I found myself questioning again. Asking is this my punishment? Have I done so much wrong that I am this undeserving? And here is my answer.
"God himself does not tempt anyone" (James 1:13). Every action of heaven has one aim; that you know God. ( this is from the book A Love Worth Giving)
Which just confims my belief that infertility is not a punishment for my past sins. It is just a way for my Lord and Savior to use me to show His works to the world.
And on the days when I break down and just plain out sob God is right there with me sitting beside me sobbing. How do I know this? "God of all healing counsel! He comes alongside us when we go through hard times" (2 Cor. 1: 3-4) When we weep God weeps, when we rejoice God rejoices! This is what real love is! And we should also practice this type of love daily. We are to love as Christ loves. He loved us even when people spit in his face and crucified him! Can you say that you would do the same? We are to love as Christ loves. Because we are human we have a hard time showing love as Christ does. But I am taking it as a personal challenge to practice this type of love. When I hear someone is pregnant I will fight the urge of jealousy. I will rejoice with them! And when/if I receive bad news from a fellow "infertil" of a failed attempt I will weep alongside them. I want to live in Gods image and be as much like Him as I can. For those who do not like me, I will love them and pray for them. For those who put me down I will lift them up in prayer. For those who say im undeserving I will pray that they are immersed with blessings. And for the times that I fail I will ask for my Father to raise me up back on sturdy ground. " Isn't it good to know that even when we don't love with the perfect love, He does"? Gods love is so important in my life! It is more important to me then having a baby, more important then even having my breath! He is the most important! When this life is over he is all that matters so as for me on this earth He is all that matters! " And, until love is stirred, let God's love be enough for you." ... " Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you... My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods" (Ps 63:3,5) The purpose for me writing all this is to express that I want to make sure I put nothing before my savior. I don't want to put becoming pregnant before him. I know that the Lord knows the desires of my heart to have a child, but within myself I want to make sure my desire to have a relationship with Him and a love for him comes first. This goes for anything in your life. Your desire for a relationship with Him should become before any other desire.
Now as long as the Lord puts it on my heart to continue to try have a child I will. So are you wondering about our "brown paper bag"? Well... its still empty sitting on the counter! Yes we still have not made it to the doctor. But the hubby and I had a free moment alone the other day (which has been rare recently) and he spotted the bag. At this moment the last thing on my mind was actually sitting down and having a VERY serious conversation, but God had other plans. :) As far as infertility talk the hubby hasnt gone to in depth with it all. He has asked basic need to know information/questions. I think its partly because he still is in a little bit of denial and does not want to accept the fact that we have in fact been trying for almost 2 years. But thats okay, he is entitled to deal with this in his own way and in Gods time. Anyway he mentioned the bag and I told him "Yeah we really need to get to that doctors appointment so we can get some answers and explore some options" he was quiet for a moment and then asked "What if it is me?" Me thinking he wanted to know what they would make him do told him that I wasnt real sure that they would either maybe give him some medication, maybe a small surgery, or some type of crazy procedure they do. Or that they would tell him that its just not an option for him to produce children. That last one is the one he was waiting for. He told me "Well thats not fair to you" which hit me like a ton of bricks! The wonderful love my husband has for me! At a time that is suppose to be about him he is thinking of me and whats fair to me. Im not sure what he was going to say next but I let him know right then and there that if in fact the doctor tells him that it is not possible for him to produce children that that is fine with me! Its not going to make me leave him for some guy that can produce! I told him that if that happens then it just means we explore our other options. Now we have talked a little about adoption but other things we have never spoken of ( and while he was so curious I took the opportunity to educate lol). We talked about sperm donors, adoption, embryo adoption, and even not parenting at all. We talked about each subject in detail.The pros, the cons, and the way it would effect our futures. We made sure and not make a decision on any subject we talked about to allow ourselves some time to soak it in and really think about each option and if its something we could deal with. As for me im a jump without thinking kind of girl when it come to having a child. Because I have ached over it, hearing me and baby in the same sentence its an immediate YES! Thats where God placed a wonderful level headed husband in my life to slow me down and make me think! Lol! I think that all of this is why we have not made it to the doctor with our "brown paper bag". I believe that God knew we needed to have this conversation and make a decision before we get to this appointment. If we were to go to this appointment and were to get an answer that was unexpected without having a decision made on what we are open to and what we are not I would have made a rash decision completely off of my emotions. I would have baby or bust on the brains and nothing else! Its wonderful how Gods plans work out! I know now that we needed this talk before we go in and Im thankful to my Savior for showing me how to stop forcing my plans and to wait on His!
"Patience is the red carpet upon which God's grace approaches us."- Max Lucado
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