Jealousy!

Oh how jealousy has reared its ugly head today! Every person dealing with infertility experiances jealousy. Not particularly geared toward any one individual, but toward the fact that some do not have a hard time getting pregnant when we do. Its nothing personal and does not mean that we are not happy for others when the joyous moment occurs that we want so bad. But how does it affect us when it is closely related? Not just a status update or a new belly bump pic. When its a close family member that we truly want to be with every step of the way. Its hard and its shameful. Dealing with this myself I try so very hard to have the attitude of being as happy for them as I would want them to be for me. Its selfish to be jealous and take away from that persons time of joy because you cant deal. But still we are human and envy always finds its way in. So what did I do? I stayed in my pjs all day, cried on and off while watching americas next top model, and ate as much chocolate as I could stuff in my face. :) Then I gave myself a stern talking to. This person did nothing to me. She did not cause my infertility. And I need to practice the golden rule! Treat others as I want to be treated. If I were the one pregnant I would want everyone to throw a party! Shout with joy even! So Ill suck it up and put on my big girl undies! Share in this time of joy instead of take away from it with my own selfishness. This does not guarentee I will not have more all day pj days ahead but I will remind myself of the golden rule each time. And for those that have not experianced infertility I know that you must think "How can this girl be jealous of someone else who has nothing to do with her situation?" The only thing I can say is, in any situation, you dont know what a person goes through until you have experianced it yourself. Which has taught me to never judge the way a person handles a situation that I have not myself experianced. Its so easy to say how we would handle it if it were us until we actually come face to face with that situation. To give a little insight of the jealousy that triggered my own ugly day is coming to terms with the fact that my family members are going to go through all the fun of pregnancy with someone else, all the while me wishing so bad that it were me. ( I know! That sentence explodes selfishness!!) The heart beats, baby showers, name picking, nursery decorating, and all that comes with pregnancy. All the while trying to wish yourself in that spot. It truly is hard. But Im determined to join in the fun! And not sit back and miss it all just because Im feeling bad for myself. My day WILL come! I hang on to that with all that I am. And who am I to take someones joy that I long for?

So I look forward to the day that I get to see the look on my parents face when we get to tell them they are going to have another grandchild. I look forward to the day to see the look on my husbands face the first time we hear the heart beat ( or see the picture in the case of adoption) for the first time. I look forward to the day that we get to watch our child running down the isle for childrens church. I look forward to the day that I get to experiance VBS with my child. There first day on the bus! One thing I know for sure! I will soak in every single moment of parenthood when we finally achieve it! Appreciating every little moment!!

I feel ashamed for letting jealousy take me over at times! I wish it were a trait I could delete from my data base! But I am human! So the only thing I can do is ask my Savior to forgive me for giving in to jealousy and to turn me away from it when im not strong enough to turn myself. My ONLY strength comes for God and God alone! Without Him I would never survive through this.

For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice James 3:16

My verse of hope for today! He is my escape and will not give me anything Im not able to endure! :)

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13