So as you know I have talked several times about adoption. We are completely open to adopting BUT the cost of adoption is just out of our reach. We do not have 30 to 40 dollars laying around! I know that if Gods plan for us is to adopt that he will provide a way. As of now I have not hit the lotto or found a money tree. :) So I take that as this may not be the time for us.
It was made very clear during our PRIDE training sessions that unless we were open to fostering children, our application could sit untouched and unprocessed for up to a year. One trainer actually said, "Families unwilling to foster are, unfortunately, not a priority."
After reading the above comment from another blog it first made me angry. So I then dove into research on fostering. Most children placed in foster care are placed there with the chance that there biological parents will step up and get them back. So I think how would that affect my husband and myself? Having a child placed in our home (for who knows how long) and then the parents getting them back. Can i deal with a child being taken from us when that is all we want with all of our hearts? We are already in a way dealing with this in our life now and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. I know how bad it will hurt to raise a child as your own just to have them taken away. Part of me says do this for the children out there in need of a place to lay there heads, recieve the word of God, and know what it is like to be loved. But when that child leaves it leaves use empty. I dont know that I have the strength for that. If it is what God wants for us I will not stand in his way but I pray that he gives us the strength and understanding we will need. I think that if my Lord and Savior could sacrafice himself and go through what he did for us then I can sacrafice my own feelings for a child in need. We are still talking and praying about if this is something we are going to do. And there is a lengthy process that we will have to go through before a child is placed with us, so this is not happening tomorrow. Until then we will continue to try and become pregnant and continue to try and make it to our doctors appointment.
Most of my post are positive and speaking of strength that we have, but there are days that are filled with dispair and hopelessness. Days that I cry out God can you hear me!!?? Pleading him to fill my arms with a child for us to love. Days that I break down as a person. I am faced everyday with infertility! EVERYDAY! I never get a real break from it. No matter how much I try to have a day of not thinking about it, it always creeps into my mind. The question is how do I handle it that day. It does not matter how much I am excited for that person who just posted "the news" on facebook or the congrats I give when I meet someone with a new baby in there arms, the envy always makes its way in. I am not proud of that fact but it happens. I cant lie and say that it does not. The hopelessness come from trying and not becoming pregnant each month. Researching adoption to find you cant afford it. Researching foster care to find that the child may be taken from you after you are attached. It all seems like dead end roads. These last four simple sentences break me as a person. Fill my eyes with tears and my heart with dispair. But what can I do? The answer to that my friend is pray. That is all I can do. I have to go to my creator everyday and ask for strength. Strength is the one thing each person dealing with infertility needs the most. You have to have it everyday. It is the only thing that will get you through. I know that this blog is just kinna all over the place (like most of my blogs are) but im just spilling my feelings out into this blog. It is raw and you get my true feelings each time you read it. Please pray for us. Pray that whatever plan God has for us that he makes it apparent to us and gives us the strength to get through it.
Exodus 15:2The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation. He is my God, and I will praise him, my father's God, and I will exalt him
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