An Infertil Halloween

So even though it may not seem that a simple holiday like halloween can affect a person dealing with infertility it does. Passing the costume section wondering if you were a parent just which costume you would choose. Thinking of where you would take them trick or treating or in our case what fun we would have at the fall festival at our church. In our case we are very lucky to have a beautiful nephew that we get to share this time with but my heart breaks for the others out there that will sit at home crying after each trick or treater leaves there door giggling. Wishing for that moment that they could be on the other side of that door with a small hand in theirs. I have met with women who are in there later years that were never able to have children and i can still see hurt in their eyes. They should be grandparents by now but instead look forward to a child knocking on there door for candy just because it is a rare occassion to play grandma. I sometimes wonder if that will be me oneday. But all in all we have to be thankful for the good in our lives our health, our family, and most of all our faith. Today i pray for those that have a hard time getting through and i also pray for everyone our there to have a safe and happy halloween. Love your child and soak in each little moment of your trick or treating experiance... there are some out there that cant.

He gives the barren woman a home, making her the joyous mother of children. Praise the LORD!
(Psalms 113:9 Holy Bible ESV)

Suffering because of denial!

Okay so if you are another infertil out there you will get this blog if not you will think im crazy lol! So us girls dealing with infertility go through the same cycle each month. And our months dont start on the 1st they start on the last day of our period. We start by breaking out the ovulation kits, writing down each day and time we get a NO until the day comes that we get the big YES! Then its time to get down to business all along praying prayers that are sometimes even selfish. Then it starts! Looking for each little sign of pregnancy... google history full with "earliest pregnancy symptoms". Pumping ourselfs with prenatals, eating the special getting pregnant diets, avoiding all things that could be unhealthy or cause miscarriage. Trying to relax all the while. Then come the early signs of the dreaded cramps that we all convince ourselves that can in fact just be a sign of becoming pregnant. We start going to the bathroom every hour on the hour to make sure that IT has not arrived. Meanwhile between bathroom visits we are breaking out our calanders trying to force the dates to change and say we are late. Then IT happens and we immediatley convince ourselves that IT is just implantations bleeding. On our next bathroom visit comes the breakdown. The crying. The questioning. The reasoning. Then the praying, picking ourselves up, and starting all over. The fresh start... sigh! This is the vicious cycle of the the hopeful infertil wanna be mother!  Not to mention the months that say we come down with the flu or something. Being infertil makes you blame every little symptom to being pregnant. You get a runny nose and find yourself googling if that can be a sign of pregnancy and then to be safe you dont take any medication that could cause problems in a pregnancy "just in case" only to find out later that month that you suffered through all of that for nothing!

And i know that it is going to be even more emotional once fertility doctors with invasive procedures are involved. I have to admit that after reading up on all that is involved in fertility treatment im a little afraid. I actually had a moment of can i put myself through this emotionally? Do i really want to put my marriage through this? As of right now we have not even made it to Bretts first appointment and i have that feeling of once we walk in that office and start the procedures there is no turning back. So the first thing i did was go to the Lord in prayer asking for his guidence. And we decided that we are going through with it. So i then went to the Lord in prayer for strength to get me through what all is to come. I know that my Savior is filled with kindness and goodness and has the best plan for me and that he will bring me through this no matter which way all of this goes. I guess my reason for this blog is to give a little insight to those who do not know what exactly a person dealing with infertility goes through. It turns into a lifestyle. We are more sensitive then you think. Things that you think may not hurt... Do. We are all really good at putting on a brave face and acting like just passing the baby section in walmart doesnt throw us into an almost emotional breakdown. Just remember when you complain of a pregnancy symptom you are having there is someone our there just wishing for those symptoms, when you are ready to pull you hair out because of a teething baby, or the terrible two's. There is someone out there that would give anything to have that in their life.

I Peter 3:8:

Finally, everyone must live in harmony, be sympathetic, love each other, have compassion, and be humble.

Abortion...

Okay so most blogs that are about infertiltiy do an abortion blog so i thought i would to. From the start let me just say i am 100% against abortion unless it is absolutly necessary for the life of the mother. ( such as ectopical pregnancy ) Keep in mind that this is just my opinion and beliefs! I feel that once a sperm meets an egg that that is a baby! I dont consider it a membrane or whatever else they want to call it. I believe with all my heart that all pregnancies are planned... maybe not by the mother that carries it but that it is planned by God. It does not mean that that child is planned for that person however. I believe that in some cases God is using that woman as a vessel to provide a child for a loving family that can not have children. Placing a child with someone that desperately wants one is the most unselfish gift anyone can do! I think that it is very selfish for a person to kill an innocent child because they cant deal with the emotions that come along with giving a child up for adoption. Its kind of like they are saying if i cant have this child noone can. I dont care what the government says it is murder.... These days you can go to jail for killing a dog but walk freely from a doctors visit after taking the life of a helpless baby. Adoption is the only option if you can not take care of a baby that you layed down to make and that is just the way i feel about it. Which brings me to adoption. The government makes it so hard for a family to adopt a child even though we have billions in foster care/ orphanages across the world. If you find a mother that wants to give her child up without going through an adoption agency ( which is rare) you are going to spend at least $2,000 in court cost. When you go through an adoption agency it can start any where from 10,000 to over $40,000! We have all of these helpless children longing for families and all of these infertil families longing for children but the government puts the cost to where it puts a new family starting out in a financial bind from the starting gate! Setting them up to stuggle. It blows my mind! But i guess what it all comes down to is greed. Thinking of money instead of the children. However hard the adoption process is this should not make anyone turn to abortion. Not even giving a child a chance is just wrong. Everything happens for a reason and that includes getting pregnant. Even if that reason is to make a barren mother have the joy of raising a child.

I found the below information on a website and could not agree more!

"Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying: "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; before you were born I sanctified you; I ordained you a prophet to the nations." (Jeremiah 1:4-5).

"What then shall I do when God rises up? When He punishes, how shall I answer Him? Did not He who made me in the womb make them? Did not the same One fashion us in the womb?" (Job 31:14-15)

"For You formed my inward parts; you covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well." (Psalm 139:13-14)

Another among the Bible verses on abortion is Luke 1:15, which states that John the Baptist will be "filled with the Holy Spirit, even from his mother's womb", meaning that the baby in the womb has a soul for the Holy Spirit to fill.

Abortion activists often attempt heroic acrobatics in logic to try to dismiss these Bible verses, which indicate that abortion kills babies whom God "formed", "sanctified" and "made" in the womb and in whom the Holy Spirit may already reside, and is therefore a murderous rebellion against God.

The "choice" pregnant women have is between keeping or giving up their babies for adoption, not murdering the "wonderfully made marvelous ... works" of God. It is unconscionable that 1.3 million unborn and even born babies are murdered annually in America, even more than the number of Jews the Nazis gassed annually during the Holocaust.

Whoo Hooo!

I ovulated! I ovulated! I ovulated! Lol!! I completely give glory to God! Even if as a result i do not become pregnant at least i know without a doubt i have ovulated! It was so wierd though... too see a YES on what looks like a pregnancy test! Even though i know that it is an ovulation test i could not help but pretend for just a minute that it was a pregnancy test! I have never had the pleasure of seeing a positive result for myself and i have to admit i got that butterfly feeling! I quickly snapped myself back to reality but for that brief moment of joy i thank God. I am well aware that there is a possibility that that may be the closest i ever come to that feeling but instead of being sad im am thankful that i got to have that feeling at least once.. even if it was just for a moment! I find myself stronger these days! Not just in my infertility journey but in many aspects of my life.  I find myself in situations where i would normally be upset or stressed and surprisingly find myself at peace instead and i know that it is because i have God on my side in all that i do! I dont have to worry... he takes care of EVERYTHING for me! How great and graciouse is that! The Lord takes on our worries and stresses. He gives us peace! I can not express how much i LOVE my savior! It is amazing that once you truly become stong in your faith how present Jesus is in our lifes. When your faith is weak it is easy to think of Jesus almost as a mythical creature that you just say is there. He is really real! If you are strong in your faith he is ever so present in your life daily! He becomes apparent to us all of a sudden.. not only in our times of stife but also in our times of joy! Our God is good!

John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.

Romans 5:1
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,

Isa 53:5
But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

2 Thessalonians 3:16
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you.

Ovulation Confusion!

So in the past two weeks i have found myself easily aggitated! (Alot!) Over the past two months i had kinna taken a break from ovulation calanders and such! But now i am back at it! In my past blog i put that ovulation occurs for 12 to 24 hours each month. That was a type-o! It occurs for 12 to 36 hours each month. For someone trying to get pregnant it is crucial that you know when you are ovulating. There are many ways you can do this. Basel temp is one- I have never been able to do this because it requires you to monitor your temperature each morning before you get out of bed! And to be honest id forget my head if if wasnt attached much less remember to check my temp each morning at the same time and write it down. So the method i went with in the begining was just counting the 14th day from the first day of my cycle. When i didnt become pregnant i realized that i could not use this method and that i may be ovulating differently than the normal average woman. So i moved on to the next method- an in home ovulation test. I bought the ones with the little strips that you have to tell if one line is darker or the same color as the other. This was very confusing. One day i would be like oh this line is deff the same color. Then i would ask everyone in the house i could to get there take on it. Then there would be one that was much much darker and i would be like ok so i wasnt ovulating but now i am? It was soooo confusing. I called the doctor and after she questioned me on all of my personal monthly visits she said that she could not guarentee me but that it seemed that i am ovulating in the norm. But still i was not becoming pregnant. Then after some research i learned that some women can go a whole cycle without ovualting at all but still have a normal cycle! This all has just blown my mind! So this month i bought the big dog! The expensive 20 supply test kit that gives you a clear YES+ or NO-! Well everyday i get the depressing NO-! Its so frustrating! I want to shake my self and just be able to force my body to function the way it is suppose to! And because i cant i do the next best thing... mope, be aggervated and snappy, and just all around down! This is all tiring and stressful! And then i reach to my faithful savior!

My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest. (Exodus 33:14)

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

 I can rest knowing my Lord is with me! And in my time of doubt i can remind myself that my gracious loving God has nothing but the best of intentions for me! He wants only good for me and my life! I always say his plan is even better than any plan i could ever come up with on my own! And that is so true! The following verses remind me of this!

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31:8)

I sought the Lord, and he answered me, and delivered me from all my fears. (Psalm 34:4)

Those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. (Psalm 34:10b)

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. (Psalm 34:17)

God is so good! He is faithful loving and kind! I know that he has the best plan for me! This does not mean that i am not human and will not have times of doubt or times of saddness! But it does mean that the outcome of each of those times will end in happiness and joy! Because in the end not matter what i have my salvation which is more important than anything!

Completely Non fertility related!

So last night I watched Passion of the Christ for the first time! I have put off watching it for years because I was scared to actually SEE what Jesus went through for us. After watching it I became incredibly humbled! Really I cried my eyes out! And the thought that the movie was just a small idea of what he actually sustained! The magnitude of the torture placed on him is umimaginable! During the movie I stopped and thought of all the lost souls out in this world that have not accepted Jesus's gift of salvation and it is sooo sad! He went through that to take on your sins so that you may enter into his kingdom if you would only accept him as your savior. When you dont accept him as your savior its like you are telling him he went through all of that for you for nothing! Jesus loves each and every one of us so much that he willingly gave his life so that we may have eternal life! The most important thing you can do in this life is accept him as your savior and live in his image!

John 3:16 God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son so that whoever believes in him may not be lost, but have eternal life.



Living your life for Christ is more than just saying you are a christan! You have to live your life showing Gods light shining through you to others. There came a point in my life where my light was very dim! I was more worried about fitting in and going with the crowd! The reality is that the things that SEEM important like fitting in, being cool, doing the things the crowd is doing so you dont stand out does not matter when you leave this earth ! What matters are the works you are doing with your life for the Lord! And that when you meet your maker you can stand tall and say even though people of the world gave me a hard time for being different and made fun of me for not wanting to do the evil things of the world I stood strong in your faith and goodness and refrained from falling into satans temptations!

Although there will be times that we falter and fall into those temptations as a child of God it is so good to know that our sins are forgivin as soon as we ask for forgiveness from our All Mighty God!

John 15:18-19 If the world hates you, remember that is hated me first. If you belonged to the world it would love you as it loves its own. But I have chosen you out of the world, so you dont belong to it. That is why the world hates you.

If I have to be of the world to fit in, Then call me a nerd and I'll proudly stand out!!

The weak spots!

We missed Berts appointment again today due to his work schedual. Which put me in a funk today! So as you probably know ( if you read my last blog) I found out last week that we once again did not achieve parenthood and that I talked of the strength I had this time around! BUT I am feeling a little bit of aftershock I guess! I know we all have our weak moments and I am seeking God at this weak moment but all the same I am human! I think about all the little children out there crying out for help wanting a family to love them. That are in situations that are not good for them physically or emotionally. And it breaks my heart knowing that there are so many women out there like me yearning for a little child, wanting to provide them with a stable loving christian home. I cannot stand to see any mother out there that does not appreciate the gift from God they have recieved! Do they really understand how preciouse of a miracle a pregnancy is? I mean if you think about it you have this very short window that has to happen at just the right time for only 12 to 24 hours out of each month to achieve pregnancy! It is a glorious miracle everytime a women becomes pregnant. It is a gift that goes unappreciated most of the time. I found myself weak today welling up with tears and a heavy tug at my heart! But the Lord WILL raise me up! It is hard for someone who is not dealing with infertility to understand the emotional rollarcoaster infertility brings. It tests your faith, it tests your marriage, it tests your confidence in yourself and your body, it tests your beliefs of what your future holds! And its funny that the one thing that determines all of these is a TEST that you take each month! Me and Bert have talked about adoption and if it is whats right for us. Adoption is not for everyone. Some people just know that they can not love a child like they are there own if they are in fact not there own. And that is okay and understandable, but for me and Bert that is not the case! We know without a doubt in our hearts that we can adopt a child and love them as if they were biologically ours! Now that we know that that is something we agree on and are open to it is up to God. If that is His plan we will pursue it. We are still going to have all of our testing done and continue to try to become pregnant however we are thinking we may pursue adoption as well if that is what God puts on our hearts to do. Personally I would be thrilled to adopt a child and find out I were pregnant at the same time! I always tell people if I could have a litter I would lol! Bert not so much! Ha ha! Even though I am entitled to be sad I am not entitled to lose faith and I refuse to!

1 John 5: 3-4  Loving God means obeying his commands. And God's commands are not too hard for us, because everyone who is a child of God conquers the world. And this is the victiory that conquers the world-- Our faith.

Barren Sarah and Rebekah

In my own personal bible study today I read about Sarah and Rebekah's barreness. From the beginning of time women have struggled with infertility and sought out Gods blessings through there trial. This is there stories...

(5)Abraham was one hundred years old when his son Isaac was born. (6) And Sarah said "God has made me laugh." Everyone who hears about this will laugh with me. (7) No one thought that I would be able to have Abraham's child, but even though Abraham is old I have given him a son. Genesis 21:5-7

Wow! Talk about waiting faithfully! Even after waiting one hundred years God blessed Abraham and Sarah with a child! They were faithful and put God first without questioning him! And in the end Sarah even found humor in having a child! Lets just hope me and Brett dont have to wait quite that long!

Now Sarahs son Isaac married Rebekah who also battled with infertility.

Isaac's wife could not have children, so Isaac prayed to the Lord for her. The Lord heard Isaac's prayer and Rebekah became pregnant. Genesis 25:21

What I love about this verse is the importance that your husband prays for you also! It is important that both husband and wife are actively seeking God through prayer. It is your husbands job to be the christian leader of your home. Praying together is important. Raising your children in Gods image is most important. As a man of God your husband will lovingly take on that role.

1 Peter 3:7 says, You husbands likewise live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker vessel, since she is a woman; and grant her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 

Reading about other women in the bible that struggled with infertility is just a reminder to me that Im not the first and I wont be the last. But through these stories the common ground remains! Gods faithfulness! And Gods love for his children. Our God is amazing and has our best interest at heart. He knows our desires and loves to bless his children. Im sure sometimes when we go to God in prayer with OUR plans he sometimes giggles thinking if they only knew the plan I have for them! And im sure he enjoys seeing the joy on our faces when HIS plan plays out and we stop and think wow the plan I had was so lame compared to this! I look forward to that day that  I can say wow I stressed and stumbled and cried and grumbled over my plan that was so lame compared to the plan God had for me! :)

Finding Strength Through God

So yet again comes the day we find out  we have not achieved parenthood. Oddly this month I am at peace! No tears or breakdowns! I find myself with a strength I did not have before! I have faith that Gods plan will prevail. Whatever that plan may be. And that I no longer have to worry about it.

"You cannot add any time to your life by worrying about it. If you cannot do even the little things, then why worry about the big things." Luke 12:25-26

Since I have given my trial of infertility to the Lord I have found myself less and less concerned with ovulation calculaters and special diets. Now dont get me wrong I am still trying to get pregnant and keeping up with all of these things, but I am not obsessed with it or letting it take over my life! I know that it is in Gods hands and he is taking care of it for me so I dont have to focus on carrying this load alone.

"But seek God's kingdom, and all the other things you need will be given to you," Luke 12:31

What this verse reminds me is that you are to put nothing before God. He is to be your main focus and what you strive for daily. By being obsessed with all things baby, I was putting becoming pregnant before him. I was not seeking God FIRST! I was seeking becoming pregnant first and asking God for help after each negative test. And this applies to all aspects of life. God should come before all else. You will not truly be blessed if there are any "idols" you are putting before God. And in a way I was making becoming pregnant my "idol".

As long as God places a desire on my heart to have a child I will continue to try. I will not give up on any path he leads me on. Even if that path is adoption or no baby at all I will have faith in his plan for me.

"I have told you these things to keep you from giving up." John 16:1

Oddly I am thankful for my infertility. I know that sounds crazy right? But I am thankful for it! I am thankful because it has renewed my relationship with christ! I have become closer to him through this! And that may have been his plan all along! God has truly blessed me!

Now instead of saddness I am excited! I cant wait to see where Gods plan for me leads! You never know he may be leading me to be a mother, he may be leading me to help others going through what I am going through, he may be leading me to be a mother to a child that does not have one, he may be leading me to help children in other countries find Jesus! You never know but until then I am faithfully waiting on his plan to be unveiled!

Baby Names Just for Fun!

Girls:
Addison Isabella (Addi-Bell for short)
Emma Elise
Lillian
Adaline
Macie Mae
Paisley
Presleigh
Ava
Ella-Kate
Caroline
Amelia
Harper
Avery
Layla
Piper
Swayzie (everyone hates this one but me lol)
Kylie
Lux
Azaleigh
Eden
Eliza
Ellie Kaitlyn
Mercy Mae


Boys:
Aiden Brett
Brett Reed or Reed Brett
Ezra Brett
Jaxson
Jett
Brody
Ryder
Kane
Keegan
Roman
Drake
Noah
Holden
Miles
Jonah
Parker
Chevy
Perry
Field
Hudson
Porter
Reece
Rumor
Emmit
Bodhi/Bohdi
Karson
Vance
Issac
Samuel
Justus
Royce


I know this is an insanely long list but hey we have had a long while to come up with these. Lol. And saddly there will probably be many more added to it :)

Barren Women of the Bible

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you... Psalm 55:22

Even women in the bible dealt with infertitlity. One of those women was Hannah. Her husband had two wives. The other wife was able to have children and Hannah was not.

I can not imagine how hard that must have been for her. Not only dealing with the pain of not being able to provide children for your huband you have to sit back and watch another woman do so. Im sure she was consumed with jealousy and anger much like the feelings of alot of women today dealing with infertility.

The other wife would tease Hannah until she cried. Hannah went to the Lord in prayer and poured out her soul to him. Telling him of her pain and saddness. She told Jesus that if he would bless her with a son she would give him back to Jesus and raise him in her Fathers ways. And he blessed her with a son, Samuel. Hannah did as she said she would and Samuel became a famous priest of God.

"In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the Lord."
"I am a woman who is deeply troubled pouring out my soul to the Lord... Out of  my great anguish and grief." (1Samuel 1:10-16)

What we learn from Hannah  is that you can be honest with the Lord and go to him with you pain and saddness. You do not have to hide it. The Lord knows our hearts and its desires before we do anyway!

Found this on a site- There is no pretense that she is not hurting, not blindly trusting God but really wrestling with the pain of infertility- Speaking of Hannah

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord"(Psalm 27:14)

Alot of women dealing with infertilty play the blame game. They blame themselves for having a defect. I can not say that I am not one of those women. Its hard when you are not in control of your own body. But the beautiful thing you can remind yourself is that you dont have to be in control of it because the Lord is!!
This is a question that I asked myself-
Am I dealing with infertility because of my past sins? My husbands past sins? Our parents past sins?
I mean I know that there are consequences for sin and the sins of our parents as the bible teaches us this. But is infertitlity one of those consequences?

After much research this is the answer if recieved-
His disciples asked him, Rabbi who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Neither this man nor his parents sinned, said Jesus, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.( John 9:2-3)

Infertitility is not a punishment. It is just a way for God to show his works through us to others.

I also came across this on a site of someone else dealing with infertility-
God is the giver of life and he can bring about miracles. We do not know what God may be doing in our lives- even when it seems like he is not doing anything at all. God can surprise us!

I love that! Even when we struggle with the "God are you hearing me?" feeling you can know that God may be working in that area of your life and you not even know it. I know everything I talk about is based on infertility but this applies to all trials in your life, any disability in your life, and any struggle.

You Lord, are my strength and my shield; my heart trust in you and I am helped. (psalm 28:7)

I also found this on another site and it touched my heart-
And by asking God to change this reality and to heal us, to give us children, is not a selfish request but a calling for God to restore his creation, our world, and to bring all things under Christ and to bring peace to this place, beginning in our life.



This is a Celtic Prayer called Coping with Infertility

Gracious God, we long for a child and find our hearts shaved of hope
as month after month we go childless.
The love we have to give and share with a child fills us to the brim,
but that love seems thwarted when our longing is not fulfilled.
Look with tenderness on us, O God.
Let the disappointment that hangs over us be lifted by the joy of your touch.
Give us the patience that will re-build hope
as we wait for the fullness of our love in the high calling of parenthood.
We ask this for the sake of your love. AmenCeltic Prayer (Copyright ©1999-2008 explorefaith.org)

I have spent my morning deep into the word of God today and I feel blessed! I hope that this touches your lives and gives you an understanding of the love God has for each and everyone of you! Thank for stopping in and continuing this journey with us! We are on a journey with an unknown destination! But instead of being scared of that destination I am now excited about it! I cant wait to see where God leads us in this journey and the miracles that will be shown of him along the way! One of those miracles has already happened! I feel renewed in my faith and closer to Jesus than ever and that is a miracle in its self! I hope your enjoying the ride as much as I am! :)

Under Satans Attack

Today I had a breakdown. Out of the blue I became consumed with jealousy, saddness, and anger. I started to cry uncontrollably. I sometimes sit and think of how I yearn to know the feeling of a little piece of me and the hubbys little creation tumbling inside of me. The feeling of giving birth and seeing the little face look up at me that would look just like his or her daddy or mommy. I think of all the things I would teach him or her. The daily routine I would fall into and the purpose to this life I would finally gain. When these thought hit me I start the "why?" "why cant I experiance this?" "what did I do to not deserve this gift in life?" When all of this hits me I know I am under attack of the devil! I know he is testing my faith and wanting me to blame God. I must be at a weak point in my spiratual walk because the devil is attacking me daily at this point! I came across a very good friend of mines blog and right at the moment I needed it the song You lift me up started to play! It helped me through this battle with the devil! At that moment I started to pray for the Lord to lift me up out of this despair. Our God is so good! I know that all I had to do is go to him in prayer and that he will take over this battle for me! The devil did not win in testing my faith! He only made me run to my glorious God!

Psalm 46:1 (KJV) ” God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble “.

How true is that! He is there waiting on our call for help!

I am still learning that Gods plan for me may not be that I have a child of my own. I have to accept that. It is hard but I HAVE to trust in him! I struggle with letting that dream go. Its almost impossible for me to think of my life without that option there but i know that i can not truly be blessed with Gods plan until i completely let go of the reins and let go of MY plan. I thank you all for reading my story and reading my stuggles. This really is to just help me get things out but if i can touch someones life or help someone else out there that is going through the same situation then it just reminds me that Gods plan is even larger than i can even imagine!

Satan testing me?

So here is an update as to where we are.... I talked to our doctor and set up an appointment for the hubby to have a seman analysis. He took off work the next week and we had it all planned out! Then he got hurt at work which delayed us making it to our appointment. I thought okay we can just make it next week after he recovers! The following week I became sick with pnemonia which lasted 3 weeks! Another delay! Now that im feeling much better I plan to resume our plan when I hear my hubby with this awful cough! Just great! I feel like the devil is making it impossible for us to make it to this appointment! I felt myself slipping into depression again! I started to self pitty myself! And the angry part of me started to question God! It scares me how easily the devil tempted me into placing blame of God! I had to let the Lord bring me back up! And keep the understanding that God does have a plan for me! Even though my human mind can not imagine what that plan is i know it is a miraculouse one! I made myself go to church Sunday! I had not been since Berts accident at work! I needed it! I ran into a church member that said she was praying for us! It was so uplifting to know that someone else is taking time in there life to go to the Lord in prayer for us! It is the best gift we can recieve! The power of prayer is amazing! I feel ashamed that I even took one moment to question Gods plan for us! It humbles me and brings me back to my knees to thank the Lord for the many blessing we HAVE recieved in our marriage and not focus on the ones we have not. So as of now we will make it to this appointment when the Lord is ready for us to make it there! In His time not mine!