First I will start off with an update, or lack there of. We still have not made it to the hubbys appointment. Being busy with the holidays, my husbands work schedual, and markets combined with Sew Cute we just have not had the time. Surprisingly I have not stressed about it and sometimes pass by the "famous" brown paper bag without even noticing it. Hopefully we will make it to the doctor soon. It is all in Gods time not ours. So when he decided its time everything will work out without a hitch.
On to another subject. I wanna talk a little bit about the cons of everyone knowing we are having trouble conceiving. Although we have recieved many blessings by sharing our story through encouraging words, prayers, and an out pour of information provided to us from anyone who has delt with infertility there are some downfalls. Now my entire family knows and because of that it has added some pressure. Im not going to be specific. But anytime I have a moment of "oh im really wanting ____ to eat" or "my back is hurting" or "my stomache hurts" the automatic response is "your pregnant", "you have to be pregnant" or "i bet anything your pregnant". Now I know this is all ment with well intent and coming from a good place. But everyday is a battle for me to NOT get my hopes up. Its a full time job in fact. Getting my hopes up make the disappointment that much worse. Its hard not to get your hopes up when someone is constantly telling you they just KNOW you are pregnant. I start to believe it and hit google up to check just in case this may in fact be a symptom. Which most of the time pregnancy symptoms are also symptoms that you can have with just about anything else including your cycle. I dont normally let it get my hopes up but there are those times that I want so bad to think that they are right.
And on to another subject. I actually stopped today and relized just how long it really has been that we have tried to achieve parenthood. When I think about it, when we first started trying a baby boom hit! Everyone was getting pregnant. Through that time I have seen not only others get pregnant but have there babies. Then I see pictures of that same babies 1st birthday and realize there is a whole other slew of women pregnant and I think will I still be trying when those babies are born or better yet when they are turning one also? While thinking of all this I told my mom "My window is shutting fast" She knew what I ment. And what I mean by that is Im knocking on thirtys door. My chances of becoming pregnant drop drastically once I turn thirty. Then they drop even more after thirty five and are close to non exsistant after forty. This realization hit me hard. I went in panic mode then into hopelssness mode then into uncontrollable crying mode.Remember in one of my previous blogs that I told you women dealing with infertility are pros at putting on a brave face? Well all of this hit me while out for the day with my mom and it took all of the strength I had to hold it all in until I got home. I guess in part of holding the emotions in for so long is why I had the magnitude of the break down I had tonight. Saddness mixed with emotional exhaustion equaled a crying fest like no other!! It just plain out sucks that I have no control over my reproductive organs that are not so productive. The actuality of me never becoming pregnant hit me is what happened. Its a hard thought to think. Picturing my life never carring a child. Its a down day for me. It does not mean that I have lost faith in my savior or dont believe that he has a wonderful plan for me. Its just a day that I allowed myself to succumb to the reality of my infertility. So what am I gonna do? Im going to allow myself to be sad for the rest of the night. Im going to pray to my wonderful Savior for understanding and strength. And then Im going to wake up tomorrow and BE STRONG! Tomorrow will not be a pity day. I know there will be more pity days but Im not going to let it consume my daily life. I cant do this everyday or I will just go back into being depressed. So like the old saying goes Im gonna pick myself up and dust myself off!
And even through my saddness of today I give God the glory. Glory to whatever devine plan it is that he has for my life. :)
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
To Foster or Not to Foster?
So as you know I have talked several times about adoption. We are completely open to adopting BUT the cost of adoption is just out of our reach. We do not have 30 to 40 dollars laying around! I know that if Gods plan for us is to adopt that he will provide a way. As of now I have not hit the lotto or found a money tree. :) So I take that as this may not be the time for us.
It was made very clear during our PRIDE training sessions that unless we were open to fostering children, our application could sit untouched and unprocessed for up to a year. One trainer actually said, "Families unwilling to foster are, unfortunately, not a priority."
After reading the above comment from another blog it first made me angry. So I then dove into research on fostering. Most children placed in foster care are placed there with the chance that there biological parents will step up and get them back. So I think how would that affect my husband and myself? Having a child placed in our home (for who knows how long) and then the parents getting them back. Can i deal with a child being taken from us when that is all we want with all of our hearts? We are already in a way dealing with this in our life now and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know how bad it will hurt to raise a child as your own just to have them taken away. Part of me says do this for the children out there in need of a place to lay there heads, recieve the word of God, and know what it is like to be loved. But when that child leaves it leaves use empty. I dont know that I have the strength for that. If it is what God wants for us I will not stand in his way but I pray that he gives us the strength and understanding we will need. I think that if my Lord and Savior could sacrafice himself and go through what he did for us then I can sacrafice my own feelings for a child in need. We are still talking and praying about if this is something we are going to do. And there is a lengthy process that we will have to go through before a child is placed with us, so this is not happening tomorrow. Until then we will continue to try and become pregnant and continue to try and make it to our doctors appointment.
Most of my post are positive and speaking of strength that we have, but there are days that are filled with dispair and hopelessness. Days that I cry out God can you hear me!!?? Pleading him to fill my arms with a child for us to love. Days that I break down as a person. I am faced everyday with infertility! EVERYDAY! I never get a real break from it. No matter how much I try to have a day of not thinking about it, it always creeps into my mind. The question is how do I handle it that day. It does not matter how much I am excited for that person who just posted "the news" on facebook or the congrats I give when I meet someone with a new baby in there arms, the envy always makes its way in. I am not proud of that fact but it happens. I cant lie and say that it does not. The hopelessness come from trying and not becoming pregnant each month. Researching adoption to find you cant afford it. Researching foster care to find that the child may be taken from you after you are attached. It all seems like dead end roads. These last four simple sentences break me as a person. Fill my eyes with tears and my heart with dispair. But what can I do? The answer to that my friend is pray. That is all I can do. I have to go to my creator everyday and ask for strength. Strength is the one thing each person dealing with infertility needs the most. You have to have it everyday. It is the only thing that will get you through. I know that this blog is just kinna all over the place (like most of my blogs are) but im just spilling my feelings out into this blog. It is raw and you get my true feelings each time you read it. Please pray for us. Pray that whatever plan God has for us that he makes it apparent to us and gives us the strength to get through it.
Exodus 15:2The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him
It was made very clear during our PRIDE training sessions that unless we were open to fostering children, our application could sit untouched and unprocessed for up to a year. One trainer actually said, "Families unwilling to foster are, unfortunately, not a priority."
After reading the above comment from another blog it first made me angry. So I then dove into research on fostering. Most children placed in foster care are placed there with the chance that there biological parents will step up and get them back. So I think how would that affect my husband and myself? Having a child placed in our home (for who knows how long) and then the parents getting them back. Can i deal with a child being taken from us when that is all we want with all of our hearts? We are already in a way dealing with this in our life now and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know how bad it will hurt to raise a child as your own just to have them taken away. Part of me says do this for the children out there in need of a place to lay there heads, recieve the word of God, and know what it is like to be loved. But when that child leaves it leaves use empty. I dont know that I have the strength for that. If it is what God wants for us I will not stand in his way but I pray that he gives us the strength and understanding we will need. I think that if my Lord and Savior could sacrafice himself and go through what he did for us then I can sacrafice my own feelings for a child in need. We are still talking and praying about if this is something we are going to do. And there is a lengthy process that we will have to go through before a child is placed with us, so this is not happening tomorrow. Until then we will continue to try and become pregnant and continue to try and make it to our doctors appointment.
Most of my post are positive and speaking of strength that we have, but there are days that are filled with dispair and hopelessness. Days that I cry out God can you hear me!!?? Pleading him to fill my arms with a child for us to love. Days that I break down as a person. I am faced everyday with infertility! EVERYDAY! I never get a real break from it. No matter how much I try to have a day of not thinking about it, it always creeps into my mind. The question is how do I handle it that day. It does not matter how much I am excited for that person who just posted "the news" on facebook or the congrats I give when I meet someone with a new baby in there arms, the envy always makes its way in. I am not proud of that fact but it happens. I cant lie and say that it does not. The hopelessness come from trying and not becoming pregnant each month. Researching adoption to find you cant afford it. Researching foster care to find that the child may be taken from you after you are attached. It all seems like dead end roads. These last four simple sentences break me as a person. Fill my eyes with tears and my heart with dispair. But what can I do? The answer to that my friend is pray. That is all I can do. I have to go to my creator everyday and ask for strength. Strength is the one thing each person dealing with infertility needs the most. You have to have it everyday. It is the only thing that will get you through. I know that this blog is just kinna all over the place (like most of my blogs are) but im just spilling my feelings out into this blog. It is raw and you get my true feelings each time you read it. Please pray for us. Pray that whatever plan God has for us that he makes it apparent to us and gives us the strength to get through it.
Exodus 15:2The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him
Monday, November 21, 2011
Im infertil?
This past month i think God truly knew i was breaking as a human being! So he delicatly placed his hand directly in my life and threw blinders on me! I have been so distracted this month that i almost forgot about trying to get pregnant and that i have trouble trying to concieve!! I took a few ovulation test this month but not everyday like i am suppose to. I havent obsessed with all things baby so much! I have been so busy with my little business and getting ready for markets. God also placed a special friend in my life that just gets me and understands and i am so thankful for that! She can just listen to me go on and on and encourage me through it all! I have actually taken the time this month to just have fun! And i am thankful for all the distractions! It has been nice to have a "break" and not constantly remind myself that i am "infertil". Today i was like uh oh i havent taken an ovulation test... what if i missed my window... why did i get off track... what was i thinking...and then i started to feel guilty. Like i have no right to be sad if i dont get pregnant because i didnt try with all that i had this month. But then i had to stop and give glory to my God! He knew that infertility was starting to consume me again and he gave me this little break as a gift! Remember to give glory to God in all situations! Because his plan for us is always better for us than our own plan! But i do have to say that i still have my hard days! Someone who has not had to deal with infertility may not understand that days that seem completely normal to them may affect someone dealing with infertility differently. Like next week is thanksgiving! We all say what we are thankful for and spend time eating with our families. Someone dealing with infertility worries about things like which family member this year is gonna ask us when we are gonna have a baby? How will we answer this time? Then although we love our family, seeing them with there children knowing that we are showing up "Just the two of us" again stirs envy in us.
Tonight at church we got the question again "when are yall gonna have a little one?" this time it was from our preacher. I plainly told him as soon as the Lord will let us. Then i told him that we have been trying for 17 months and to please pray for us. But each time someone ask us and we tell them that we are trying but just cant there is always that awkward moment where you can see in there eyes that they are sorry for asking. Its funny that im the one that tries to comfort them letting them know that its ok and that we are hopeful and faithful.
The hubby told me the other day that he does not like the word infertil and asked me to not use it. I then realized that he may still be in a little bit of denial that its really been 17 months. I asked him what word he would like me to use (with a little aggervation in my voice) and he told me to call it our broken oven! Haha! He can always make me laugh (even in infertility or in our case our broken oven) and for that i am thankful! Its so easy to let infertility be our lable and to pity ourselves for not having a baby, but i have to stop and be thankful for the wonderful things we do have in life! We have each other! We have our home! We have our health! We have our family! Things could be so much worse!
So if you follow my blog im sure you are wondering about our famous brown paper bag! It is still on our counter (empty) and has not made it to the doctor. Mainly due to us being so busy! But i am determined to make the time or should i say make the hubby make the time next week! So hopefully my next blog will be an update blog with our results!
2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed;
Tonight at church we got the question again "when are yall gonna have a little one?" this time it was from our preacher. I plainly told him as soon as the Lord will let us. Then i told him that we have been trying for 17 months and to please pray for us. But each time someone ask us and we tell them that we are trying but just cant there is always that awkward moment where you can see in there eyes that they are sorry for asking. Its funny that im the one that tries to comfort them letting them know that its ok and that we are hopeful and faithful.
The hubby told me the other day that he does not like the word infertil and asked me to not use it. I then realized that he may still be in a little bit of denial that its really been 17 months. I asked him what word he would like me to use (with a little aggervation in my voice) and he told me to call it our broken oven! Haha! He can always make me laugh (even in infertility or in our case our broken oven) and for that i am thankful! Its so easy to let infertility be our lable and to pity ourselves for not having a baby, but i have to stop and be thankful for the wonderful things we do have in life! We have each other! We have our home! We have our health! We have our family! Things could be so much worse!
So if you follow my blog im sure you are wondering about our famous brown paper bag! It is still on our counter (empty) and has not made it to the doctor. Mainly due to us being so busy! But i am determined to make the time or should i say make the hubby make the time next week! So hopefully my next blog will be an update blog with our results!
2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed;
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Jibber Jabber...
So i havent posted in awhile and i thought i let everyone know where we are. So since our non eventful visit to the doctor i am still walking past and looking at an empty paper bag that sits and reminds me everyday that we are still trying to get over this bump in the road. With the hubbys work schedual it is so hard to make the time to get his "goods" to the doctor. Without getting to personal.. There is a certain process that has to be done to bring his "specimen" in. With him being a truck driver we never know when he will be out on the road or available to go in. So it is hard to plan this visit! But once we finally get his "specimen" to that office i will shout and rejoice to the heavens! Even without knowing the results i will just be happy to get it there. Through this process i have had some other personal issues lately that test my emotions while dealing with infertility! I try to find the good in every sitiuation and remember to give God glory in everything that happens (even if its not a situation that particularly makes me happy). You know its hard to have something happen like not making the appointment yet again and still give glory to our Father. But his plan is more perfect then my mind can imagine. I have to remind myself that and give God glory that he knows whats best even if my human mind cannot understand that. Always know when you are going through a hard time in your life that our God is gracious and kind and only does what is best for us!! Give him glory even in situations that cause you saddness or hardship because he has a wonderful plan for your life! If we get caught up in trying to "fix" things ourselves we may miss out on a miraculous plan our God has for us! Always seek Jesus! There is a video that i will try to share through this blog that reminds me God is always calling out to us but it is our job to look through the turmoil and answer his calling! I know that this blog is kind of all over the place and your probably thinking what is she talking about! I guess im just getting thoughts out of this head of mine! :)
Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
Monday, November 7, 2011
Update..
Okay so if you follow my blog you know that we had our first appointment last Friday. I have put off blogging about it 1- because this appointment was about Brett and i want to be sensitive to his feelings and not share too much of his personal business ( with me it is different, i dont mind talking about all the "uncomfortable" sitiations with my own body) 2- This is the first time i have had to stop and sit and 3- things did not go as expected so i wanted to take the time to let it "simmer" so that i can find the right words.
With that said.... Friday morning we got up and ready to go. I was nervous and full of chatter trying to fill the drive there with less time of thinking of what might happen at this appointment. As we pulled into the parking lot Brett looked at me and said "Im kinna nervous". This really surprised me. All along i thought that this did not bother him at all and that i was the silly one being nervous over this appointment. So right then and there we turned off the car and i prayed for us aloud. Asking God to ease our nerves and that his will be done. And whatever that will may be to give us the knowledge and understanding that we will need. We went in and i told the nurse what we were there for. She told me to wait for a moment so we sat in the waiting room looking through magazines. I took that time to look Brett over. He didnt look nervous to me. Instead he looked strong and carefree. I then realized exactly how strong my husband is for me. How even though he may be torn up inside he puts me and my feeling first. The nurse came back saying she couldnt find anything for us and to wait longer. I kinna laughed and said to myself we are pros at waiting. After waiting for around 20 min. the nurse returned with a brown paper bag and said "Go to the 6th floor" In the elevator i imagined the doors opening to a waiting room with a desk in the center. Not the case , instead it opened to hallways going every which way and names with arrows on the wall and here i stand with just a paper bag, a nervous husband, and no directions besides the vage 6th floor statement from the nurse. Its kind of funny though. You know its much like our relationship with the Lord we have different roads that we can take but if we do not seek the Lord we are likely to choose the wrong path ( or hallway in our case) So i prayed for the Lord to lead me and low and behold i chose a hall walked down past a few doors and told Brett maybe its this one pointing to a blank door that only said "Lab" on it. Brett asked me how i knew and i just said i dont know. And sure enough it was right where we were suppose to be.
Now the next portion im not going to go into to much detail. When we got into the office the nurse gave us paperwork and showed us to a room. It was very uncomfortable and just felt wierd to be there. I was filling out paperwork and Brett was reading over some other paperwork. ( Not exactly what we were suppose to be doing ;) I hear a sigh of relief come from Brett as he tells me that in the instruction paperwork he is reading there is a reason that he could not give his sample that day. I instantly am filled with stress and feel like another bump in the road. Thinking why is he relieved about this!? This is just another set back. I went out and told the nurse and she sent us home with instructions on what to do at home and for me to bring his sample in within an hour on the day she gave us. In the car im complaining wanting to cry and Brett tells me that he would not have been able to give a sample anyway due to being so nervous and uncomfortable. I stopped right then and there and realized that God had provied Brett with a way outta there! He made it to where Brett could do something like this in the comfort of our own home. I had to thank God for providing this avenue for Brett and apologize for doubting his plan. God is so good and sufficent! He proviedes us with what we need not what we (or i) think we need.
It is awesome how present God is in our lives. Now i dont expect every prayer to be instantly answered but on a day like that day God knew we needed him most. He instantly answered my prayers that day and gave me the knowledge and understanding i needed to recognize it. If you truly seek God you will see his presence in your life. It is so easy to get caught up in emotions and not realize the wonderful works the Lord is doing all around you.
So even though we didnt go in and wham bam get answers ,we will eventually. I am completely at peace on that matter. I know that God will provide us answers. It just may take us a little longer to get them. So once again i am thankful that God has made me a pro in the waiting game. I will update you as soon as we get some results. Thanks for checking in on us.
With that said.... Friday morning we got up and ready to go. I was nervous and full of chatter trying to fill the drive there with less time of thinking of what might happen at this appointment. As we pulled into the parking lot Brett looked at me and said "Im kinna nervous". This really surprised me. All along i thought that this did not bother him at all and that i was the silly one being nervous over this appointment. So right then and there we turned off the car and i prayed for us aloud. Asking God to ease our nerves and that his will be done. And whatever that will may be to give us the knowledge and understanding that we will need. We went in and i told the nurse what we were there for. She told me to wait for a moment so we sat in the waiting room looking through magazines. I took that time to look Brett over. He didnt look nervous to me. Instead he looked strong and carefree. I then realized exactly how strong my husband is for me. How even though he may be torn up inside he puts me and my feeling first. The nurse came back saying she couldnt find anything for us and to wait longer. I kinna laughed and said to myself we are pros at waiting. After waiting for around 20 min. the nurse returned with a brown paper bag and said "Go to the 6th floor" In the elevator i imagined the doors opening to a waiting room with a desk in the center. Not the case , instead it opened to hallways going every which way and names with arrows on the wall and here i stand with just a paper bag, a nervous husband, and no directions besides the vage 6th floor statement from the nurse. Its kind of funny though. You know its much like our relationship with the Lord we have different roads that we can take but if we do not seek the Lord we are likely to choose the wrong path ( or hallway in our case) So i prayed for the Lord to lead me and low and behold i chose a hall walked down past a few doors and told Brett maybe its this one pointing to a blank door that only said "Lab" on it. Brett asked me how i knew and i just said i dont know. And sure enough it was right where we were suppose to be.
Now the next portion im not going to go into to much detail. When we got into the office the nurse gave us paperwork and showed us to a room. It was very uncomfortable and just felt wierd to be there. I was filling out paperwork and Brett was reading over some other paperwork. ( Not exactly what we were suppose to be doing ;) I hear a sigh of relief come from Brett as he tells me that in the instruction paperwork he is reading there is a reason that he could not give his sample that day. I instantly am filled with stress and feel like another bump in the road. Thinking why is he relieved about this!? This is just another set back. I went out and told the nurse and she sent us home with instructions on what to do at home and for me to bring his sample in within an hour on the day she gave us. In the car im complaining wanting to cry and Brett tells me that he would not have been able to give a sample anyway due to being so nervous and uncomfortable. I stopped right then and there and realized that God had provied Brett with a way outta there! He made it to where Brett could do something like this in the comfort of our own home. I had to thank God for providing this avenue for Brett and apologize for doubting his plan. God is so good and sufficent! He proviedes us with what we need not what we (or i) think we need.
It is awesome how present God is in our lives. Now i dont expect every prayer to be instantly answered but on a day like that day God knew we needed him most. He instantly answered my prayers that day and gave me the knowledge and understanding i needed to recognize it. If you truly seek God you will see his presence in your life. It is so easy to get caught up in emotions and not realize the wonderful works the Lord is doing all around you.
So even though we didnt go in and wham bam get answers ,we will eventually. I am completely at peace on that matter. I know that God will provide us answers. It just may take us a little longer to get them. So once again i am thankful that God has made me a pro in the waiting game. I will update you as soon as we get some results. Thanks for checking in on us.
Psa. 27:14 Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.
Psa. 37:9 For evildoers will be cut off, But those who wait for the Lord, they will inherit the land
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Nerves!
So tomorrow is the big day! Its funny i remember saying that the night before i got married. Lol and hopefully oneday i will be saying that same phrase again except it will be a delivery or adoption day!! But our journey officially starts tomorrow! I guess you could say we have been on this journey awhile now but it starts tomorrow with "the doctor". Im nervous, i cant sleep, im excited, and im anxious! I know that the hubby is more nervous than i am being that its all about him tomorrow, but he doesnt show it. He just acts like its another day in the neighborhood and no big deal. But i know he is doing that for me. I dont even know if we get the results the same day or we come home and have to wait. The good news is God has me well prepared for the waiting game, ive had lots of practice. So in that i am thankful. This whole ordeal has taught me a tremendous amount of patience. Which is wonderful since it is a fruit of the spirit i should practice daily in my christian walk. Lets see it- Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and self control.
So I have found through my infertility:
A LOVE for my Lord that is so great that it amazes me daily. An unbreakable LOVE for my husband who is so strong and supportive.
Joy through the stories of others that have won the battle. And hopefully a joy that i will have oneday.
Peace is a big one! God has givin me a tremendous amount of peace that i did not have in the begining of all of this. I am at peace with whatever his plan for me may be.
Patience of course because in a nutshell infertility is a waiting game.
Kindness is one that i sometimes did not realize i was not practicing before. Not only have there been so many kind and encouraging words extended to me through all of this but i have had the pleasure of speaking to others going through this same thing and been able to share kindness and understanding with them. Now that my relationship with the Lord has grown so much i find it very very very hard to be unkind to anyone and if i do say something that was not ment to be unkind but may have been taken that way i immediatly feel it on my heart to make sure that that person knows whatever the situation was or what was said was not made with ill intent.
Goodness- I try to practice goodness daily. I always want to help someone or show goodness to someone daily.
Faithfulness is probably the one i have learned most through my infertility. I have learned that God has always been faithful. He is unchanging. I was the one that was not being faithful. I am so thankful for my Lord and Savior. He is the most important person in my life over all else. I faithfully love him. I faithfully trust in him. And i will faithfully wait for his plan.
Gentleness is another big one. I have learned to be gentle with my husbands feelings. I have also learned to be gentle with the feelings of others going through trials in there journey to parenthood. You always thought you were saying the right things that infact hurt until you walk in there shoes.
Self-control.. Well we all know i try to control everything!!! But i have had to practice controlling my SELF from trying to control everything else lol. I have learned that God is in control and i need to stop myself when i step in and try to make MY plans happen the way I want them to. Self-control also comes into play in every christians life when you are tempted to go to that party and drink... or go to that bar and such. This is when your self-control comes into play and you make a stand for the Lord (who died for you might i add) and you say i am gonna control the worldly part of me that wants to go with the crowd and im gonna stand up for what is right and and stand up for my Savior who stood up for me.
Wow this update on going into the doctor tomorrow turned into a whole other kind of blog. Lol. Im just a vessle and if the Lord puts it on my heart i put it on this blog. :)
Please everyone take a moment and say a little prayer for us for tomorrow. The power of prayer is amazing! Thanks for checking in on our journey!
So I have found through my infertility:
A LOVE for my Lord that is so great that it amazes me daily. An unbreakable LOVE for my husband who is so strong and supportive.
Joy through the stories of others that have won the battle. And hopefully a joy that i will have oneday.
Peace is a big one! God has givin me a tremendous amount of peace that i did not have in the begining of all of this. I am at peace with whatever his plan for me may be.
Patience of course because in a nutshell infertility is a waiting game.
Kindness is one that i sometimes did not realize i was not practicing before. Not only have there been so many kind and encouraging words extended to me through all of this but i have had the pleasure of speaking to others going through this same thing and been able to share kindness and understanding with them. Now that my relationship with the Lord has grown so much i find it very very very hard to be unkind to anyone and if i do say something that was not ment to be unkind but may have been taken that way i immediatly feel it on my heart to make sure that that person knows whatever the situation was or what was said was not made with ill intent.
Goodness- I try to practice goodness daily. I always want to help someone or show goodness to someone daily.
Faithfulness is probably the one i have learned most through my infertility. I have learned that God has always been faithful. He is unchanging. I was the one that was not being faithful. I am so thankful for my Lord and Savior. He is the most important person in my life over all else. I faithfully love him. I faithfully trust in him. And i will faithfully wait for his plan.
Gentleness is another big one. I have learned to be gentle with my husbands feelings. I have also learned to be gentle with the feelings of others going through trials in there journey to parenthood. You always thought you were saying the right things that infact hurt until you walk in there shoes.
Self-control.. Well we all know i try to control everything!!! But i have had to practice controlling my SELF from trying to control everything else lol. I have learned that God is in control and i need to stop myself when i step in and try to make MY plans happen the way I want them to. Self-control also comes into play in every christians life when you are tempted to go to that party and drink... or go to that bar and such. This is when your self-control comes into play and you make a stand for the Lord (who died for you might i add) and you say i am gonna control the worldly part of me that wants to go with the crowd and im gonna stand up for what is right and and stand up for my Savior who stood up for me.
Wow this update on going into the doctor tomorrow turned into a whole other kind of blog. Lol. Im just a vessle and if the Lord puts it on my heart i put it on this blog. :)
Please everyone take a moment and say a little prayer for us for tomorrow. The power of prayer is amazing! Thanks for checking in on our journey!
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Finally making the first step!
So after missing our first appointment over and over again we are finally gonna make it with Gods help!
If you have read my previous blogs you know that we have missed this appointment so many times for everything that could come up coming up. So my husband calls me today and tells me he took the day off Friday and was approved for it! Yay! Now im excited and nervous all at the same time. I dont know how long it takes to get the results but im eager to get them already and we havent even gotten to the appointment yet. This is the begining to answers for me! But i am thankful for all the missed appointments because i know that i was not mentally prepared. I had my mind set that they were going to tell me what i wanted to hear but i am now prepared to hear and accept whatever the answers are even if its not a simple "fix". Please pray for my hubby.... i know that this appointment will be uncomfortable for him and to be honest he is a little embarrased. I try to make him feel better telling him that once we get this one out the way the rest of the appointments will be all on me. But i also think he is scared that he is gonna be "the problem". I feel so bad that he feels that way. I love him with all my heart and never want him to feel like there is something wrong with him id rather it be something wrong with me so he wont have to deal with the guilt. But in my eyes he could never be "the problem" he is always the answer to me! I have faith that the Lord will bring us through this and give us the answers we need! Thanks for checking in on us and thank you for your prayers for us! There will be an update as soon as we get out results! Stay tuned! Lol!
1 Chronicles 16:11
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
If you have read my previous blogs you know that we have missed this appointment so many times for everything that could come up coming up. So my husband calls me today and tells me he took the day off Friday and was approved for it! Yay! Now im excited and nervous all at the same time. I dont know how long it takes to get the results but im eager to get them already and we havent even gotten to the appointment yet. This is the begining to answers for me! But i am thankful for all the missed appointments because i know that i was not mentally prepared. I had my mind set that they were going to tell me what i wanted to hear but i am now prepared to hear and accept whatever the answers are even if its not a simple "fix". Please pray for my hubby.... i know that this appointment will be uncomfortable for him and to be honest he is a little embarrased. I try to make him feel better telling him that once we get this one out the way the rest of the appointments will be all on me. But i also think he is scared that he is gonna be "the problem". I feel so bad that he feels that way. I love him with all my heart and never want him to feel like there is something wrong with him id rather it be something wrong with me so he wont have to deal with the guilt. But in my eyes he could never be "the problem" he is always the answer to me! I have faith that the Lord will bring us through this and give us the answers we need! Thanks for checking in on us and thank you for your prayers for us! There will be an update as soon as we get out results! Stay tuned! Lol!
1 Chronicles 16:11
Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.
Infertil and Thankful!
So as you all know it is the month of giving thanks!! I know most of my post are about infertility but for each day of this month im going to remeber something i am thankful for fertility and non fertility related!
Psalm 30:11-12 (NAS) Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing; Thou hast loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness; That [my] soul may sing praise to Thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to Thee forever
Day 1: I am actually thankful for my infertility because it has brought me closer to my Savior than ever!
Day2: I am thankful for my wonderful husband! He is my support system and my best friend the Lord could not have given me a better soul mate!
Day 3: Okay so this should have been my first for sure! But i am so grateful for my Lord and Savior! That he loves me unconditionally and gave his life for me! I am thankful that he is there through my times of sorrow and happiness and that he is constant in my life!
Day 4: I am so thankful for my mom and dad! God could not have given me a better set of parents! They are always supportive of us and everything we do even if they sometime question the outcome! I am most thankful that they did the most important job God gave them and that wa introducing me to him and teaching me about the Lord. Even though i may have lost my way for awhile i came back to what they instilled im me! Love you mom and dad!
Day 5: I am oh so thankful for my wonderful nephew! He is the sweetest little boy on earth! Teaching him songs like Jesus loves me and taking him to church on Sundays puts a smile on my face and warms my heart! Everytime i hear that little voice say " I lus you lee lee" i thank God for him right then and there!
Day 6: I am thankful for our home! We worked very hard to get where we are and im proud of what we have accomplished.
Day 7: I am thankful for my wonderful sister in law! We are always there for each other no matter what! She has accepted me into her family and over the years we have just dropped the "in law" all together. I have never had a sister before her and i couldnt ask for a better one!
Day 8: Codi!!!!! I am so thankful for her! Im not going to call her my best friend because she is so much more than that! We tell each other like it is and still love each other anyway! She is the friend i have known the longest and now we are family! And even though we are now legally family not much has changed because we were pretty much family before anyway! I love her!
Day 9: I am so super thankful for all of my wonderful customers through my sew cute creations by ashley page! If it were not for them we would not be able to afford our fertility treatments! Thank you Thank you Thank you!
Day 10: I am actually thankful for this blog! It has been such a wonderful outlet to get things off of my chest and to give others insight as to what someone dealing with infertility goes through. But most of all i am thankful that it has turned into a way to witness to others and spread the great news of our Lord and Savior!
Day 11: I am thankful for my church! It is where i have learned about the most important and wonderful thing in life and thats my Lord and Savior! It is a great place of fellowship and worship! Nothing like being spiritually fed!
Day 12: I am thankful for my dad! He has been a rock in my life and taught me things that i carried on into my adult hood! He started out teaching me how to ride a bike up to how to budget and save my money! He has been present through out my life and not very many have that anymore! I love him!
Day 13: I am thankful for each and every person who has reached out to me after reading my blog! Encouraging me and extending kind words and most of all sending prayers! Starting this blog i had no idea how much emotional support i would recieve! It is so rewarding to hear someone say that my life story has touched them in some way!
Day 14: I am thankful for klove 92.7!!! I know this sounds corney! lol but i donate and support this station because i love it so much! It has at times helped me through some rough patches! Anytime i turn it on i am overjoyed just to be able to sing along and praise my God!
Day 15: I am thankful for family! We are so lucky! My in-laws are amazing and so is my family! They are always there encouraging us and supporting us in our decisons but will also tell you things you need to hear when you dont want to hear it!
Day 16: I am thankful for my faith! Without it i would be hopeless and lost!
Day 17: I am thankful for my special friend that i can relate to and tell all of my infertility woes to!
Day 18: I am so thankful for all of the doors Jesus is opening up to us! New friendships! New possibilities!
Day 19: I am thankful for the talents God has blessed me with! I went through my life saying that there was nothing i was really good at and then came sewing! I know that i am in no way the best out there and that i still have alot to learn! But i love it and who would have thought the one talent i find that i have i can use to pay all of our cost to achieving parenthood! God is so good!
Day 20: I am thankful for thanksgiving! Mainly due to the fact that i get to pig out!!! But on top of that we get to spend wonderful time with our families!
Day 21: I am so thankful for Christmas! Not because of the gifts or food or family time! But because that is the wonderful day our savior was born and brought in this world with the purpose of saving our souls for eternity! Praise the Lord!
Psalm 30:11-12 (NAS) Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing; Thou hast loosed my sackcloth and girded me with gladness; That [my] soul may sing praise to Thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to Thee forever
Day 1: I am actually thankful for my infertility because it has brought me closer to my Savior than ever!
Day2: I am thankful for my wonderful husband! He is my support system and my best friend the Lord could not have given me a better soul mate!
Day 3: Okay so this should have been my first for sure! But i am so grateful for my Lord and Savior! That he loves me unconditionally and gave his life for me! I am thankful that he is there through my times of sorrow and happiness and that he is constant in my life!
Day 4: I am so thankful for my mom and dad! God could not have given me a better set of parents! They are always supportive of us and everything we do even if they sometime question the outcome! I am most thankful that they did the most important job God gave them and that wa introducing me to him and teaching me about the Lord. Even though i may have lost my way for awhile i came back to what they instilled im me! Love you mom and dad!
Day 5: I am oh so thankful for my wonderful nephew! He is the sweetest little boy on earth! Teaching him songs like Jesus loves me and taking him to church on Sundays puts a smile on my face and warms my heart! Everytime i hear that little voice say " I lus you lee lee" i thank God for him right then and there!
Day 6: I am thankful for our home! We worked very hard to get where we are and im proud of what we have accomplished.
Day 7: I am thankful for my wonderful sister in law! We are always there for each other no matter what! She has accepted me into her family and over the years we have just dropped the "in law" all together. I have never had a sister before her and i couldnt ask for a better one!
Day 8: Codi!!!!! I am so thankful for her! Im not going to call her my best friend because she is so much more than that! We tell each other like it is and still love each other anyway! She is the friend i have known the longest and now we are family! And even though we are now legally family not much has changed because we were pretty much family before anyway! I love her!
Day 9: I am so super thankful for all of my wonderful customers through my sew cute creations by ashley page! If it were not for them we would not be able to afford our fertility treatments! Thank you Thank you Thank you!
Day 10: I am actually thankful for this blog! It has been such a wonderful outlet to get things off of my chest and to give others insight as to what someone dealing with infertility goes through. But most of all i am thankful that it has turned into a way to witness to others and spread the great news of our Lord and Savior!
Day 11: I am thankful for my church! It is where i have learned about the most important and wonderful thing in life and thats my Lord and Savior! It is a great place of fellowship and worship! Nothing like being spiritually fed!
Day 12: I am thankful for my dad! He has been a rock in my life and taught me things that i carried on into my adult hood! He started out teaching me how to ride a bike up to how to budget and save my money! He has been present through out my life and not very many have that anymore! I love him!
Day 13: I am thankful for each and every person who has reached out to me after reading my blog! Encouraging me and extending kind words and most of all sending prayers! Starting this blog i had no idea how much emotional support i would recieve! It is so rewarding to hear someone say that my life story has touched them in some way!
Day 14: I am thankful for klove 92.7!!! I know this sounds corney! lol but i donate and support this station because i love it so much! It has at times helped me through some rough patches! Anytime i turn it on i am overjoyed just to be able to sing along and praise my God!
Day 15: I am thankful for family! We are so lucky! My in-laws are amazing and so is my family! They are always there encouraging us and supporting us in our decisons but will also tell you things you need to hear when you dont want to hear it!
Day 16: I am thankful for my faith! Without it i would be hopeless and lost!
Day 17: I am thankful for my special friend that i can relate to and tell all of my infertility woes to!
Day 18: I am so thankful for all of the doors Jesus is opening up to us! New friendships! New possibilities!
Day 19: I am thankful for the talents God has blessed me with! I went through my life saying that there was nothing i was really good at and then came sewing! I know that i am in no way the best out there and that i still have alot to learn! But i love it and who would have thought the one talent i find that i have i can use to pay all of our cost to achieving parenthood! God is so good!
Day 20: I am thankful for thanksgiving! Mainly due to the fact that i get to pig out!!! But on top of that we get to spend wonderful time with our families!
Day 21: I am so thankful for Christmas! Not because of the gifts or food or family time! But because that is the wonderful day our savior was born and brought in this world with the purpose of saving our souls for eternity! Praise the Lord!
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