Upcoming Appointment...

So the nurse called me today and my appointment for my follicle scan is set for February 9th. I don't really understand exactly all that we are doing at this appointment or why we are doing this before other testing but Ive come to realize that I need to just let go and let God! I have google stressed myself to the max on what to expect at this appointment and have exhausted myself! So here is what the nurse told me... I will come in on the 9th and they will do an ultrasound to see if I'm producing healthy follicles along with healthy eggs. The next part is where I get confused ( but I'm gonna have faith that the doctors know what they are doing and so does God) This is what I get from what she told me but am not sure exactly lol. If I'm producing healthy follicles and eggs they will schedule for an HSG or something like that. Basically they will insert a dye  along with an x-ray to see if I have any blockages in my Fallopian tubes and such. If I am not producing healthy follicles or eggs they will put me on clomid and give me this shot that they sent me in the mail to jump start ovulation. Of the two I'm hoping for the latter of the two. Mainly because I'm scared of the HSG procedure.

Infertility is truly a roller coaster ride! I feel like there are moments of good news and excitement that are immediately followed with bad news and depression. I look forward to this appointment! I feel like I have been standing still so long waiting on these appointments to get started and we have hit the ground running! Everything is happening so fast that my thought process of what is going on is in jambles! The nurse overwhelms me when she talks. After her first sentence I feel like the rest of the conversation is her talking in a barrel with me trying to decipher what she is telling me! I cant wait to get to this appointment to slow things down and get out all the questions is have.

Now because I tell every emotion I have through this blog I have to tell you what has been going on the past couple of days. Since the husband has found out all is well in his fertility he has let it go to his head a little. And with me still not knowing my verdict I have let jealousy get the best of me. The day we received his results he was strutting his stuff bragging on himself ( which I now find completely adorable ) but at the time it completely hurt my feelings. I told him to stop bragging that there was nothing wrong with him and that I was the problem. Although that was not at all what he was saying in the emotional state I was in that is how I perceived it. It caused a little bit of a fuss between us that we both had to later apologize for, but I guess those are both legitimate feelings we all have that are dealing with infertility. He now realizes that at that moment it was insensitive of him to celebrate his good news while I was dealing with my bad news. And I realize that I need to be happy for my husband and excited with him. I know he would be for me. After our little fuss he looked at me and told me "I wish it would be something wrong with me and not you, I would take if on if I could" that moment melted my heart and made me realize once again what a wonder man God placed in my life. I have no doubt that God chose us specially for each other.


I have grown so much in my Spiritual walk through this experience. I have felt Gods presence with me every step of the way. He has been there to pick me up when I could not stand on my own. He has been there to hold my hand when I am sad and scared! My love for my Savior is indescribable. He has brought us this far in our journey and I know that He will continue to guide us in all aspects of our life as long as we keep allowing Him to and seeking Him for His guidance. If you do not have a relationship with the Lord I strongly urge you to do so! Seek Him! He is waiting for you to call on Him! Even though we have to deal with the consequences of our sins God is there to make them easier, to guide you through them, so that your not wandering aimlessly blinded with darkness of sin! He can take those sins away! He has already paid the price for them He is just waiting on you to turn them over to Him!

1 Corinthians 2:3

And I was with you in weakness and in fear and much trembling,

1 Corinthians 2:4-5 

And my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God.

Psalm 1:1-6 

Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither. In all that he does, he prospers. The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away. Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment, nor sinners in the congregation of the righteous; ...

Isn't it Ironic

So ever since the nurse told me I have to call her on the first day of my period I have been waiting for it to come! I have spent so many months praying for it to not come and breaking down when it does and now here I sit waiting for it!! Don't get me wrong! I will be ecstatic if it does not come and I am in fact pregnant! That would be the ultimate blessing!! But I still find it ironic that the one thing I have been warding off like the plague Im now waiting for!

Im nervous! This process is an emotional up and down series of events!  Being stressed and worried waiting on the results from the hubbys test.. finally getting them and being happy right back to being worried and stressed over the next appointment. Ive come to realize that there is probably going to be alot more of these ups and downs! Right now Im excited to see the ultrasound of my follicles! With either an up or down to follow depending on those results. Im trying to mentally prepare myself. Obviously there is going to be something wrong otherwise we would not have an issue getting pregnant. But along with this I have a massive feeling of being "broken"! I feel like my body is "broken" because it is not doing what its made to do! I feel like my heart is "broken" because I can not make our family grow! I have to stand strong in my faith and Gods plan for me! The feelings of all this brokenness can cause one to become depressed. If I let go I know that this can become wreck less and cause brokenness in other areas of my life. Its exhausting! I feel like I need to exhale but cant! That if I do finally exhale I will allow myself to be at that vulnerable state that could cause me to shatter!

I know I have talked about an infertility get together several times throughout my blogs. Well the planning has started. We are looking towards late spring early summer. We are in talks of having a wonderful lady that all of us can relate to open, a small devotional, and a share your story time (if you would like to share) followed but refreshments. The one thing I look forward to the most in this event is learning Gods word on dealing with infertility and the strength and peace He provides for us and forming a sisterhood with others who know the shoes you walk in. I have met so many great girls through this process that have been there for me to lift me up while I have been down. To share with me there experiences and learn from each other. If you would like to attend please get in contact with me through facebook or text! It will be a true blessing and a great opportunity to feel love and support from others dealing with infertility!


"For nothing is impossible with God" (Luke 1:37)

The official update...

The nurse called today and told me that everything is A-OK with the hubby! I was so happy! Then she started to tell me what the next steps would entail and while she was talking it hit me! If he is okay then that must mean something is wrong with me! My happiness suddenly turned into sadness and I started to get overwhelmed with all that she was saying. She started rambling off questions like when and how long is your cycle, what day do you ovulate, how long have yall been trying and I could hear myself almost roboticly answering the questions. It became so overwhelming that I started to cry when she told me she would call me back! When I got off the phone I cried like I never have before! I guess I had just been preparing myself subconsciously that it would be male factor infertility. I dont know why. After talking with my mom on the phone and letting myself cry it out I realized that this is what I wanted. ANSWERS! And for the ball to get rolling. This is part of Gods plan for us and me sitting around in self pity is not going to get me anywhere.

So the nurse called me back after talking with the doctor on what the plan is for our next step. I will have to call them on the first day of my period and they will schedule an appointment for me 12 days from that day so they can do an ultrasound to see if I am producing healthy follicles while ovulating. ( I never in a million years thought my first ultrasound would be of follicles and not a baby!!) She did not say anything about blood work but im assuming they will be doing this also. Which I am the most terrified from!! I have never had blood drawn and only one IV in which they completely numbed my hand so I didnt feel a thing. But as I have said before I will do whatever I have to do to achieve parenthood! So bring on the needles! Anyway when they take a look at my follicles they will see if they are healthy or not. If not they will put me on Clomid that will help improve the follicle quality. If I do have healthy follicles they will do an HSG (which is out of our budget and we will have to save awhile for) which is where they put a dye in my Fallopian tubes to look for any blockages and flush my tubes. And this is just our FIRST step! I would be lying if I told you that Im not scared! But Im also hopeful! I feel like we are officially on the road to parenthood.

This journey so far has been an emotion roller coaster! But even through the down days alot of great things have come out of this! The first is the strength I have found in my relationship with my Savior! My marriage has become stronger and brought us closer than I thought we ever could be! I have made some AMAZING friends through this process! And I have received so many encouraging words and so much love from each of you that read our blog! We feel your prayers working in our lives and love you guys so much!

I want to take the time to thank each and everyone of you who have been praying for the hubby and for us both while waiting on his results! I thank the Lord Jesus for answered prayers! Please pray for me as we embark on the next step in this journey!

Genesis 1:22God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the water in the seas, and let the birds increase on the earth."

Genesis 12:2-3
"I will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you."

I feel like the Jeopardy Song plays constanly in my head!

So last week waiting on the results was not all that bad, mainly because I had getting our car on my mind all week as a distraction. But NOW!! Its all I think about! I run through my head how I will react if the answer is this or that. I feel like the jeopardy "waiting for an answer" song is playing in my head at all times! Then I had a moment today! One Im not proud of BUT I took control of myself and did not let the emotions take over! But I had the strong urge to throw myself on the floor and kick and scream "Im tired of waiting" "I just want a baby already". "Why is this taking so long" ect! I literally allowed myself to imagine myself doing this... of course I didnt actually throw this fit and I felt guilty for even thinking these thoughts! But its just something I felt today. I know that God has a plan for me and that its not gonna come a day early or a day later than He plans. Its just hard to understand when you want something so bad! I guess I just have my bad, doubtful, and sometimes shameful days. Today was one of those! I felt hopeless today, I felt angry at our bodies for not "working", I felt impatient, and most of all sad! I try my best to stay positive and have an outlook that things can be much worse but I cant explain the sadness that creeps in. The things that most pregnant women complain of such as vomiting, back aches, swollen feet, headaches, etc etc etc!! Im so sad because I dont have those!

Not long ago I got to bring someone special to babies r us and because she was pregnant we got to park in the "pregnant parking" spots. As I sat in the car and looked at the sign ahead of me and the plain ol parking spot behind us in the rear view I thought "well that spot really isnt that much farther than this special one" But in reality for me that plain ol spot is a whole lot farther away from the special spot  then I ever expected! I mean really parking in that pregnant parking spot is not that big of a deal to someone who is pregnant. Most likely the thought that there is someone who wants to be able to claim this spot so badly but cant never crosses there mind. Its just a parking spot. Well that simple parking spot can bring sadness to someone who is dealing with infertility. Something as simple and silly as a parking spot.

Some days I feel like giving up and telling myself Im okay with not having kids. It will be so much less heart ache if I just stop trying for something I clearly cant have. But telling myself that LIE will only make things worse. I cleaned out my bathroom cabinet the other night. I threw away boxes and boxes of pregnancy and ovulation test. I dont want to even see them when I open the cabinet. Looking at one makes me sick because of how much sadness those little test have brought me for the past 18 months. Not to mention how much money I have just thrown in the trash. From now own I will only buy a test if my period is over 3 days late. No more spending $60 to $100 dollars a month on test. I literally have paid to make myself cry every month!!!

Sometimes I sit here and stare at my blog not knowing what to write... At a loss for words... I feel like Im stuck and have nothing new to tell yall. Im just a broken record saying the same thing over and over again. But my message remains the same... Im sad most of the time... My heart and body feel broken most of the time... I have spouts of jealousy alot of the time... But my faith is not broken! I trust God has a plan! I know He will prevail in my life and comfort me if things dont go as I planned them to! And I will continue to SMILE even though Im crying on the inside!

"But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, be patient! For it will surely take place. It will not be late by a single day." Habakkuk 2:3

An update... but not really an update!

So in the past weeks with the purchase of a new car, some unexpected financial struggles, and a negative pregnancy test I have been somewhat of an emotional wreck at times! Then I get a phone call! A phone call from the DOCTOR!! I was so nervous.... 1. because I missed the call and 2. I had to check the voicemail. I was standing in the middle of a car lot with the sun beating down only adding to all of a sudden sweat that had broken out! I excused myself to my car so I could listen to the voicemail in privacy and  I thought well if I get bad news at least Im getting rid of this car so that it wouldnt be a constant reminder. After finally finding the courage to JUST LISTEN TO IT ALREADY!!  It was not news I expected. They told me that there had been a delay in the results. That it would take another week or two before they would be calling me with the results. I dont know how I feel about this.... On one hand I think maybe they just had some set backs in the office and are backed up?? Right? on the other hand I think maybe something is wrong... something that made them have to do further testing.... that she couldnt tell me over voicemail. Yet I cant bring myself to call and ask. I know its crazy! I feel like its just one to two more weeks I can wait... Im good at waiting!! But I could just call and get it over with. I guess I feel confused and stressed not only from this but other things going on. So I turn to God. To give me strength to be patient... wisdom to understand (even if its something I dont want to hear)... and peace with whatever path is set before us. The best I can do is stay focused on Jeremiah 29:11. God has a plan for us! It is already set out for us we are just blindly trusting him along this journey. This does not mean however that I dont have my moments of doubt and question God if He really does have a special plan for me.... and I question how long Ill have to wait to see this plan prevail... I know that this is Satan getting in my head, pushing doubts in my mind! These are the times that I rely on my Hevenly Father the most! Soooo..... as soon as I get official results I will let all of you know!!

The next portion I got from a website by this link http://christianpf.com/trusting-god/

I should be just as confident that things are going to work out when they look crazy as when everything looks fine and dandy. The opposite is true as well. Even though things look peaceful and calm, that is not an indication of security. Our security comes from God. It is not at all dependent on what is going on around us. Whether it is the economy, our finances, our children, our marriages, we can (and should) trust God with all of it.

Romans 8:28
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Praying for the Roth Family!

Dealing with infertility is one thing, dealing with the loss of a child is a whole nother! I know the pain of wanting a child... and at times it is unbearable. But watching a child struggle and dealing with the loss of a child is devastating to say the least. ( If you have not heard about Tripp and his story please look up the blog "EB"ing a mommy) My heart breaks for Courtney and the pain she is going through at this time. And sadly it will probably only get worse before it gets any better. For the last two years and eight months her life has consisted of all things Tripp. Loving him, caring for him, and never giving up. And now that has all changed. I know she is feeling a tremendous amount of loss and probably alot of what to do in her daily routine now. But the thing I most admire about her is her unfailing faith and trust in our all powerful God! At a time of struggle or loss is when our faith is normally most tested, but not with Courtney! Her testimony and Tripps are all in Gods plan! Tripps life did not go without purpose! God used his little life as a testimony! He has reached people all over the country and with reaching them he has also told them about God without ever even speaking! How awesome is that??? Just by hearing of him and reading his mothers blog, each person that has read her blog has heard the love of Jesus! As hard as it was to see the unbearable pain Tripp had to deal with in his little life it leaves me awestruck to think of the pain that Jesus went through on the cross for our sins. The torture and pain Jesus went through does not compare to any pain any human being has ever gone through on this earth! He did that for us! Accepting Jesus in our hearts and living in His image brings us eternal life. So that Him dying on that cross for us does not go in vain! Think of it this way. If you had a surgery to remove one of your kidneys to give to someone to save there life and they denied it you would feel as if you went through all of that pain and recovery for nothing. Well Jesus feels like that when you do not accept Him as your Savior and live your life for Him. I know without a doubt that little Tripp is in heaven with Jesus and all His glory! Free of pain and suffering! But his mommy and family are left here for the time being dealing with the pain and suffering of his loss. Please take to time to lift them in prayer. To give them strength and peace in there time of dispair.

Psalm 27:4-5
One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock.

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit

A pushy car salesman pushing the wrong nerve of an infertil!

So some of you know that I bought my car a year ago with the mindset that we were buying it to fill up with kids! I jumped the gun, bought an eight passenger car, and quickly realized it was going to be a littler harder than I thought to load it down with kiddos. So I feel like its just and ugly everyday reminder to me that it is a big huge EMPTY car! To be honest it depresses me to drive it knowing that Im the only one taking up any space in this huge vehicle! I know that its all in my head and a mind thing! But I just want it gone!

So we have been looking into getting a smaller used vehicle. I started looking around and have come across several that I like! And then I found the Nissan Rouge! And its the one! The one I just HAVE to have! LOL So we went to Royal Nissan with the idea of looking at some used Rouges. A very nice salesman came out and asked us if he could help us. He immediately started pushing a BRAND NEW CAR! And not a just a Rouge he wanted us to drive every new car they had. I told him many times that we were not interested in NEW we wanted USED and that I was not even sure if I would be buying a car that day. Im the type of person that likes to sleep on a decision before I make it when it comes to finances. He said that was fine and that he had nothing to do for the rest of the day! Long story short we got there at 10 am and left at 7 pm! He almost physically did not let us leave. I came the closet I have ever been to buying something that I kept saying I did not want to buy! A brand new 2012 Nissan Rouge. He had us all the way down to the only thing we had to do was sign our name on this little line and take the key. I popped into reality at that moment and told him that I just couldn't make this large of a purchase. He asked me what else I could possibly have to purchase that would cost this much and that buying this car would not affect me. ( as if he knows me personally) He had been saying all day yall don't have anything better to spend this much money on, it might as well be a car. Well finally I told him actually we do. We have fertility cost that will be hitting us hard this year and I just cant responsibly buy this car knowing the type of financial struggle we are going to face this year. And do you know what this man (who has a ten week old baby at home along with a three year old) told me!?! And I quote "Having a baby is just not that important" He actually said those words to me! I became angry and told him he had no idea what its like to scrape yourself off the floor every month for two years with having a baby being the most important thing in your life. Now I know he is a salesman and really wanted to make this sell. But being plain out insensitive caught me off guard. I let my anger get the best of me and ended up leaving in tears. He said ugly things to us and I just left out to get in the car. He then actually put a pen in my husbands hand and told him just sign the paper she is upset now but she will be happy after you just buy it for her. Sometime you have to do things behind your wife's back to make them happy! My husband told him "you don't know my wife" lol I just could not believe this guy! If i had $25,000 cash I would not buy a car from this guy! I had to share this! Its just ridiculous how insensitive some can be when it comes to infertility. And this is why most dealing with infertility are scared to share there story! Fear of the mean, insensitive, uneducated comments others can make! After cooling off  I realize that this guy probably has no idea what type of struggle is it dealing with infertility. And with the fact that he told us he has two children we know that he does not know what its like to want a child so badly. Although I let anger get the best of me at first I pray for this guy. To give him understanding of the struggles others go through in life and the knowledge to be thankful for the blessings that came so easily to him.

Anyways! I know that from the start I have talked about starting a support group for others out there dealing with infertility. Today at church my mom was asked if some of the ladies could contact me to pray for me which gave me an idea. I think that I want to have a get together at my church. We would meet, eat, talk, pray, and have a small devotional. I would like for it to be where anyone who is dealing with infertility or has dealt with infertility to  come and meet. And not just us infertile but our mothers/mother in laws too if they would like to come. It affects them too! If you would like to share your story you could or just listen. It will be an opportunity to hear success story's and relate to those going through what you are going through. If you don't want to share of course you would not have to. I have always said that its good to talk to others about infertility and not keep it bottled up but its just something else to talk to those who are in your shoes. Its almost like a sisterhood! You just KNOW what they are feeling! It will be a great opportunity to have some great ladies praying for you and a great group of girl to become friends with, to help you through those days that are almost unbarable! I have not set a date or talk with someone to lead the bible study but if you would be interested in coming please message me on facebook or by text if you have my number or you can email me ash_potater@yahoo.com

Matthew 18:20

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

Update

So I have received several text today about our appointment and decided to do a blog to let all of you know how our appointment went today.

We woke up today and the hubby was not in the best of moods! ( to say the least ) The nerves were getting to him I guess. But we forged on! And his mood improved on the way there. I guess he figured we had to to get it done so he might as well have a good attitude about it! Which ended up in one of the MOST hilarious days of our marriage this far! I wont go into detail for his sake ;) but he seems to be able to make any situation funny! lol  After we got to the doctors office .. well you know .. and we talked over with the nurse all the details. She told us that it will take 3 to 5 days for the results to come in and that we should know by Friday! I let out a sigh of relieve and instantly felt like Im holding my breath again! Now its the waiting game. Preparing for whatever answers we receive. BUT at least there will be some answers and then we can continue with further appointments if needed. At first I started to pray that there be nothing wrong and that we just become pregnant. That we just weren't doing the timing right or something. And then I realized that I praying for the wrong thing. I need to be praying that Gods will be done. Even if that includes something being wrong and trials for us to face. Because that would be His plan not mine. Then I continued to pray that if the answers we receive are not the ones WE want then to give us the strength and understanding to bring us through. I still stand Strong in my faith. That whatever His plan is, is more masterful than we can imagine. Even if it includes some struggles and strife.

Im very thankful that this appointment is over. It feels like we are moving! Not standing still anymore! Thank you to all of you who are praying for us! Remember in your own life that when things are tuff, turn to Jesus. Let Him lead you. It may seem that everything is going wrong (believe me I know) but when you seek Jesus you will have peace that through the strife God is there leading you right out of it!

I will let you all know as soon as the results come in! Thank you for all of your prayers, comments, texts, and messages! And thank you for following our blog!!!

Isaiah 41:10

10 Fear not, for I am with you;

Be not dismayed, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you,

Yes, I will help you,

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Lets try this again!

Just a short update.... Wednesday is the day! We will be going to our first appointment. We have made the decision to not let anything stand in our way of this appointment. No matter what is going on we are going to take the time to go Wednesday morning! If it means missing out on some special event or getting in trouble at work for coming in late, we are going!! Im excited! Hopefully by Friday we will have the results. Im going to take this week to mentally prepare myself for the answers we receive. It can only go one of two ways. And with no other nice way to put it, it will either be something wrong with him or me. Please pray for us this week. Even if the answer is bad news at least it is still an answer! So the famous brown paper bag will be making its appearance Wednesday morning and will no longer sit on my kitchen counter as a constant reminder that we have not even hit the tip of the iceberg yet! And it could not come at a better time. Lately the hubby and I have started to mentally drain ourselves, not that it has caused problems in our marriage but , there is a strain there. I get easily aggravated because Im frustrated all the time for not being able to "fix" the problem. And the hubby is coming to terms with the fact that there is a problem. He has had the mentality of if he doesnt think about it then theres not a problem and it will just fix its self. I think with two years of infertility coming up he has realized that plan is not going to work. So here we go! We are hitting the next leg of the race and our journey is looking all uphill from here with no finish line in sight.... YET! I know that God already knows where we are headed and what struggles we are going to face on this journey. Which helps me feel better because I know the only plans He has for us are great ones!!

I know that once we start this journey with the doctors that my mind will at times get clouded. Wanting a child so badly will over take some of my decision making skills. My goal is to remember to always love the Lord first. Not LOVE having a child or my husband or anything for that matter. It is the first commandment!

Matthew 22:37-40 - Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind

All of it, not some of it! So I will try and make sure daily He is my focus and that anything I do is only in His glory, His time, and by His plan! Please continue to pray and I will update you all on our results as soon as we get them! BYE BYE BROWN PAPER BAG THAT PLAGUES ME!! ;)

Fighting the urge of self pity!

So for the past two weeks I have stayed shut up  in my house letting myself sink into a depression! I did get out 3 of those days but it did not help relieve the feelings Im having. I wake up each morning telling myself that I may as well stay in bed because I have no reason to get up. No purpose! I thought about maybe getting a job, but that would not cure these feelings because the only job I want is to be a mother! So I continued to mope all week alternating from couch to bed. Wasting my days away. I still think about what if we dont have a child? What will I do with the rest of our lives? I know this sounds crazy but it is really how I feel. There is a positive outcome of my two weeks down! I took the two weeks to soak myself in the pages of a book! A book called 1001 BABY NAMES! Lol And as a result we have our boy and girl name now set in stone! :) I will be keeping those a secret until the wonderful day of parenthood arrives! I have to let yall have a little suspense! Lol. I found myself this week asking God "Is this your plan"? "How can this be your plan for me"? Im thankful for my infertility because it has taught me what a true relationship with the Lord really is. It has built my faith but I still falter and doubt! Asking God "Ive learned that my relationship with you was not where it needed to be" But Im here now humble and faithfully waiting. How much longer do I have to wait God?" And then I have that reminder pop into my head

Jeremiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I have realized that I have let my life focus on baby baby baby again! When God should be my focus! I could be missing out on a wonderful plan he has for me by being a baby myself, by staying home and sulking. So hello world! Im back out and about! And what happens as soon as I get out and about socializing again?? I have a wonderful talk with a friend that raises and interesting proposal. To become a CASA! A court appointed special advocate!

CASA volunteers are appointed by judges to advocate for the best interests of abused and neglected children in court and other settings.

I would help with children in foster care that are going through court proceedings. Being there voice and helping to support them emotionally. I love that I will be helping children going through one of the toughest times but at the same time they will help me through one of mine. Being able to show a child love and support is what I want. Ive just been to busy focusing on that being MY child. Not thinking that I could do that very thing with children who need a special someone in there life. Even if it is just for a short time.
Im still considering this. And there are training courses that I will have to go through but Im really liking this proposal. I will pray for Gods guidance and if this is where he wants me to be. I think about meeting a child and maybe being the only person to ever mention Jesus and His love for them through a ruff time in there life.

Im also thinking that I may volunteer at an orphanage. Having worship time with them and sharing my love of crafts with them. I am in search of an orphanage in our area. Which are rare these days with so many foster homes. But we think we may have found one is Mississippi. It would be a drive but where ever He leads Ill go! :)

So moral of my two week mope? I do have a purpose! I just have to stop being narrow minded and think that my ONLY purpose is the one I think I should have.

Remedy for Shatterd Hopes

A huge bottle of super glue (a.k.a FAITH) and a broom (a.k.a GOD) to pick up the pieces!

WARNING: This blog may contain TMI for some :)

So in my last blog I talked about how I had told myself that I would be pregnant by 2012 all year and that December was my last month for that chance. As the month went on my hopes began to build! And when new years eve came I couldnt believe it!! Still no period. I tried all month to not get excited and to not get my hopes up. I made sure and not even voice my excitement in fear that I may jinx myself!! On new years eve day I started to think about how great it would be that I actually achieved pregnancy in the last month of 2011!!!! Me and the hubby stayed in on new years eve! Sitting on the couch waiting for the count down! Ten minutes til i decided to make a trip to the restroom before the new year hit and devastation occured! My period came! I hated that I let myself get so excited and that I had let my hopes build so high! It only set me up for a bigger disappointment! I had ten minutes to regain my composure and enjoy my new year with my husband which seemed impossible. But I have had lots of experience over that last year on picking myself up with Gods help! So we did not achieve parenthood in 2011 and I brought in 2012 with the reminder of not being pregnant and what I will probably experience alot more of in 2012!

Yesterday me and the hubby spent the whole day together relaxing. I have had an earache for a little while now, I randomly told him "I wish this earache would go away" and he replyed "I wish you were pregnant". It caught me off guard and reminded me that this affects him just as much as it affects me. Even though he does not show his depair in not becoming a father he feels it! That breaks my heart. On our wedding day I never thought we would be here yearning to be parents so badly.

As I read and hear everyones hopes for 2012 it makes me think of our own upcoming year. Im sure it will be filled with tons of uncomfortable doctors appointments, negative pregnancy test, tears and fears, financial struggles, depression here and there, lots of long talks with special friends, and questions each month from family on if we are pregnant yet. But my hopes for 2012 are answers to our infertility, peace in times of despair, strength in our marriage through our journey, a stronger glorifying relationship with our Savior, and by Gods grace a pregnancy!!

My favorite bible verse that I know I will think of daily is Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I wish all of you joy, peace, and happiness in 2012! But most of all I wish and pray for any of you that do not know the Lord to seek Him!