What is wrong? and cant seem to get the answer!
I pray every night for God to fill my womb. I know that it is not going to come a day later or a day sooner than He plans but I cant seem to stop asking "When Lord"? I know deep down that the Lord has tremendous blessings He is going to bestow upon us but the hurt that comes along with the wait I cant seem to keep at bay. I feel bad to hurt and be sad knowing that God has a plan for me. That by being hurt or sad in some way makes me seem as if I doubt His plan. I know that God does not want to see me hurt or sad and that, that is not His plan. This is just a lesson I'm learning in placing my complete trust in Him. I think my birthday is adding alot to the sadness.. it is just a reminder that I am another year older. Another year gone by without a child and that my clock is ticking. I know that at age thirty our chances drop and then again they drop at age thirty five. But I will continue to stand strong with all of my faith and hope placed at the Lords feet...
Matthew 14:31 NIV Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
Hebrews 11:1 NIV Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV We live by faith, not by sight.
