So alot has happened since my last post! The most important being that I rededicated my life to my Lord and Savior and will be getting baptized again!!! I can not describe the joy and peace I feel! My life has changed so much and I'm so thankful for my growing relationship with my Savior! I know some of you may think Baptized again? So let me explain... The first time I was baptized I was 4 yrs old ( and this is not to say that a child can not really have a life changing acceptance of salvation at that age.) Being so young I was more intrigued with getting in that big bath tub rather than what it is really all about. Growing up in church I had this sense of how I was suppose to act and what I was suppose to say but until now did not realize that I did not really have that change within. Now that I have truly accepted salvation I can not explain the change. I see things different, hear things different, just all around feel different! It is miraculous and wonderful! The Lord is working in my life all around me! But satan is also attacking me the most! Trying to break me down, wanting me to doubt my self and my Lord! The path of the lost is wide, inviting, fun, and easily traveled. The life of a child of God is narrow, at times hard, and sometimes your just not considered the "cool" kid on the block! Lol! But the reward of eternal life with our Father out weighs any "fun" you could ever have on this earth. And to be honest with you all this business of saying being a christian means you cant have any fun any more... I don't get it because I'm having a blast! I love my church family and have the most fun with them fellow shipping and worshiping. I rock out with the best of them to christian music and laugh and talk and have fun with all of my friends. So don't think you have to give up all the fun by being a christian.. you just have a different kind of fun. :)
Our church class is growing and we are planning lots of fun things! Get with me if you would like to come! You will truly be blessed! We are having a meet and greet bon fire Oct 6th at 6pm. The goal is to let us all meet in a laid back setting. I know first hand it can be intimidating walking in a class where you do not know anyone, so this will give us all a chance to get to know each other before hand. We will have a hayride for the kids so bring them too!! :) Let me know if you would like to come we would love to have you! :)
John 6:37
“All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never cast out.” (ESV) John 1:12
“But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name.” (NASB) Romans 15:7 “Therefore, accept one another, just as Christ also accepted us to the glory of God.” (NASB) Genesis 4:7
“If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.” (NIV)
We may also be having a new christian artist coming to put on a concert for us soon ;) here is a sneak peek
God has done amazing work in our lives in the past few weeks! We are still at a stand still on making it to our appointment for our HSG. We had thrown around ideas of doing a fund raiser and things like that but after much prayer and a few long talks decided that was not the route we were going to pursue. So our goal of making an appointment was pushed back.
A few days ago I called my nurse with some question I wanted her to refresh me on and we came back to the subject of the HSG. I know that this is something we need to have done and the number one reason we have not made the appointment is the cost and the number two reason (that Im not proud of) is pure fear. So she went over the cost with me again. I asked her if we could make payments and to my disappointment we can not! We have to pay the doctors fee upfront and half the hospital cost at the time of the appointment and pay the other half within the next six months of the appointment. After I hung up I fought off the urge to cry almost successfully. I then went to the Lord in prayer knowing that ONLY HE can lead me. Literally within hours I started receiving orders through my page on facebook. I was a little shocked at how fast God answered my call. I had not received any orders since July and all of a sudden the orders were rolling in!!! By the second day I made enough money to cover our doctor fee in full! If the orders continue to come in it looks like we may be able to make this appointment next month!!! I can not explain how amazing God is when you open your heart and have complete faith in Him. I truly feel that this is confirmation from the Lord that the HSG is what we need to have done. Although I am fearful of the procedure I know that God will be right there with me.
That's not all though! I have also been praying for our small Sunday school class to grow and for the Lord to lead other young adults to Him through us. And once again the Lord answered my call. Last Sunday we did not even have enough chairs hardly for our class. It is amazing! Im just so excited to feel Gods presence in my life. Its indescribable. I cant wait to see all the wonderful works the Lord has in store for our class!
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
4:16Be conscientiousabout how you live andwhat you teach.21Perseverein this, becauseby doingso you will savebothyourselfandthose who listento you. !1Timothy 4:16
Whoever said what you dont know dont hurt you has never been through infertility! So if you follow this blog you know that we have been on a "break" for the summer. When AF arrived in June it was no surprise. And although we were on a "break" it did not mean that we stopped trying so then July came around and I started getting dizzy spells and nausea we started to get excited... really excited! I would get so nauseous I would run to the bathroom giggling at the idea that I just may be having morning sickness! But we still had our guard up not letting ourselves get our hopes too high BUT when AF did not arrive as usual we were in a little bit of shock! I had this feeling of "nah it cant be" then when day 2 passed then day 3 the excitement was bubbling over! Not only did we let our protective walls down but we smashed them down with pleasure and let ourselves be overcome with excitement! Telling ourselves that it has really happened. So on night 3 I took a pregnancy test that came back negative, but we pushed that aside... I mean Im pushing 4 days late and having every early pregnancy symptom there is. So that night we planned for me to get up and make an appointment first thing in the morning. The husband left out early for work before I was up and we were both happier then we have been in a very long time. But when I woke up this happy day we had planned turned to devastation in an instant! I had the worst pains Ive had in my life (as far as AF goes) I had cramps, back cramps, vomiting, (TMI Alert) and heavy bleeding!! I called the hubby who was half way to Texas and I could barely get the words out! I was torn apart that day! I had just thought that I had cried tears over infertility these past two years!! Nothing compared the hurt I felt that day! I called the doctor and explained all the details and this was her answer Option 1- I am having a whacked out abnormal period. But that it is just that- a late abnormal period. Or Option 2- I had what is called a chemical pregnancy (which is where you become pregnant but the blastocyst aka baby does not attach correctly to the uterine wall) 50% of women experience these types of miscarriages and never know it because it occurs so early that it appears to be a period. She then told me there would be no reason to come in unless I started to run fever and continued to throw up. But that there is no way for them to tell if I was in fact pregnant or not. This leaves me at a total loss....
I am feeling much better and all the symptoms of day one of AF have left the building. It drives me crazy that I will never know. The hurt me and the hubby felt over this shook our world. This is the absolute closest we have ever felt to becoming pregnant. And it is the worst hurt I have felt through this entire two years.
I had a full day of crying, screaming, and throwing a fit! It shook me to the core! Satan hit me where it hurt and did his best to shake my faith! But he did not succeed! At the end of the day I am my Fathers child and I still cling to, He has plans for me that I can not even imagine. I know that He will bless us and knows the desires of our hearts. When Satan sees our weak spots he goes straight for them doing his best to try and make us blame God. I know that God does not take pleasure is seeing us hurt and that if we seek Him and put Him first in our lives he will pull us through the struggles we face in this life. Struggles that are all roots of our own sins. We are undeserving, and really do not deserve anything on this earth. But the Lord loves us. He loved us enough to hang on a cross and be tortured, taking on all of our sins! And I think about how bad I hurt that day. How bad I cried until i felt like my stomach had flipped upside down. How sore my eyes were and how much they burned from crying. And all that does not compare to even one ounce of the pain the Lord went through for me, for you, for all of us. Being beaten and spit on with nails drivin through His hands and feet. The agonizing pain while all those He was dying for stood there and yelled crucify Him. But He still loved us enough to stay on that cross and take our sins. He took the sins of the very ones that spit in His face and beat Him. And who are we? If someone says something ugly to us we are unforgiving....
So all in all we had a bad fertility month.. really bad! But in the end no bad month we have can compare to that day that the Lord gave His life for us. So I will rejoice and find good in this month and give God the glory! I thank Him for those 3 full days of pure joy that we had thinking we were pregnant. From the start I have wondered how we would feel and how we would act when we actually do get pregnant and we got to feel that for 3 full days! So thank you Jesus for those happy moments!
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11
So I have not posted in a long time because I can not access blogger from my computer for some reason...
Anyway not much has changed since my last post... We are still on a break and plan to pick up our treatments in August. That will give us the summer to relax and save the money for our next appointment.
On mothers day last month I planned to post but was not able to due to the fact that I cant get on, on my computer!!! But mothers day went well... there were no melt downs of jealousy. I did have a moment in church, when they were preaching on the duties of a Godly mother, that I teared up a little. But I really took the day to appreciate what a wonderful mother I have. Without her I would not have the wisdom of our Lord and Savior instilled in me and I love her for that. Not only did she give me the gift of life at birth but she gave me the gift of eternal life with my Father by teaching me His word. (of course ultimately the gift of eternal life come directly from our Father but my mother always made sure we were in church and learned the word. Then it was up to us to accept it and seek His guidance.) It is the most important job of any mother to instill Gods love and salvation in that childs life.
My grandmother was handing out gifts on mothers day and placed a plant in front of me along with a card. I looked at her and said "I don't deserve this" and all she said was "read the card". It read "No worries, No hurries, Happy Mothers Day (soon). Soon being written in her hand writing. It was so touching and sweet. It only reminds me that along with faith in my Savior and a supportive family we will achieve parenthood. And not a day later or sooner than the good Lord plans.
Even though we are on a break, infertility is never far from my mind. It is still something I struggle with DAILY! I pray for strength but that does not mean the sorrow of infertility does not win at times. Although we are "not trying" I still can not pass up the urge to take a pregnancy test. I think letting people know that we are not trying right now has added to the stress a little. Now everyones response as soon as they find out we are on a break or not trying for the summer is "oh well that's when it happens" or "your gonna get pregnant now that your not trying" and I cant lie my heart jumps a little when I hear someone say that. Like that fact that someone says it, that it is set in stone and they have to be right!! I get so hopeful and BAM big negative test result. Instant disappointment. But we will stay strong and hopeful and cast all of our cares upon the Lord. One day we will get that positive or approved adoption we are yearning for. ONE DAY!
So there may be a continued lack of blogging the remainder of the summer. I will update if there are any changes. Please continue to have us in your prayers. The Lord hears every one of them and knows the desires of our hearts. Prayers are the best gifts we can receive!
So I don't even know what my last post was but I can give you guys an update... Not much has changed. Our next appointment will be the HSG but we don't know exactly when we will be going to that. We are kind of taking a break right now...
Between co-hosting two baby showers and planning my nephews birthday party my mind has been pretty preoccupied. But the hopes of baby Brashier always creep in. Tonight is one of those nights. I can go from weeks of rushing around and being busy not really focusing on the fact that I am not a mother and then there are nights like tonight.. where I finally slow down and it hits me! I cant help but be sad. But I am determined to keep the faith! I know God will bless us with our own bundle of joy and until then I will do my best to not let the sadness take over.
So what we have decided is to put the HSG off (maybe even til fall) and take some time to enjoy the summer! Do some fun things together! Now I know that I will not be able to completely get baby fever off my mind but I will focus more on making fun and happy memories with my husband this summer. I don't want us to look back and only be able to have memories of me moping around missing out on all the blessings God has provided for us!! So with that said there will probably be even more of a lack of blogging then it has been.
Please continue to have us in your prayers. I know that God hears each and everyone and knows the desires of our hearts! Thank you so much for following our journey and keeping us in your prayers!
Jeremiah 29:11
New International Version (NIV)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
So I haven't blogged in awhile... Not much has changed since my last blog. We are still on hold for our next appointment. I put in my mind that we were just going to keep trying even though we cant go to this appointment and for some reason convinced myself that we were in fact going to get pregnant on our own. It is my birthday Wednesday and I had it all planned out that I was going to find out on my birthday that I was pregnant and it was going to be the best birthday present ever. (AF was not expected until Thursday) Well this morning I found out that I'm not getting that birthday gift.
I feel numb. I feel like I want to cry (or need to) but the tears wont come. Now we are officially on month 22 of trying... only two months away from two years. I'm losing hope, the hope that I'm so desperately trying to hang on to... but I feel it pulling from my grasp! I realize that I am still asking the same question 22 months later... What is wrong? and cant seem to get the answer!
I pray every night for God to fill my womb. I know that it is not going to come a day later or a day sooner than He plans but I cant seem to stop asking "When Lord"? I know deep down that the Lord has tremendous blessings He is going to bestow upon us but the hurt that comes along with the wait I cant seem to keep at bay. I feel bad to hurt and be sad knowing that God has a plan for me. That by being hurt or sad in some way makes me seem as if I doubt His plan. I know that God does not want to see me hurt or sad and that, that is not His plan. This is just a lesson I'm learning in placing my complete trust in Him. I think my birthday is adding alot to the sadness.. it is just a reminder that I am another year older. Another year gone by without a child and that my clock is ticking. I know that at age thirty our chances drop and then again they drop at age thirty five. But I will continue to stand strong with all of my faith and hope placed at the Lords feet...
Matthew 14:31 NIV Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
Hebrews 11:1 NIV Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV We live by faith, not by sight.
Just when I am feeling defeated, hopeless, and lost God does His mighty work! I had a dear friend contact me through facebook after reading my last blog that felt on her heart to donate a large sum to us towards our appointment. My first reaction is I can never take this! I found out quickly that was not an option in her plan or Gods. I am completely humbled and awestruck at her act of kindness and generosity! How silly of me to doubt Gods goodness and love. To put limits on His plan and the way He uses vessels on this earth to do His mighty works! As tears fall from my face there are no words to describe how THANKFUL I am!
I know we have a little ways to go to get where we need to be to make this appointment but I will surly not doubt Gods plan. He is always there to pick me up an show me the way when I feel all is lost!
To the person who donated this to us! I love you and am forever in debt to your kind heart! May God bless you 10xs over! His light has truly shined brightly through you! I am privilege to witness Gods work first hand through your lovely soul!! Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!
Matthew 5:16
In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.
Philippians 2:1-30
So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, ...
