First I will start off with an update, or lack there of. We still have not made it to the hubbys appointment. Being busy with the holidays, my husbands work schedual, and markets combined with Sew Cute we just have not had the time. Surprisingly I have not stressed about it and sometimes pass by the "famous" brown paper bag without even noticing it. Hopefully we will make it to the doctor soon. It is all in Gods time not ours. So when he decided its time everything will work out without a hitch.
On to another subject. I wanna talk a little bit about the cons of everyone knowing we are having trouble conceiving. Although we have recieved many blessings by sharing our story through encouraging words, prayers, and an out pour of information provided to us from anyone who has delt with infertility there are some downfalls. Now my entire family knows and because of that it has added some pressure. Im not going to be specific. But anytime I have a moment of "oh im really wanting ____ to eat" or "my back is hurting" or "my stomache hurts" the automatic response is "your pregnant", "you have to be pregnant" or "i bet anything your pregnant". Now I know this is all ment with well intent and coming from a good place. But everyday is a battle for me to NOT get my hopes up. Its a full time job in fact. Getting my hopes up make the disappointment that much worse. Its hard not to get your hopes up when someone is constantly telling you they just KNOW you are pregnant. I start to believe it and hit google up to check just in case this may in fact be a symptom. Which most of the time pregnancy symptoms are also symptoms that you can have with just about anything else including your cycle. I dont normally let it get my hopes up but there are those times that I want so bad to think that they are right.
And on to another subject. I actually stopped today and relized just how long it really has been that we have tried to achieve parenthood. When I think about it, when we first started trying a baby boom hit! Everyone was getting pregnant. Through that time I have seen not only others get pregnant but have there babies. Then I see pictures of that same babies 1st birthday and realize there is a whole other slew of women pregnant and I think will I still be trying when those babies are born or better yet when they are turning one also? While thinking of all this I told my mom "My window is shutting fast" She knew what I ment. And what I mean by that is Im knocking on thirtys door. My chances of becoming pregnant drop drastically once I turn thirty. Then they drop even more after thirty five and are close to non exsistant after forty. This realization hit me hard. I went in panic mode then into hopelssness mode then into uncontrollable crying mode.Remember in one of my previous blogs that I told you women dealing with infertility are pros at putting on a brave face? Well all of this hit me while out for the day with my mom and it took all of the strength I had to hold it all in until I got home. I guess in part of holding the emotions in for so long is why I had the magnitude of the break down I had tonight. Saddness mixed with emotional exhaustion equaled a crying fest like no other!! It just plain out sucks that I have no control over my reproductive organs that are not so productive. The actuality of me never becoming pregnant hit me is what happened. Its a hard thought to think. Picturing my life never carring a child. Its a down day for me. It does not mean that I have lost faith in my savior or dont believe that he has a wonderful plan for me. Its just a day that I allowed myself to succumb to the reality of my infertility. So what am I gonna do? Im going to allow myself to be sad for the rest of the night. Im going to pray to my wonderful Savior for understanding and strength. And then Im going to wake up tomorrow and BE STRONG! Tomorrow will not be a pity day. I know there will be more pity days but Im not going to let it consume my daily life. I cant do this everyday or I will just go back into being depressed. So like the old saying goes Im gonna pick myself up and dust myself off!
And even through my saddness of today I give God the glory. Glory to whatever devine plan it is that he has for my life. :)
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