So last week waiting on the results was not all that bad, mainly because I had getting our car on my mind all week as a distraction. But NOW!! Its all I think about! I run through my head how I will react if the answer is this or that. I feel like the jeopardy "waiting for an answer" song is playing in my head at all times! Then I had a moment today! One Im not proud of BUT I took control of myself and did not let the emotions take over! But I had the strong urge to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream "Im tired of waiting" "I just want a baby already". "Why is this taking so long" ect! I literally allowed myself to imagine myself doing this... of course I didnt actually throw this fit and I felt guilty for even thinking these thoughts! But its just something I felt today. I know that God has a plan for me and that its not gonna come a day early or a day later than He plans. Its just hard to understand when you want something so bad! I guess I just have my bad, doubtful, and sometimes shameful days. Today was one of those! I felt hopeless today, I felt angry at our bodies for not "working", I felt impatient, and most of all sad! I try my best to stay positive and have an outlook that things can be much worse but I cant explain the sadness that creeps in. The things that most pregnant women complain of such as vomiting, back aches, swollen feet, headaches, etc etc etc!! Im so sad because I dont have those!
Not long ago I got to bring someone special to babies r us and because she was pregnant we got to park in the "pregnant parking" spots. As I sat in the car and looked at the sign ahead of me and the plain ol parking spot behind us in the rear view I thought "well that spot really isnt that much farther than this special one" But in reality for me that plain ol spot is a whole lot farther away from the special spot then I ever expected! I mean really parking in that pregnant parking spot is not that big of a deal to someone who is pregnant. Most likely the thought that there is someone who wants to be able to claim this spot so badly but cant never crosses there mind. Its just a parking spot. Well that simple parking spot can bring sadness to someone who is dealing with infertility. Something as simple and silly as a parking spot.
Some days I feel like giving up and telling myself Im okay with not having kids. It will be so much less heart ache if I just stop trying for something I clearly cant have. But telling myself that LIE will only make things worse. I cleaned out my bathroom cabinet the other night. I threw away boxes and boxes of pregnancy and ovulation test. I dont want to even see them when I open the cabinet. Looking at one makes me sick because of how much sadness those little test have brought me for the past 18 months. Not to mention how much money I have just thrown in the trash. From now own I will only buy a test if my period is over 3 days late. No more spending $60 to $100 dollars a month on test. I literally have paid to make myself cry every month!!!
Sometimes I sit here and stare at my blog not knowing what to write... At a loss for words... I feel like Im stuck and have nothing new to tell yall. Im just a broken record saying the same thing over and over again. But my message remains the same... Im sad most of the time... My heart and body feel broken most of the time... I have spouts of jealousy alot of the time... But my faith is not broken! I trust God has a plan! I know He will prevail in my life and comfort me if things dont go as I planned them to! And I will continue to SMILE even though Im crying on the inside!
"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3
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