Whoever said what you dont know dont hurt you has never been through infertility! So if you follow this blog you know that we have been on a "break" for the summer. When AF arrived in June it was no surprise. And although we were on a "break" it did not mean that we stopped trying so then July came around and I started getting dizzy spells and nausea we started to get excited... really excited! I would get so nauseous I would run to the bathroom giggling at the idea that I just may be having morning sickness! But we still had our guard up not letting ourselves get our hopes too high BUT when AF did not arrive as usual we were in a little bit of shock! I had this feeling of "nah it cant be" then when day 2 passed then day 3 the excitement was bubbling over! Not only did we let our protective walls down but we smashed them down with pleasure and let ourselves be overcome with excitement! Telling ourselves that it has really happened. So on night 3 I took a pregnancy test that came back negative, but we pushed that aside... I mean Im pushing 4 days late and having every early pregnancy symptom there is. So that night we planned for me to get up and make an appointment first thing in the morning. The husband left out early for work before I was up and we were both happier then we have been in a very long time. But when I woke up this happy day we had planned turned to devastation in an instant! I had the worst pains Ive had in my life (as far as AF goes) I had cramps, back cramps, vomiting, (TMI Alert) and heavy bleeding!! I called the hubby who was half way to Texas and I could barely get the words out! I was torn apart that day! I had just thought that I had cried tears over infertility these past two years!! Nothing compared the hurt I felt that day! I called the doctor and explained all the details and this was her answer Option 1- I am having a whacked out abnormal period. But that it is just that- a late abnormal period. Or Option 2- I had what is called a chemical pregnancy (which is where you become pregnant but the blastocyst aka baby does not attach correctly to the uterine wall) 50% of women experience these types of miscarriages and never know it because it occurs so early that it appears to be a period. She then told me there would be no reason to come in unless I started to run fever and continued to throw up. But that there is no way for them to tell if I was in fact pregnant or not. This leaves me at a total loss....
I am feeling much better and all the symptoms of day one of AF have left the building. It drives me crazy that I will never know. The hurt me and the hubby felt over this shook our world. This is the absolute closest we have ever felt to becoming pregnant. And it is the worst hurt I have felt through this entire two years.
I had a full day of crying, screaming, and throwing a fit! It shook me to the core! Satan hit me where it hurt and did his best to shake my faith! But he did not succeed! At the end of the day I am my Fathers child and I still cling to, He has plans for me that I can not even imagine. I know that He will bless us and knows the desires of our hearts. When Satan sees our weak spots he goes straight for them doing his best to try and make us blame God. I know that God does not take pleasure is seeing us hurt and that if we seek Him and put Him first in our lives he will pull us through the struggles we face in this life. Struggles that are all roots of our own sins. We are undeserving, and really do not deserve anything on this earth. But the Lord loves us. He loved us enough to hang on a cross and be tortured, taking on all of our sins! And I think about how bad I hurt that day. How bad I cried until i felt like my stomach had flipped upside down. How sore my eyes were and how much they burned from crying. And all that does not compare to even one ounce of the pain the Lord went through for me, for you, for all of us. Being beaten and spit on with nails drivin through His hands and feet. The agonizing pain while all those He was dying for stood there and yelled crucify Him. But He still loved us enough to stay on that cross and take our sins. He took the sins of the very ones that spit in His face and beat Him. And who are we? If someone says something ugly to us we are unforgiving....
So all in all we had a bad fertility month.. really bad! But in the end no bad month we have can compare to that day that the Lord gave His life for us. So I will rejoice and find good in this month and give God the glory! I thank Him for those 3 full days of pure joy that we had thinking we were pregnant. From the start I have wondered how we would feel and how we would act when we actually do get pregnant and we got to feel that for 3 full days! So thank you Jesus for those happy moments!
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Its been awhile...
So I have not posted in a long time because I can not access blogger from my computer for some reason...
Anyway not much has changed since my last post... We are still on a break and plan to pick up our treatments in August. That will give us the summer to relax and save the money for our next appointment.
On mothers day last month I planned to post but was not able to due to the fact that I cant get on, on my computer!!! But mothers day went well... there were no melt downs of jealousy. I did have a moment in church, when they were preaching on the duties of a Godly mother, that I teared up a little. But I really took the day to appreciate what a wonderful mother I have. Without her I would not have the wisdom of our Lord and Savior instilled in me and I love her for that. Not only did she give me the gift of life at birth but she gave me the gift of eternal life with my Father by teaching me His word. (of course ultimately the gift of eternal life come directly from our Father but my mother always made sure we were in church and learned the word. Then it was up to us to accept it and seek His guidance.) It is the most important job of any mother to instill Gods love and salvation in that childs life.
My grandmother was handing out gifts on mothers day and placed a plant in front of me along with a card. I looked at her and said "I don't deserve this" and all she said was "read the card". It read "No worries, No hurries, Happy Mothers Day (soon). Soon being written in her hand writing. It was so touching and sweet. It only reminds me that along with faith in my Savior and a supportive family we will achieve parenthood. And not a day later or sooner than the good Lord plans.
Even though we are on a break, infertility is never far from my mind. It is still something I struggle with DAILY! I pray for strength but that does not mean the sorrow of infertility does not win at times. Although we are "not trying" I still can not pass up the urge to take a pregnancy test. I think letting people know that we are not trying right now has added to the stress a little. Now everyones response as soon as they find out we are on a break or not trying for the summer is "oh well that's when it happens" or "your gonna get pregnant now that your not trying" and I cant lie my heart jumps a little when I hear someone say that. Like that fact that someone says it, that it is set in stone and they have to be right!! I get so hopeful and BAM big negative test result. Instant disappointment. But we will stay strong and hopeful and cast all of our cares upon the Lord. One day we will get that positive or approved adoption we are yearning for. ONE DAY!
So there may be a continued lack of blogging the remainder of the summer. I will update if there are any changes. Please continue to have us in your prayers. The Lord hears every one of them and knows the desires of our hearts. Prayers are the best gifts we can receive!
Anyway not much has changed since my last post... We are still on a break and plan to pick up our treatments in August. That will give us the summer to relax and save the money for our next appointment.
On mothers day last month I planned to post but was not able to due to the fact that I cant get on, on my computer!!! But mothers day went well... there were no melt downs of jealousy. I did have a moment in church, when they were preaching on the duties of a Godly mother, that I teared up a little. But I really took the day to appreciate what a wonderful mother I have. Without her I would not have the wisdom of our Lord and Savior instilled in me and I love her for that. Not only did she give me the gift of life at birth but she gave me the gift of eternal life with my Father by teaching me His word. (of course ultimately the gift of eternal life come directly from our Father but my mother always made sure we were in church and learned the word. Then it was up to us to accept it and seek His guidance.) It is the most important job of any mother to instill Gods love and salvation in that childs life.
My grandmother was handing out gifts on mothers day and placed a plant in front of me along with a card. I looked at her and said "I don't deserve this" and all she said was "read the card". It read "No worries, No hurries, Happy Mothers Day (soon). Soon being written in her hand writing. It was so touching and sweet. It only reminds me that along with faith in my Savior and a supportive family we will achieve parenthood. And not a day later or sooner than the good Lord plans.
Even though we are on a break, infertility is never far from my mind. It is still something I struggle with DAILY! I pray for strength but that does not mean the sorrow of infertility does not win at times. Although we are "not trying" I still can not pass up the urge to take a pregnancy test. I think letting people know that we are not trying right now has added to the stress a little. Now everyones response as soon as they find out we are on a break or not trying for the summer is "oh well that's when it happens" or "your gonna get pregnant now that your not trying" and I cant lie my heart jumps a little when I hear someone say that. Like that fact that someone says it, that it is set in stone and they have to be right!! I get so hopeful and BAM big negative test result. Instant disappointment. But we will stay strong and hopeful and cast all of our cares upon the Lord. One day we will get that positive or approved adoption we are yearning for. ONE DAY!
So there may be a continued lack of blogging the remainder of the summer. I will update if there are any changes. Please continue to have us in your prayers. The Lord hears every one of them and knows the desires of our hearts. Prayers are the best gifts we can receive!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Its been awhile...
So I don't even know what my last post was but I can give you guys an update... Not much has changed. Our next appointment will be the HSG but we don't know exactly when we will be going to that. We are kind of taking a break right now...
Between co-hosting two baby showers and planning my nephews birthday party my mind has been pretty preoccupied. But the hopes of baby Brashier always creep in. Tonight is one of those nights. I can go from weeks of rushing around and being busy not really focusing on the fact that I am not a mother and then there are nights like tonight.. where I finally slow down and it hits me! I cant help but be sad. But I am determined to keep the faith! I know God will bless us with our own bundle of joy and until then I will do my best to not let the sadness take over.
So what we have decided is to put the HSG off (maybe even til fall) and take some time to enjoy the summer! Do some fun things together! Now I know that I will not be able to completely get baby fever off my mind but I will focus more on making fun and happy memories with my husband this summer. I don't want us to look back and only be able to have memories of me moping around missing out on all the blessings God has provided for us!! So with that said there will probably be even more of a lack of blogging then it has been.
Please continue to have us in your prayers. I know that God hears each and everyone and knows the desires of our hearts! Thank you so much for following our journey and keeping us in your prayers!
Between co-hosting two baby showers and planning my nephews birthday party my mind has been pretty preoccupied. But the hopes of baby Brashier always creep in. Tonight is one of those nights. I can go from weeks of rushing around and being busy not really focusing on the fact that I am not a mother and then there are nights like tonight.. where I finally slow down and it hits me! I cant help but be sad. But I am determined to keep the faith! I know God will bless us with our own bundle of joy and until then I will do my best to not let the sadness take over.
So what we have decided is to put the HSG off (maybe even til fall) and take some time to enjoy the summer! Do some fun things together! Now I know that I will not be able to completely get baby fever off my mind but I will focus more on making fun and happy memories with my husband this summer. I don't want us to look back and only be able to have memories of me moping around missing out on all the blessings God has provided for us!! So with that said there will probably be even more of a lack of blogging then it has been.
Please continue to have us in your prayers. I know that God hears each and everyone and knows the desires of our hearts! Thank you so much for following our journey and keeping us in your prayers!
Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Been awhile!
So I haven't blogged in awhile... Not much has changed since my last blog. We are still on hold for our next appointment. I put in my mind that we were just going to keep trying even though we cant go to this appointment and for some reason convinced myself that we were in fact going to get pregnant on our own. It is my birthday Wednesday and I had it all planned out that I was going to find out on my birthday that I was pregnant and it was going to be the best birthday present ever. (AF was not expected until Thursday) Well this morning I found out that I'm not getting that birthday gift.
I feel numb. I feel like I want to cry (or need to) but the tears wont come. Now we are officially on month 22 of trying... only two months away from two years. I'm losing hope, the hope that I'm so desperately trying to hang on to... but I feel it pulling from my grasp! I realize that I am still asking the same question 22 months later... What is wrong? and cant seem to get the answer!
I pray every night for God to fill my womb. I know that it is not going to come a day later or a day sooner than He plans but I cant seem to stop asking "When Lord"? I know deep down that the Lord has tremendous blessings He is going to bestow upon us but the hurt that comes along with the wait I cant seem to keep at bay. I feel bad to hurt and be sad knowing that God has a plan for me. That by being hurt or sad in some way makes me seem as if I doubt His plan. I know that God does not want to see me hurt or sad and that, that is not His plan. This is just a lesson I'm learning in placing my complete trust in Him. I think my birthday is adding alot to the sadness.. it is just a reminder that I am another year older. Another year gone by without a child and that my clock is ticking. I know that at age thirty our chances drop and then again they drop at age thirty five. But I will continue to stand strong with all of my faith and hope placed at the Lords feet...
Matthew 14:31 NIV Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
Hebrews 11:1 NIV Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV We live by faith, not by sight.
I feel numb. I feel like I want to cry (or need to) but the tears wont come. Now we are officially on month 22 of trying... only two months away from two years. I'm losing hope, the hope that I'm so desperately trying to hang on to... but I feel it pulling from my grasp! I realize that I am still asking the same question 22 months later... What is wrong? and cant seem to get the answer!
I pray every night for God to fill my womb. I know that it is not going to come a day later or a day sooner than He plans but I cant seem to stop asking "When Lord"? I know deep down that the Lord has tremendous blessings He is going to bestow upon us but the hurt that comes along with the wait I cant seem to keep at bay. I feel bad to hurt and be sad knowing that God has a plan for me. That by being hurt or sad in some way makes me seem as if I doubt His plan. I know that God does not want to see me hurt or sad and that, that is not His plan. This is just a lesson I'm learning in placing my complete trust in Him. I think my birthday is adding alot to the sadness.. it is just a reminder that I am another year older. Another year gone by without a child and that my clock is ticking. I know that at age thirty our chances drop and then again they drop at age thirty five. But I will continue to stand strong with all of my faith and hope placed at the Lords feet...
Matthew 14:31 NIV Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
Hebrews 11:1 NIV Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV We live by faith, not by sight.
Friday, March 23, 2012
And God will always provide a way!
Just when I am feeling defeated, hopeless, and lost God does His mighty work! I had a dear friend contact me through facebook after reading my last blog that felt on her heart to donate a large sum to us towards our appointment. My first reaction is I can never take this! I found out quickly that was not an option in her plan or Gods. I am completely humbled and awestruck at her act of kindness and generosity! How silly of me to doubt Gods goodness and love. To put limits on His plan and the way He uses vessels on this earth to do His mighty works! As tears fall from my face there are no words to describe how THANKFUL I am!
I know we have a little ways to go to get where we need to be to make this appointment but I will surly not doubt Gods plan. He is always there to pick me up an show me the way when I feel all is lost!
To the person who donated this to us! I love you and am forever in debt to your kind heart! May God bless you 10xs over! His light has truly shined brightly through you! I am privilege to witness Gods work first hand through your lovely soul!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!
Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
I know we have a little ways to go to get where we need to be to make this appointment but I will surly not doubt Gods plan. He is always there to pick me up an show me the way when I feel all is lost!
To the person who donated this to us! I love you and am forever in debt to your kind heart! May God bless you 10xs over! His light has truly shined brightly through you! I am privilege to witness Gods work first hand through your lovely soul!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!
Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
Philippians 2:1-30
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, ...Thursday, March 22, 2012
Leaning not on my own understanding!
So if you read my last blog you know that we went for our latest HCG shot a couple weeks ago and if it did not work this time we would have to move on to the next treatment. The HSG! Well AF arrived today confirming what I really already knew. So now we are looking to the HSG which is expensive and out of our financial reach. So we went to get our taxes done tonight with hopes that we would get back what we needed for this appointment. Not only are we not getting anything back but we owe almost the exact amount that the procedure cost!!! I was already feeling down and fighting the saddness when we got there! After hearing this I felt a break down coming on! Because the tax place we went to is located in WalMart I did my best to fight off the tears and run for the door as soon as we could get finished up. Now I have no clue how we are going to pay what we owe in taxes much less our appointment.So for now our fertility appointments will be on hold (for quite awhile).
Its hard to decsribe my feelings right now. I dont understand why things happen the way they do. I dont understand why we are having problems having a baby. I dont understand why there is always an obstacle in our way for these appointments. I want to pull my hair out and throw myself on the floor crying! But I wont let myself. I feel actual tension in my body fighting the urge to just let it all out. In a way Im scared to actually let my feeling of despair out. That I may not ever be able to reel them all in if I actually let go. The best word I can think of at this moment to decsribe how I feel is defeated. Ive become really good at not showing how I feel. I run into alot of people who read this blog and tell me how strong I am and how I encourage them and at times I feel bad, that if you all really knew what I fight within myself at times you wouldnt think Im so strong. And though I dont understand all these things I know that God does. I know that He has a plan and that this is all part of it. That even though we have run into this financial obsticle He has something for me to learn from this! I have faith in that. I know that God lets us go through certain things in our lives that we dont necessarily want to go through but that it is what we need. To understand His love, His power, His plan. When we become selfish and kick and scream and fight His plan because WE dont think it is whats best we will have hardships and consequences. But if we just have faith and follow His guidence He will not let us fail. I am not worthy of His goodness or His love yet He extends it to me if I only have faith and believe.
Though I may be sad and stressed about all of this until His plan prevails I will prayerfully fight those feelings. I will faithfully wait because I KNOW God will hear my cries and that He knows the hurt and desire in my heart. As His child He will answer my call.
Its hard to decsribe my feelings right now. I dont understand why things happen the way they do. I dont understand why we are having problems having a baby. I dont understand why there is always an obstacle in our way for these appointments. I want to pull my hair out and throw myself on the floor crying! But I wont let myself. I feel actual tension in my body fighting the urge to just let it all out. In a way Im scared to actually let my feeling of despair out. That I may not ever be able to reel them all in if I actually let go. The best word I can think of at this moment to decsribe how I feel is defeated. Ive become really good at not showing how I feel. I run into alot of people who read this blog and tell me how strong I am and how I encourage them and at times I feel bad, that if you all really knew what I fight within myself at times you wouldnt think Im so strong. And though I dont understand all these things I know that God does. I know that He has a plan and that this is all part of it. That even though we have run into this financial obsticle He has something for me to learn from this! I have faith in that. I know that God lets us go through certain things in our lives that we dont necessarily want to go through but that it is what we need. To understand His love, His power, His plan. When we become selfish and kick and scream and fight His plan because WE dont think it is whats best we will have hardships and consequences. But if we just have faith and follow His guidence He will not let us fail. I am not worthy of His goodness or His love yet He extends it to me if I only have faith and believe.
Though I may be sad and stressed about all of this until His plan prevails I will prayerfully fight those feelings. I will faithfully wait because I KNOW God will hear my cries and that He knows the hurt and desire in my heart. As His child He will answer my call.
Jeremiah 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Another Day Another Follicle
So we went for our second fertility appointment today. We did the ultrasound again. This time I had no healthy follicles on my right ovary and a so so size follicle on my left.(which the doctor said is normal, that you usually alternate ovary each cycle) They told us that a follicle needs to measure 1.8 cm to be healthy enough to achieve pregnancy, My follicle was measuring at 1.7cm. So they scheduled for me to come in on Friday to have the HCG shot to boost follicle growth and ovulation. They sent me home with this little ultrasound picture and I have to say I walked out of that office so proud holding my little picture! LOL I told my mom "If we do get pregnant I can tell my child that I prayed for them when he/she was just a little follicle"! LOL
Anyway the doctor told us that if we do not get pregnant this time that our next step will be an HSG and that depending on how that goes she would continue with the follicle scans and put me on a low dose of clomid. At this point I have stopped trying to look ahead and plan. I am just gonna go with the flow and take it one appointment at a time.
At this point we are very hopeful! Almost too hopeful! Which scares me!! So far I have been able to deal (in some sort) with how I react to negative results, but now that the husband is so emotionally invested and I have seen the hurt it causes him it worries my heart! The last thing I want to see is his heart ache like mine has for the past 19 months. Now dont get me wrong Im not saying the hubby didnt care before, I just think before he saw it as things I was coming up with from my massive google searches and now he is actually SEEING and HEARING straight from a doctor and things are getting real for him.
Through all the ups and downs of this roller coaster ride we call infertility one thing has stayed constant and true! And thats Gods love and blessings He has placed upon us! I feel His love through all aspects of our journey! I know that we have had some down days but I can not imagine how those days would be without my savior there to comfort us! When you have a relationship with the Lord, His works in your life become more apparent. Because you are paying attention to Him. Now when I see the smallest prayers answered it is nothing short of a miracle. Jesus does not owe us anything but he gives us His love for FREE! I witnessed one of my small prayers being answered today and it humbled me so much! The thought that God loves me so much that He hears my prayers! We all tend to pray for things (most of the time selfishly) But when those prayers do get answered how often do we stop and say a prayer of thanks to Him? Sometimes we pray for things and often forget about them. Then down the road when that prayer is answered we may give a whoo hoo or something but not stop and give God the glory. I am guilty of this! I TRY to make sure and thank God for His love daily and to consciously take the time to go to Him in thanks when a prayer of mine is answered! Im so thankful for my Savior, for my family, and for all of you guys who care about us and encourage us along our journey.
"Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."
Colossians 3:17
"Always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father;"
Ephesians 5:20
"For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God."
2 Corinthians 4:15
Anyway the doctor told us that if we do not get pregnant this time that our next step will be an HSG and that depending on how that goes she would continue with the follicle scans and put me on a low dose of clomid. At this point I have stopped trying to look ahead and plan. I am just gonna go with the flow and take it one appointment at a time.
At this point we are very hopeful! Almost too hopeful! Which scares me!! So far I have been able to deal (in some sort) with how I react to negative results, but now that the husband is so emotionally invested and I have seen the hurt it causes him it worries my heart! The last thing I want to see is his heart ache like mine has for the past 19 months. Now dont get me wrong Im not saying the hubby didnt care before, I just think before he saw it as things I was coming up with from my massive google searches and now he is actually SEEING and HEARING straight from a doctor and things are getting real for him.
Through all the ups and downs of this roller coaster ride we call infertility one thing has stayed constant and true! And thats Gods love and blessings He has placed upon us! I feel His love through all aspects of our journey! I know that we have had some down days but I can not imagine how those days would be without my savior there to comfort us! When you have a relationship with the Lord, His works in your life become more apparent. Because you are paying attention to Him. Now when I see the smallest prayers answered it is nothing short of a miracle. Jesus does not owe us anything but he gives us His love for FREE! I witnessed one of my small prayers being answered today and it humbled me so much! The thought that God loves me so much that He hears my prayers! We all tend to pray for things (most of the time selfishly) But when those prayers do get answered how often do we stop and say a prayer of thanks to Him? Sometimes we pray for things and often forget about them. Then down the road when that prayer is answered we may give a whoo hoo or something but not stop and give God the glory. I am guilty of this! I TRY to make sure and thank God for His love daily and to consciously take the time to go to Him in thanks when a prayer of mine is answered! Im so thankful for my Savior, for my family, and for all of you guys who care about us and encourage us along our journey.
"Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father."
Colossians 3:17
"Always giving thanks for all things in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ to God, even the Father;"
Ephesians 5:20
"For all things are for your sakes, so that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the glory of God."
2 Corinthians 4:15
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