Leaning not on my own understanding!

So if you read my last blog you know that we went for our latest HCG shot a couple weeks ago and if it did not work this time we would have to move on to the next treatment. The HSG! Well AF arrived today confirming what I really already knew. So now we are looking to the HSG which is expensive and out of our financial reach. So we went to get our taxes done tonight with hopes that we would get back what we needed for this appointment. Not only are we not getting anything back but we owe almost the exact amount that the procedure cost!!! I was already feeling down and fighting the saddness when we got there! After hearing this I felt a break down coming on! Because the tax place we went to is located in WalMart I did my best to fight off the tears and run for the door as soon as we could get finished up. Now I have no clue how we are going to pay what we owe in taxes much less our appointment.So for now our fertility appointments will be on hold (for quite awhile).

Its hard to decsribe my feelings right now. I dont understand why things happen the way they do. I dont understand why we are having problems having a baby. I dont understand why there is always an obstacle in our way for these appointments. I want to pull my hair out and throw myself on the floor crying! But I wont let myself. I feel actual tension in my body fighting the urge to just let it all out. In a way Im scared to actually let my feeling of despair out. That I may not ever be able to reel them all in if I actually let go. The best word I can think of at this moment to decsribe how I feel is defeated. Ive become really good at not showing how I feel. I run into alot of people who read this blog and tell me how strong I am and how I encourage them and at times I feel bad, that if you all really knew  what I fight within myself at times you wouldnt think Im so strong. And though I dont understand all these things I know that God does. I know that He has a plan and that this is all part of it. That even though we have run into this financial obsticle He has something for me to learn from this! I have faith in that. I know that God lets us go through certain things in our lives that we dont necessarily want to go through but that it is what we need. To understand His love, His power, His plan. When we become selfish and kick and scream and fight His plan because WE dont think it is whats best we will have hardships and consequences. But if we just have faith and follow His guidence He will not let us fail. I am not worthy of His goodness or His love yet He extends it to me if I only have faith and believe.

Though I may be sad and stressed about all of this until His plan prevails I will prayerfully fight those feelings. I will faithfully wait because I KNOW God will hear my cries and that He knows the hurt and desire in my heart. As His child He will answer my call.

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.