Under Satans Attack

Today I had a breakdown. Out of the blue I became consumed with jealousy, saddness, and anger. I started to cry uncontrollably. I sometimes sit and think of how I yearn to know the feeling of a little piece of me and the hubbys little creation tumbling inside of me. The feeling of giving birth and seeing the little face look up at me that would look just like his or her daddy or mommy. I think of all the things I would teach him or her. The daily routine I would fall into and the purpose to this life I would finally gain. When these thought hit me I start the "why?" "why cant I experiance this?" "what did I do to not deserve this gift in life?" When all of this hits me I know I am under attack of the devil! I know he is testing my faith and wanting me to blame God. I must be at a weak point in my spiratual walk because the devil is attacking me daily at this point! I came across a very good friend of mines blog and right at the moment I needed it the song You lift me up started to play! It helped me through this battle with the devil! At that moment I started to pray for the Lord to lift me up out of this despair. Our God is so good! I know that all I had to do is go to him in prayer and that he will take over this battle for me! The devil did not win in testing my faith! He only made me run to my glorious God!

Psalm 46:1 (KJV) ” God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble “.

How true is that! He is there waiting on our call for help!

I am still learning that Gods plan for me may not be that I have a child of my own. I have to accept that. It is hard but I HAVE to trust in him! I struggle with letting that dream go. Its almost impossible for me to think of my life without that option there but i know that i can not truly be blessed with Gods plan until i completely let go of the reins and let go of MY plan. I thank you all for reading my story and reading my stuggles. This really is to just help me get things out but if i can touch someones life or help someone else out there that is going through the same situation then it just reminds me that Gods plan is even larger than i can even imagine!