The emotional rollar coaster!

Lately I have found myself on a rollar coaster of emotions! Up one minute and down the next! I find myself sobbing! Like ugly cry face sobbing! But its only when Im in the car... Weird I know. I guess it is because it is a time that I am alone with myself and dont have to worry about a visitor or the hubby popping in. Its just a place that I can really let it go!! After, I actually feel better, kinna like I have released something I have been holding in for so long. So if you see my car coming down the road, watch out! My eyes may be blurred with tears! Lol! And you might just catch a glimps of my ugly cry face! Hahaha! But the thing is I can't pin point where this devastating crying is coming from! I mean I know its all about the infertility and the longing for a baby. But there has to be a specific thing that I am holding on to and not giving to the Lord to be crying like this! I just cant figure out what exactly it is. Now dont get me wrong! Im not writing this as a pity party call! I dont want anyone to think that I am writing this to get comments of " Oh you poor thing you"! I mainly write these to give you some insight as to what the infertil wanna be mother goes through daily but also to share my faith through my sorrow! It is very important that this blog comes across, to everyone who reads it, that my main focus is to give glory to God through it all. Not to bring attention to myself. He is in fact the giver of life and the plan maker! You are witnessing God working directly in my life each time you read my blog. ( even if the end result is not us becoming parents)

I have some personal things going on in my life that makes wanting to become a mother so much harder. I know that this is contributing to my rollar coaster of emotions. I am deep in prayer over this matter and hopelessly looking to the Lord to take care of this for me!

I know in my past blogs I have talked about several different options that myself and the hubby have talked about. Things we are deciding if we are open to or not. Well I have made a definate decision on one matter. Fostering. After much prayer and much thought on the matter, this is just something I can not do. Even if it bumps us up on adoption list and such. I can not take a child into this home with the risk of the parent getting them back. I know that that is the whole purpose of fostering. To take care of a child while a parent tries to get it together so they can get them back. It would literally break me as a human being to raise a child in our home and then have him/her taken from us. I just cant do that. The people who can, I praise God for you! You are truly selfless individuals with a heart so large and full of love it is amazing! God will bless you ten fold!!!!!!!!!! As much as I would love to say I am one of those people I can not lie and say that I am. I KNOW that this would cause depression in myself and could affect my marriage! So out of the stacks of decisions we are going to have to make here in one that is made! It feels nice to have a plan to really think about each option and make honest decisions about each before jumping in! It eases my worries that we may make a rash decision out of the pure longing of parenthood.

This blog is all over the place! Lol! Kinna like my emotions! I never thought I would be 26 years old sitting awake at 2 in the am writing a blog about my longing for a child and my ever growing relationship with the Lord. I remember the simpler days when I was 15 and my biggest worry was the Thursday night track meet. Talking with friends about oneday when I have kids im gonna name them Maddison and Mason. Oh I had it all planned out! Never thinking when I grow up im gonna cry my eyes out longing for A child! Lucky if I get one of the two. Ha! Like not only did I have the decision making over if I had a child and how many I would have, But I also had the ability to choose that I have a boy and a girl! LOL Boy was I wrong! But I have to remind myself even back then my Heavenly Father had a special plan for me! He probably laughed a little saying to himself I have a much better plan for her then this Maddison/Mason plan she has! And so I wait for the big reveal of the miraculous plan my Savior has for me and pray all the while that he takes hold of these emotions that I myself have no ability of controlling.

I know yall probably think this girl is starting to go a little coo-coo! But bear with me! You will all take part in the big reveal of Gods plan along with me! I will make sure and keep this blog going until his plan prevails!

"And those who have knowledge of Your Name will put their faith in You; because you, Lord, have ever given Your help to those who were waiting for you." Psalms 9:10

"I am waiting for the Lord, my soul is waiting for Him, and my hope is in His Word." Psalms 130:5