It seems like time is flying! Im so nervous about this appointment!! Part of me wants to run the other way! Which is crazy because I have been waiting on this appointment for almost 2 years! Im terrified of the results! All week I have played every scenario in my head! My worst fear is that they tell me that I can not have a child! How will I react... What will I do next? I try so hard to stay positive and SMILE even when I want to cry but this appointment is throwing me off! I have been asked twice this week what is wrong with me. I did not even realize that my true emotions are showing that much! I just cant help but feel down! I am constantly in prayer. I catch myself praying without even knowing. But I know that no matter how hard or long I pray, if it is Gods will for me to not physically have children I wont, I have to accept that and seek His guidance in His plan for us.
I stepped outside the other day to find a box at the door! It made this appointment a reality for me! I tore into the box already knowing what I would find. This huge box full of bubble paper and two small bottles of liquid. Medication that I have to bring to the doctor Thursday to boost ovulation if I am not producing healthy eggs and follicles. Looking at the two bottles made me think, these two little things could be the answer to our journey towards parenthood. But it could also never even be put to use if we receive the answers that we are hoping and praying not to receive.
Me and the hubby talk alot about the appointment. His answer is always the same, encouraging and loving. Assuring me that no matter what everything will be alright! We talk alot about adoption if we get news that biological children are not possible. We are both very open to adoption, to the point of wanting to adopt even if we can have children. But thinking of adoption with no biological children makes me sad. I know that it sounds selfish and dont get me wrong I will be ecstatic either way. But it makes me sad to think that adoption would be our only option. That means that I will never get to see if our little one would look just like me or just like the hubby! Or a perfect mix of us both. That makes me so sad to think about. I always think if we have a child I hope it has my husbands beautiful blue eyes and his straight dark hair. But the thought that always follows is will I ever get to see that?
I know that Jesus loves me and that He hurts to see me hurt. I also know that dealing with the consequences that only I have created is part of life. He gives us all free will to make our own decisions. I still struggle with "Is infertility a consequence placed in my life due to past sins" I wonder this often and do not know the answer. I do know that God uses trials in the lives of some to show His mercy and love. I just dont know yet which one of those my infertility falls under.
I still stand strong in the Lord having a special plan for me! I know that He will prevail and that its important that I turn my attention from earthly things and wants and have my full attention and focus on Him. Depending on Him fully. Having faith in His unconditional love for me, my husband, and our life.
Please pray for us this week and my next post will be updating yall on the big appointment!
The Lord is good; His mercy is everlasting …” (Psalm 100:5)
“For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His mercy toward those who fear Him … But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him.” (Psalm 103:11,17)
No comments:
Post a Comment